357 days and counting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
357 days and counting
6
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:20am
357 days. that's how long it's been since the night i tried to take my life. obviously i wasn't successful. i spent a night in the er and a few days in a behavioral health center where i said and did whatever it took to convince the doctors that i knew what i did was wrong and i would never again try to harm myself. and i haven't. but that doesn't mean i don't want to. every day that i wake up i wish i hadn't. and every night when i go to sleep - if i go to sleep - i do so with the hope that i won't wake up the next morning. i have become an accomplished actress. i have managed to convince my friends and family that i'm "normal". they have no idea as to the thoughts that have taken up residence in my brain. were it not for the stab of guilt i feel for my would-be motherless children i would have tried something else by now. i contemplate different ways that i could make it look like an accident because i wouldn't want to leave them with the stigma of a nutcase mother who went off the deep end. but i hurt so much. i wish there was some way to just stop feeling . . . to make the pain stop. i've even thought about maybe a half-way point like cutting. but that's not something that one plans in advance, is it? i've read of the emotional release that self injurers feel when they cut. it's so appealing. but i don't do it. i know it's wrong. i'm scared to seek help. i don't want to be locked up again. i just want these feelings to go away. i am tired of being a whack job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 9:53am

Hi and welcome to the board--I'm glad you found us! First, let me assure you that you are neither a "whack job" nor a "nutcase"--you are emotionally "wounded" and wounds/illnesses of the mind are no less significant and deserving of treatment than any other illness. More importantly, it is not your fault! No one WANTS to feel depressed, hopeless or desperate and I know you don't want that either. What you want is relief from the pain. I can tell you that is not only possible--but very likely--IF you get yourself some help and support!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 11:14am
Thanks, Lori, for your response. I was diagnosed with PPD a while after my 2nd DD was born in 2003. I've been on Paxil ever since. It was helping so much until my husband filed for divorce. The night he broke the news to me is the night that I attempted suicide. At the time I wouldn't even admit that's what it was. I just wanted to go to sleep and not have to deal with the hurt. That's what I told everyone. But in the back of my mind I was really hoping that I wouldn't wake up. I know that divorce is hard on anyone. And different people handle it differently. But I honestly think it affects me so strongly because I know that it's my fault. I take the blame for it because it's a direct result of my actions. Every day I have to wake up and face the fact that I am the cause of so much suffering on the part of my XDH, my children, and myself. And there is nothing I can do to change it or fix it or make it go away. Fortunately every day is not a bad day for me. But I've been under a lot of stress lately and not sleeping enough, and I think those things are contributing to the increase in "bad days". I do think I'm safe. I have two beautiful little girls keeping me here. It's just there in my mind . . . taunting me. Sometimes it's torturous. I've considered asking my doctor to change either my medication or my dose. But I don't want anyone to know how bad I feel. I don't want to lose my girls or screw up my schooling that I've been busting my butt for. I thank you so much for your support. I'm very glad to have this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:20pm

welcome.gif


Hi! It's nice to see you;) I am sorry to hear about your suffering. You are NOT alone. I had a difficult time coping with my divorce. My ex walked out & didn't return. I spent almost 2 years overanalyzing the situation. Basically ruminating until I made myself so sick. So down & depressed. Since noone was divorced in my immediate family, I felt like a failure. That everyone was judging me. I can only imagine what life has been like for you. But, I can say this with confidence, you were NOT solely responsible for the break-up of your relationship. It takes two to tango & two to make that relationship work. Be kind to yourself. You made contributions to the marriage. You had children. You cared for them & mothered them. You must have cleaned, cooked meals, did laundry, etc. Marriage isn't only romance. Life isn't made up of finances, big time careers, cars, houses, etc. It is the little things that add up to make a life.


WOW! I am impressed to hear about your dedication to school. Keep with it! It is fulfilling to have an education. That is something noone can ever take away from you. Good luck! Getting this depression under wraps is so important to your future.


Sometimes the reason for us to be here escapes us. We lose the ability to see our worth & value. If you don't keep a journal, try to start one. Write down your accomplishments. Write down the positive things that happen everyday. When you wake up in the morning, refer to those things & slowly begin to recognize the reasons why you are here & why you are happy to have a chance @ another day. Overcoming the thoughts of throwing in the towel is difficult. But, I have done it & believe me, I have no special talents. They say it takes 11 positive thoughts to overcome 1 negative. I recall dark days when I couldn't think of ANY positives, but there's hope. They will come.


Please take Lori's advice & seek help if the thoughts become overwhelming. We don't want to lose you. I am certain your children & the rest of your life circle feel the same. You've come a long way. Keep on keepin' on. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:40pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 5:18pm
Yes, there was something that happened that couldn't be worked through - something I did. I'm sure most people could guess what I'm referring to, so I won't spell it out. At the time I felt intensely justified in what I was doing, but now as I look back it was just wrong from any angle. XDH and I get along fine now. We are friendly and helpful to one another (though we aren't hanging out buddies or anything). He has physical custody of our DD, but we each have 50/50 time with her - or more like I have her 80% of the time because of his work schedule. No, there isn't any chance for reconcilliation. For a few months he told me "I just can't say what will happen in the future; maybe one day in the distant future." But after a while he finally told me that he didn't want to be with me. And as for what I really want . . . who knows? Some days I know that eventually we would be unhappy again because he doesn't feel he did anything wrong and therefore wouldn't change at all. But some days it seems like maybe it would be OK even if he didn't change and it would be worth it to have him back in my life on that level. I do love him deeply and miss him more than I can possibly express. It feels like a part of me is missing. A lot of people probably feel that way, I suppose. I'm in nursing school right now. I have finally gotten my prerequisites and started the nursing program. I have 3 semesters to go. I had hoped that once I got into the program I would be too busy to think about these painful parts of my life. I am tremendously busy, but that hasn't stopped me from thinking about anything! I'm thinking that maybe after I graduate I might just take a big deep breath and jump - move someplace different . . . close enough for the kids to see their other family but far enough to make a fresh start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 7:03pm

Hey there,


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