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| Wed, 04-11-2007 - 5:32pm |
ok I have to be careful with this post. I have had enough of fighting to stay alive this Bipolar crap is hard to handle on top of having a ED I cant do this anymore. went and saw my T today and I was so mean to her but I have turned off my emotions and I feel nothing right now. I have counted and I have enough. I know ppl will be hurt and I know I am being very selfish but I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE, I want to go into the hospital but hten again I dont. My T doesnt think I am real bad right now I have a way of fooling everyone but right now I just want some help, and I know I cant do it alone, I cant ask for help that just isnt me. I will miss my children and I know they will miss me but in time they will heal I know that for a fact they will have to be in T but they will be ok.
sorry all.

Mary.
I love you, first of all. I haven't been here in a very long time, but something told me to come...it was for you.
I am so not trying to upset you more...but I have to say this. Your kids WILL NOT be okay if you do this. They will be messed up for a very long time.
I've been RIGHT WHERE you are...Bipolar almost killed me too. Many times, I prayed for death...and you know that...you saw what I went through.
IT WILL GET BETTER, but you have to FORCE it. You have to. It won't happen any other way. For 5 years, I laid there, miserable, moods swinging out of control, EDs, SI'ing, overdosing on pills, taking drugs...whatever. I always thought I was "fighting". I wasn't.
You need new meds. You weren't on the right ones...but its only UP TO YOU! You have to ASK for the help. They won't help us, just because. But if you make the first step, things will start to fall into place. You won't get better overnight. But you are SO strong...you've proven that over and over.
Go to the hospital. Tell them you are BP and suicidal. Stay for more than one night. Insist on other meds...the side effects suck. But you have kids who love you and need you so much more than you realize right now.
I'll stick around awhile if you want to email me at the yahoo addy, or post back here, I'll read it.
The darkness will pass. I promise you with everything I am that it will.
Keli
Hi Mary,
I'm sorry to learn that you're hurting emotionally again.
Hey Mary,
Hey Keli,
(((Mary))) You have been given some excellent advice. ITA with Keli that your children will NOT heal from the loss of their mother. They will live with the guilt, pain & shame for the rest of their lives. I have seen that happen many times. I know you love them & would not want them to have to deal with this. In that repect, you must seek some real life help. Call your *T* as Lori suggested. I have been good @ keeping my emotions under wraps. A good *T* knows that people only tell what they want too about their thoughts & feelings. The *T* will understand that what you have said & what you were really thinking are very different.
Please let us know what your *T* says. If IP is necessary, so be it. There's no shame in seeking help. This is NOT a failure on your part. This is a chemical imbalance in the brain & perhaps the meds aren't working or you are under more stress than you can handle. Do not lose sight of the fact that though you have struggled, there have been some times in life where things went pretty well. You can get back to that place. You are a good & worthwhile person. You are needed by your children.
We care & want you to feel better. We're in your corner. You can & will succeed. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hey there Lori!
I'm well! I've been stable since about December, once I got off antidepressants. My life has improved in ways that I can't even begin to describe. I'm not sick anymore, and it feels WONDERFUL!
No mania...no depression. Just me.
I look back now and wonder how I got to that lowest of low points. All I do know is that I will never get there again. Life is good now. I totally don't take my wellness for granted and I work very hard to maintain it.
One key was letting go of the past...for good...and getting rid of the drama and stress in my life.
I think you know what I mean!!!
I hope you're doing well. I'll be around.
Love and Hugs!!
Keli
Hey Keli,