Young Life taken by Suicide (TRIGGS)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Young Life taken by Suicide (TRIGGS)
17
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 4:39pm

I don't even know what emoticon to put down. It could be a number of them. Sadness, confusion, anger, shock, you name it, I'm feeling it! I have been dealing with these types of thougts and feeling for about two months now. I have had two attempts, one by knife, and two by pills. My husband stopped the second attemp, and I stopped the first. I often have these thoughts of unworthyness, and unwantedness, helplessness, hopelessness, and just being drained of all emotions. I often feel knumb from too many feelings. I often find myself in dark and silent rooms. I have three beautiful children. I have gained two of them by marriage. I have the most wonderful husband that any woman could want or pray for. One who would never cheat on, or lie to. He's truthful almost to a detriment. Now, you ask, if you have such a wonderful life, then why the thoughts and feelings. Sometimes when people are too honest with their SO it can cause feelings of not being good enough, and not being able to live up to that SO expectations. I have a good job, with a promotion hopefully waiting for me in a couple of months. I have thought to myself, it's just too much!! I can't keep up this pace.. I'm not the right one for him.. I'm not good enough for him... It has been a lot to process. My husband is quite a bit smarter and well adjusted than I am. He has kept my head above water so to speak. Kinda poetic that the man that I'm obsessed about pleasing and being good enough for actually keeps me from actually doing it.. But on to the real reason for my post...

My husband's best friend shot himself Saturday night. He called my husband and was asking my husband about what the meaning of life was, and he said that the wrong thing to do was to kill himself. My husband of course, told him.. You're right, the wrong thing to do is to kill yourself.. God doesn't like that. By the end of the conversation, this man was joking and poking fun at their (my husband's and his) favorite basketball team. My husband thought that he was ok. My husband told him that he would call him back later, and that was the last anyone had heard from him. My husband never did get back in touch with his best friend and tells himself that if he had just called him back, then maybe he would still be alive.. My husband text messaged me at work asking me to call him at home. I called him and he told me that he messed up. And I asked him what happened.. He asked me when he had talked to "???" last. I told him Saturday night. He said that "???" shot himself Saturday night. I was shocked.. I started crying and then when I finally calmed down, I couldn't help but feel envy. That this man ended his suffering. Then I saw how it affected my husband. He is still increadibly upset. This man was like a brother to him. He will never be able to workout with him. Never be able to joke with him, and my husband is incredible mad at his friend for being so selfish. I can understand where he is coming from, but I can also understand why "???" wanted to do what he did. It's a tragady! He was so young. He had two beautiful boys and he was in shape, and a not so bad looking guy. It's a complete and total sadness that he actually did it, but I can relate to the pain and the hopelessness, and the helplessness that he was feeling. My husband asked me not to do that to him. I am currently taking medications to help with the moods. I still get down, but not a hopeless as I once did. That's a plus! Ok, well, I have taken up enough of ya'lls time. Thank you for reading my post!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:28pm

Hi Professional Dreamer (love that screen name by the way!).... I want to welcome you to the board and let you know that I am glad you found us and decided to post! I hope you will hang out and let us get to know you--and vice versa.


Your post strikes me as both a testimony to the pain that suicide can cause as well as a cry for help and so I'd like to respond to both if I may? (I'd also like to note that I may be wrong in my interpretation and if so, feel free to ignore it or let me know ok?)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:48pm

Hi and Welcome

I have been in simular shoes, but it was my DS friend that took his one life and it was their senior year. We are a small community and that year we lost 11 high schools do to suicide and accidents. A few of the deaths was suicide because of a SO being killed in a car accident. We were lucky to stop one young man from taking his life after his girl friend was kill. So at graduation he gave his girl friends sister a beautiful rose boquey
as she walked over the stage. The sad part is that all the accidents where not the kids fault. Of course I knew everyone of these kids and it broke my heart, but I to was thinking why couldn't that be me and it would all be over. But at the same time I was watching my son very closely he lost several friend.
You would think that after being part of this and going to so many teenage funerals and seeing what this has done to their family and friends would be enough to shake me out of this suicidal thoughts. but it didn't. I to am on meds to help my moods. So far we are still trying to find the right mix.
Don't give up if the first meds don't work for you. There are many out there and many different combo's
Gentle Hugs
Joan

