Young Life taken by Suicide (TRIGGS)
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| Mon, 05-07-2007 - 4:39pm |
I don't even know what emoticon to put down. It could be a number of them. Sadness, confusion, anger, shock, you name it, I'm feeling it! I have been dealing with these types of thougts and feeling for about two months now. I have had two attempts, one by knife, and two by pills. My husband stopped the second attemp, and I stopped the first. I often have these thoughts of unworthyness, and unwantedness, helplessness, hopelessness, and just being drained of all emotions. I often feel knumb from too many feelings. I often find myself in dark and silent rooms. I have three beautiful children. I have gained two of them by marriage. I have the most wonderful husband that any woman could want or pray for. One who would never cheat on, or lie to. He's truthful almost to a detriment. Now, you ask, if you have such a wonderful life, then why the thoughts and feelings. Sometimes when people are too honest with their SO it can cause feelings of not being good enough, and not being able to live up to that SO expectations. I have a good job, with a promotion hopefully waiting for me in a couple of months. I have thought to myself, it's just too much!! I can't keep up this pace.. I'm not the right one for him.. I'm not good enough for him... It has been a lot to process. My husband is quite a bit smarter and well adjusted than I am. He has kept my head above water so to speak. Kinda poetic that the man that I'm obsessed about pleasing and being good enough for actually keeps me from actually doing it.. But on to the real reason for my post...
My husband's best friend shot himself Saturday night. He called my husband and was asking my husband about what the meaning of life was, and he said that the wrong thing to do was to kill himself. My husband of course, told him.. You're right, the wrong thing to do is to kill yourself.. God doesn't like that. By the end of the conversation, this man was joking and poking fun at their (my husband's and his) favorite basketball team. My husband thought that he was ok. My husband told him that he would call him back later, and that was the last anyone had heard from him. My husband never did get back in touch with his best friend and tells himself that if he had just called him back, then maybe he would still be alive.. My husband text messaged me at work asking me to call him at home. I called him and he told me that he messed up. And I asked him what happened.. He asked me when he had talked to "???" last. I told him Saturday night. He said that "???" shot himself Saturday night. I was shocked.. I started crying and then when I finally calmed down, I couldn't help but feel envy. That this man ended his suffering. Then I saw how it affected my husband. He is still increadibly upset. This man was like a brother to him. He will never be able to workout with him. Never be able to joke with him, and my husband is incredible mad at his friend for being so selfish. I can understand where he is coming from, but I can also understand why "???" wanted to do what he did. It's a tragady! He was so young. He had two beautiful boys and he was in shape, and a not so bad looking guy. It's a complete and total sadness that he actually did it, but I can relate to the pain and the hopelessness, and the helplessness that he was feeling. My husband asked me not to do that to him. I am currently taking medications to help with the moods. I still get down, but not a hopeless as I once did. That's a plus! Ok, well, I have taken up enough of ya'lls time. Thank you for reading my post!

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Hi Professional Dreamer (love that screen name by the way!).... I want to welcome you to the board and let you know that I am glad you found us and decided to post! I hope you will hang out and let us get to know you--and vice versa.
Your post strikes me as both a testimony to the pain that suicide can cause as well as a cry for help and so I'd like to respond to both if I may? (I'd also like to note that I may be wrong in my interpretation and if so, feel free to ignore it or let me know ok?)
Hi and Welcome
I have been in simular shoes, but it was my DS friend that took his one life and it was their senior year. We are a small community and that year we lost 11 high schools do to suicide and accidents. A few of the deaths was suicide because of a SO being killed in a car accident. We were lucky to stop one young man from taking his life after his girl friend was kill. So at graduation he gave his girl friends sister a beautiful rose boquey
as she walked over the stage. The sad part is that all the accidents where not the kids fault. Of course I knew everyone of these kids and it broke my heart, but I to was thinking why couldn't that be me and it would all be over. But at the same time I was watching my son very closely he lost several friend.
