Enough TRIGGER
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Enough TRIGGER
| Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:36pm |
I don't want to live anymore. I just screw up my family. I screwed up work. I'm tired of trying to heal from being sexually abused. I use to post on the sexual abuse board. I guess what push me over the edge is that last weekend after a flashback i started cutting my stomach. I was trying to get him out of me. My DH found out about if and had me call my T. I saw her everyday. Then my two best friends work with me at a workshop that we are Employment Training Specialist for special needs clients. One of my friends saw the cuts and I told her the whole story. Well the next day my other friend came back from vacation. I only got to tell her part of what happen before she and my other friend went to my boss who is an unkind person, thinking that it would help me if I needed time off to get things together. But it didn't work out that way. I was hired in with my boss knowing I had PTSD and why. With all the degrees she has, she should know about PTSD. Well the next day after being told about the cutting I was called in her office with my union rep., witch was my best friend. My boss is afraid that I'm going to hurt one of the clients. I would kill myself before I would hurt anyone. I care for the people I work with. I was put on a medical leave until my Dr. wrote a note stating that I was not going to hurt anyone and that I was stable. My friends just turned on me. I can't go back there because everyone is afraid of me. My career is finished. I can't afford to not work. My Dr. is out of town for two weeks. I heal so low. My family would be better of with out a sick Mom. I lost my best friends, I lost my DH trust in me about not hurting myself. My mother thinks that I can control the nightmares and that I'm doing it for attendion. My kids are sick of me not being able to do things with them because I'm tired all the time. Thats it I'm tried..... I don't want to fight anymore...I just I'm posting here with last hopes that someone understands without judging or telling me I have everything to live for. I just don't care.
Joan
Joan

Hi Joan and welcome to the board... I'm sorry things are so rough right now... it sounds like you've got a lot going on and it just pushed you a little too close to the edge. But that's okay--even if it doesn't FEEL okay, because you CAN step back and you've already begun doing so by reaching out! No judgement here so don't worry about that, ok? I think we've all been in some pretty dark places and so there is a level of understanding here that is not present out in the world -- at least, with most people anyway!
Karla
Community Moderator, iVillage.com
Hi, Joan! I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. You are NOT alone. You can get through these
Joan,
TRIGS
TRIGS
TRIGS
TRIGS
I know how you feel. I was dx'd 5 years ago with Bipolar, Borderline, and PTSD. I was abused sexually when I was 7 years old by a family member. I never told anyone. Finally, after years of taking Prozac for "just" depression, my life spiralled out of control. I messed up my family...way many times more than just once...I messed up work too...big time...was hospitalized 8 times in the psych ward...wanted to die...used to SI too. Trying to "cut" out the pain. It never worked.
I don't have the answers...I just know that for me, I had to make a choice...I chose to live...It was a very hard road back, V E R Y H A R D ...I almost didn't make it. I'm "recovered" now. I know that it doesn't help when you are in the hole to even THINK about coming out of it.
You can do it. Therapy didn't work for me. It made me relive everything, every hell I'd suffered for so many years...I worked through it myself, and many times I had to pray to God to keep me alive, all the while wanting nothing more than to die.
There is hope, I promise. Just hold on. Your friends at work were thinking only of you, honey. They werent trying to hurt you. Similar things happened to me as well.
Just hold on to whatever you can...however small.
I wish I could take it all away for you. You will be whole again...
Hugs,
Keli
Im trying to hang on. It just seems like I get thing in order, I'm back to square on, but in a darker place. I don't know how to get out and forgive my friends. I guess they are not my friends. It's so dark here that there is only light I can see.