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:17pm

Well, we made it through the night.. I think more than anything it was an auto-pilot thing. We have three kids that have to do their homework, and be fed and get baths and go to bed for the next day. That's the thing for the living, one day turns into the next and then the next and so on. The world does not stop when someone looses a loved one. I think that is what people who are contemplating suicide tell themselves. "They will grieve for a time, but one day turns into the next, and those people will be better off without me." I know that's what I have said many times. I do suffer from sever depression. I talk to my family doctor from time to time and touch base with him. I talked to my husband about my feeling too. I worry that it will become too much for him. I think that sometimes he will begin to think that I'm faking it, or that I'm trying to get sympathy. I try and keep alot of it from him. This is not my first bout with depression. I got it with my first husband. He was incredibly abusive, emotionally and physically. I was on three kinds of meds the first time. It didn't seem as if anything worked. I finally got out of the situation, and the depression went away. Hmm.. funny how that works.. HA The cause of this depression is my own insecurities. He has helped tremendously with these.

My husband was looking yesterday to post his best friends obituary in the paper. I think that he is slowly going through the grieving process. The anger, sadness and all that. We talked about it some yesterday. I think right now it's just going to take time. The funeral is sometime later this week. It's going to be extremely hard! He asked me yesterday, if I found him laying dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound how it would affect me. I broke down in tears. I can't imagine my life without him. Somehow it feels different the other way around, but I'm guessing it's not. I don't plan on doing anything to myself now. He tells me that I should just take that option out of the equation. If it's not an option then you can't rely on it. This makes sense to a logical brain, and to some extent to an illogical brain. I'm not going to hurt him like "???" did. I don't want to hurt him like that. I just hope and pray that it doesn't come to that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 5:34pm

Hey Dreamer,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 5:51pm
Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:47am
hi there.its been almost 3 years since my mom killed herself.she was only 49 at the time and i was almost 30.i miss her so very much,she left behind a 36 day old grandbaby that i just had delievered and my other 3 year old son.and my brothers wife was 2 months pregnant and they had 2 other children and my other brother had one child as well.it tore my world apart and my son that is now 5 has been affected by it so badly that he has sleep problems and has to take meds.it all started when i was in the hospital my moms mom died from lung cancer and i got out later that evening after she died.my mom was up and down with her emotions.my mom lasted 36 days after my grandma died before she took her life.now my dad is alone and i'm having such a hard time with depression,stress,you name it.her death has really messed up my life and i'm trying to get better so my kids don't go through what i've had to go through.i know life is tough,been there myself,but i just wanted you to see the effects it leaves on your children and spouse.my dad is on so much nerve medicine now and he's not the same,hardly ever gets out of the bed and so on.he found both my mother and grandmother dead in the house.my older brother has been in prison since my mom died and hasn't been out too long,we have all suffered in one way or another.so please think about how bad it is but how really bad it will get if you harmed yourself,it doesn't stop the pain but adds to it.i go to counseling and i just try to work through it the best i can,but i just wanted you to see the other side-my side.sending hugs to you,lulu
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:38am

Hi Lulu and welcome to the board... I have to say I am so impressed by your strength--despite your very deep pain. And also,your willingness to share your experiences with others so that THEY are perhaps spared from going through what you and your family have gone through. What an unselfish and caring gesture and I thank you for that!


