thanks Lori I am trying to fight this but it is getting harder and the only reason I am here right now is that it is my adopted neices Bday today and I wouldnt do anything to make her day anything from perfect. I am sick and tired of having to fight everyday of my life and I am tired of hurting the ones that i love. I know my kids will be ok bc my cousins kids are and they are the ones that found him they went through T and yes I know that they miss him but they are ok with it now and it has been about 10 years. sorry for the reply sorry that it isnt any better then wat it is but I did hold back on wat I said bc I dont want to trigger anyone, but it is only a matter of days. Thanks for trying to help a screw up that doesnt deserve to take up air space or space on here.
I am happy to see you, Mary & give you lots of credit for hangin' on. I know it is tough, but you have the skills @ hand to continue on & work through this bad spell.
You are a much better person than you are giving yourself credit for. You are not taking up anything but your fair share. Write down all your accomplishments. Don't forget that we all learned to walk & tie our shoes. Refer to your list when you feel that you aren't worthwhile. Many times when I couldn't think of any accomplishments, my best friend would remind me of my 2 dd's. They will be my legacy. My contribution to the world. Hold on tight! We care & want you to succeed. (((hugs))) jan
Mary, I have been thinking about you and your posts all day. I haven't posted much lately but I really wish I could say something to help you. But I know that you are the one that has to help you. When I was feeling really bad and at the edge of that cliff, I didn't want to help me either. But somehow I got through those times. I wish I could think back and put my finger on the one thing that helped me, and say it to you, but there wasn't just one thing. There were all different things. My kids, my pets, my horse (who would take care of her?) (strangely), feeling that I have stuff at my job that I need to do, wanting to listen to different songs again, realizing that if I had a lifethreatening illness that I would want to fight it, there were so many different things at different times. Thinking that my T cares about me. My dh is in there too somewhere but that is always a complex issue. I guess I just wanted to know that I care about you even though I don't really know you, because I feel that we and the other folks on this board all have something in common, and that is empathy for one another even when we can't have empathy for ourselves. Please try to reach inside yourself and give yourself a helping hand so that you can look back one day when you ARE happy and think, I am glad I helped myself because I AM WORTH IT. Lots of hugs, allie
Hi Lori I am doing pretty good these days. My T has been so great. I know that she cares about me (in a professional way) and that is so nice. She wants me to increase my meds but I don't want to but she says that's ok. I am afraid of having a seizure if I increase it. i feel like I am really learning things in my therapy that are putting pieces of my life and thoughts together. Like why I go nuts if I lose something - I really obsess over it. That is all part of my thoughts that I need to look at, and try to deal with better. Instead of thinking that everybody does this, maybe everybody doesn't and I could change a little bit, knowing that maybe it's part of my depression/mental state that makes me feel like that, and not necessarily "me". I am not willing to say I'm "great" but definitely better and my suicidal thoughts are more in the background which is good, and the fact that I can realize that IS good, is good. I really feel that going to the visitation for the woman who I knew who killed herself (who was a former teacher at my dd's preschool where my other kids went too) was kind of an eye opener. Just everybody's reactions and the finality of it all. It wasn't like I thought, yet somehow it was. I could identify with her but then somehow being there (and identifying with her) it was strange. I think that helped me. Then the fact that two weeks before that, a mom of a current student at the same preschool killed herself, put things in perspective too. I really started looking at it from other peoples perspective instead of mine. I thought, boy, I can't put the school through this again, it would be too much. Thanks Lori for your support too. this board has helped me too, just being able to talk about things that nobody else can talk about. Mary if you are reading this, please try to look at your situation from other people's perspective too. Somehow that helped me. Knowing that other people care about you. allie
Hey Mary,
I am happy to see you, Mary & give you lots of credit for hangin' on. I know it is tough, but you have the skills @ hand to continue on & work through this bad spell.
You are a much better person than you are giving yourself credit for. You are not taking up anything but your fair share. Write down all your accomplishments. Don't forget that we all learned to walk & tie our shoes. Refer to your list when you feel that you aren't worthwhile. Many times when I couldn't think of any accomplishments, my best friend would remind me of my 2 dd's. They will be my legacy. My contribution to the world. Hold on tight! We care & want you to succeed. (((hugs))) jan
Hugs and love to you Mary...
I wish I could help you. You ARE me back then...I know exactly what you are going through. Please just hold on. If you need me, email me.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
I have been thinking about you and your posts all day. I haven't posted much lately but I really wish I could say something to help you. But I know that you are the one that has to help you. When I was feeling really bad and at the edge of that cliff, I didn't want to help me either. But somehow I got through those times. I wish I could think back and put my finger on the one thing that helped me, and say it to you, but there wasn't just one thing. There were all different things. My kids, my pets, my horse (who would take care of her?) (strangely), feeling that I have stuff at my job that I need to do, wanting to listen to different songs again, realizing that if I had a lifethreatening illness that I would want to fight it, there were so many different things at different times. Thinking that my T cares about me. My dh is in there too somewhere but that is always a complex issue. I guess I just wanted to know that I care about you even though I don't really know you, because I feel that we and the other folks on this board all have something in common, and that is empathy for one another even when we can't have empathy for ourselves. Please try to reach inside yourself and give yourself a helping hand so that you can look back one day when you ARE happy and think, I am glad I helped myself because I AM WORTH IT. Lots of hugs,
allie
Hey Allie,
I am doing pretty good these days. My T has been so great. I know that she cares about me (in a professional way) and that is so nice. She wants me to increase my meds but I don't want to but she says that's ok. I am afraid of having a seizure if I increase it. i feel like I am really learning things in my therapy that are putting pieces of my life and thoughts together. Like why I go nuts if I lose something - I really obsess over it. That is all part of my thoughts that I need to look at, and try to deal with better. Instead of thinking that everybody does this, maybe everybody doesn't and I could change a little bit, knowing that maybe it's part of my depression/mental state that makes me feel like that, and not necessarily "me". I am not willing to say I'm "great" but definitely better and my suicidal thoughts are more in the background which is good, and the fact that I can realize that IS good, is good. I really feel that going to the visitation for the woman who I knew who killed herself (who was a former teacher at my dd's preschool where my other kids went too) was kind of an eye opener. Just everybody's reactions and the finality of it all. It wasn't like I thought, yet somehow it was. I could identify with her but then somehow being there (and identifying with her) it was strange. I think that helped me. Then the fact that two weeks before that, a mom of a current student at the same preschool killed herself, put things in perspective too. I really started looking at it from other peoples perspective instead of mine. I thought, boy, I can't put the school through this again, it would be too much. Thanks Lori for your support too. this board has helped me too, just being able to talk about things that nobody else can talk about.
Mary if you are reading this, please try to look at your situation from other people's perspective too. Somehow that helped me. Knowing that other people care about you.
allie
Hi Allie,
Good to hear from you, Allie. It seems that you are moving forward & that's a good thing. I am so glad that you mentioned how our lives & deaths