You would think that after being part of this and going to so many teenage funerals and seeing what this has done to their family and friends would be enough to shake me out of this suicidal thoughts. but it didn't. I to am on meds to help my moods. So far we are still trying to find the right mix.
Don't give up if the first meds don't work for you. There are many out there and many different combo's
Gentle Hugs
Joan
Well, we made it through the night.. I think more than anything it was an auto-pilot thing. We have three kids that have to do their homework, and be fed and get baths and go to bed for the next day. That's the thing for the living, one day turns into the next and then the next and so on. The world does not stop when someone looses a loved one. I think that is what people who are contemplating suicide tell themselves. "They will grieve for a time, but one day turns into the next, and those people will be better off without me." I know that's what I have said many times. I do suffer from sever depression. I talk to my family doctor from time to time and touch base with him. I talked to my husband about my feeling too. I worry that it will become too much for him. I think that sometimes he will begin to think that I'm faking it, or that I'm trying to get sympathy. I try and keep alot of it from him. This is not my first bout with depression. I got it with my first husband. He was incredibly abusive, emotionally and physically. I was on three kinds of meds the first time. It didn't seem as if anything worked. I finally got out of the situation, and the depression went away. Hmm.. funny how that works.. HA The cause of this depression is my own insecurities. He has helped tremendously with these.
My husband was looking yesterday to post his best friends obituary in the paper. I think that he is slowly going through the grieving process. The anger, sadness and all that. We talked about it some yesterday. I think right now it's just going to take time. The funeral is sometime later this week. It's going to be extremely hard! He asked me yesterday, if I found him laying dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound how it would affect me. I broke down in tears. I can't imagine my life without him. Somehow it feels different the other way around, but I'm guessing it's not. I don't plan on doing anything to myself now. He tells me that I should just take that option out of the equation. If it's not an option then you can't rely on it. This makes sense to a logical brain, and to some extent to an illogical brain. I'm not going to hurt him like "???" did. I don't want to hurt him like that. I just hope and pray that it doesn't come to that!
Hey Dreamer,
Hi Lulu and welcome to the board... I have to say I am so impressed by your strength--despite your very deep pain. And also,your willingness to share your experiences with others so that THEY are perhaps spared from going through what you and your family have gone through. What an unselfish and caring gesture and I thank you for that!
As I read your post, it brought tears to my eyes... I can't IMAGINE having to deal with such an incredible loss and at the SAME time, having to help your little one through it because he terribly misses his grandma. I have been in that dark place several times myself when I was going through a lot of depression and personal issues and I have to say that your experience brings to mind how awful it would have been for MY family had I succeeded. I firmly, believe, Lulu, that once you have had some time to work through your own grief (although it will NEVER be forgotten or gone completely) and help your family through their pain, that your experience WILL save lives! I can feel that in my gut that if you keep sharing ---IF and WHEN you are ready, your mom's death will prevent others.
I have read your posts & want to say that I'm glad you found our board & you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts. Lori has given you sound advice. The death of your husband's friend was unfortunate. Surely this a stress you weren't prepared for.
I hope you're able to support your dh. However it would seem to me that you are overwhelmed with your own depression @ this time. You are NOT being selfish by putting yourself first. As I may have posted before, when you are given the inflight safety instructions, the adult is told to put on the oxygen mask first before attempting to put it on their child. That may sound cruel. But, it does make sense. If you pass out while putting a mask on your child, who will take care of your child when you are out of commission? Who will take care of YOU???
That's a shame about the job. Have you considered asking why you were passed over? Some ppl find that asking their employers what they need to do to improve their chances for the next promotion is helpful. I do better when I know exactly where I stand & what is expected of me. Otherwise I tend to ruminate negatively & run out of hope. I know how hard it is not to have wheels & depend upon others. Hopefully you can remedy this situation soon.
If the thoughts of suicide continue to overwhelm you, please seek help. We care about you & want you to be safe. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
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