357 days and counting
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357 days and counting
| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:20am |
357 days. that's how long it's been since the night i tried to take my life. obviously i wasn't successful. i spent a night in the er and a few days in a behavioral health center where i said and did whatever it took to convince the doctors that i knew what i did was wrong and i would never again try to harm myself. and i haven't. but that doesn't mean i don't want to. every day that i wake up i wish i hadn't. and every night when i go to sleep - if i go to sleep - i do so with the hope that i won't wake up the next morning. i have become an accomplished actress. i have managed to convince my friends and family that i'm "normal". they have no idea as to the thoughts that have taken up residence in my brain. were it not for the stab of guilt i feel for my would-be motherless children i would have tried something else by now. i contemplate different ways that i could make it look like an accident because i wouldn't want to leave them with the stigma of a nutcase mother who went off the deep end. but i hurt so much. i wish there was some way to just stop feeling . . . to make the pain stop. i've even thought about maybe a half-way point like cutting. but that's not something that one plans in advance, is it? i've read of the emotional release that self injurers feel when they cut. it's so appealing. but i don't do it. i know it's wrong. i'm scared to seek help. i don't want to be locked up again. i just want these feelings to go away. i am tired of being a whack job.

Hi and welcome to the board--I'm glad you found us! First, let me assure you that you are neither a "whack job" nor a "nutcase"--you are emotionally "wounded" and wounds/illnesses of the mind are no less significant and deserving of treatment than any other illness. More importantly, it is not your fault! No one WANTS to feel depressed, hopeless or desperate and I know you don't want that either. What you want is relief from the pain. I can tell you that is not only possible--but very likely--IF you get yourself some help and support!
Hi! It's nice to see you;) I am sorry to hear about your suffering. You are NOT alone. I had a difficult time coping with my divorce. My ex walked out & didn't return. I spent almost 2 years overanalyzing the situation. Basically ruminating until I made myself so sick. So down & depressed. Since noone was divorced in my immediate family, I felt like a failure. That everyone was judging me. I can only imagine what life has been like for you. But, I can say this with confidence, you were NOT solely responsible for the break-up of your relationship. It takes two to tango & two to make that relationship work. Be kind to yourself. You made contributions to the marriage. You had children. You cared for them & mothered them. You must have cleaned, cooked meals, did laundry, etc. Marriage isn't only romance. Life isn't made up of finances, big time careers, cars, houses, etc. It is the little things that add up to make a life.
WOW! I am impressed to hear about your dedication to school. Keep with it! It is fulfilling to have an education. That is something noone can ever take away from you. Good luck! Getting this depression under wraps is so important to your future.
Sometimes the reason for us to be here escapes us. We lose the ability to see our worth & value. If you don't keep a journal, try to start one. Write down your accomplishments. Write down the positive things that happen everyday. When you wake up in the morning, refer to those things & slowly begin to recognize the reasons why you are here & why you are happy to have a chance @ another day. Overcoming the thoughts of throwing in the towel is difficult. But, I have done it & believe me, I have no special talents. They say it takes 11 positive thoughts to overcome 1 negative. I recall dark days when I couldn't think of ANY positives, but there's hope. They will come.
Please take Lori's advice & seek help if the thoughts become overwhelming. We don't want to lose you. I am certain your children & the rest of your life circle feel the same. You've come a long way. Keep on keepin' on. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hey there,
Hey there,