As I read your post, it brought tears to my eyes... I can't IMAGINE having to deal with such an incredible loss and at the SAME time, having to help your little one through it because he terribly misses his grandma. I have been in that dark place several times myself when I was going through a lot of depression and personal issues and I have to say that your experience brings to mind how awful it would have been for MY family had I succeeded. I firmly, believe, Lulu, that once you have had some time to work through your own grief (although it will NEVER be forgotten or gone completely) and help your family through their pain, that your experience WILL save lives! I can feel that in my gut that if you keep sharing ---IF and WHEN you are ready, your mom's death will prevent others.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:45am
Thank you for your story. I know the side effects of what my actions will cause. I have seen first hand how devistating a suicide is. I am an intelligent person, and that has kept me from actually going through with it. I can see how my actions will ripple through my family, friends and co-workers. Then I think about hurting myself. Not enough to kill me but enough to make it real. To feel something other than emotional pain. It's hard to explain to people who have never experienced this. I have to be the rock for my husband right now so the thought of me going anywhere right now is out of the question. I'm not going to make him go through two suicides in one week. I think that is too much, and you know, I will probably never do it. I think about it from time to time. Last night was one of those times. My car isn't running well anymore and my husband has been dropping me off and picking me up from work after lunch. Well, he forgot that I had to work until 7 pm and he was here to pick me up at 5. It made him angry. I appoligized for him forgetting. I felt it was my fault for having to work until 7. Then I feel like it's my fault for him having to pick me up in the first place. My car runs. It just doesn't run well. It dies on me and it has a major rattle in the motor. The car scares me. So I ask him to take me back to work after lunch and I ask him to pick me up. I should just drive the car until it actually stops. He was really mad yesterday. He told me that he just wanted to fight someone. We stopped and got gas after work yesterday and he wanted the man that was at the other pump to start something so that he could beat the crap out of him. I understand it. It's all part of the grieving process. I just get the brunt of it all. I feel like such a burden on him right now. My boss is retiring, and so is the asst boss. I was hoping to get my bosses position, but I found out that they offered it to someone else. Now I'm just hoping to get the asst position. I don't think I could handle not getting that position. I have been here for two years, and when I was hired I was promised my bosses position. I feel like such a failure right now. And it really hit me yesterday when I found out they offered the job to someone else. And with my husband still grieving for his friend, I felt alone and a burden. Last night I watched this show called "House." It had a teenager on it that tried to commit suicide, but the doctors didn't know that at first. It actually purked up my ears when I heard how she tried. Kinda scary really. I keep thinking that as long as I find it scary and I keep in my mind the people it will affect, it will keep me from doing it. That's what I'm banking on at this point in time. I feel very selfish right now. My husband is grieving tremendously over his friend, and I'm sitting here thinking of myself... Well, I digress.. talk to you soon..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:40pm

I have read your posts & want to say that I'm glad you found our board & you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts. Lori has given you sound advice. The death of your husband's friend was unfortunate. Surely this a stress you weren't prepared for.


I hope you're able to support your dh. However it would seem to me that you are overwhelmed with your own depression @ this time. You are NOT being selfish by putting yourself first. As I may have posted before, when you are given the inflight safety instructions, the adult is told to put on the oxygen mask first before attempting to put it on their child. That may sound cruel. But, it does make sense. If you pass out while putting a mask on your child, who will take care of your child when you are out of commission? Who will take care of YOU???


That's a shame about the job. Have you considered asking why you were passed over? Some ppl find that asking their employers what they need to do to improve their chances for the next promotion is helpful. I do better when I know exactly where I stand & what is expected of me. Otherwise I tend to ruminate negatively & run out of hope. I know how hard it is not to have wheels & depend upon others. Hopefully you can remedy this situation soon.


If the thoughts of suicide continue to overwhelm you, please seek help. We care about you & want you to be safe. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 5:19pm
The viewing is tonight at 6:00-8:00 pm. The service is tomorrow at 1:00 pm. I have mixed feelings about all of it. Part of me wants to go to the viewing (visitation) tonight and see for myself if all of it's true. I still don't completely agree that he's gone. It's all been pretty nighmarish to me. Like it's not really happening. But I don't want to go because I don't want it to be true. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I'm anxios about it all. I had respect for this man, and I loved him because my husband loved him so dearly and I love my husband dearly. My husband says that I have handled this soo well.. Being there for him and letting him know that I am there for him if he needs me. I want to do the right thing by my husband. He has been there for me on so many occations. I don't want to mess this one up!! We do have some relief about the whole situation though. It is being further investigated. The investigator thinks that this could very well be an accidental death!! That, I guess, is easier to digest. It makes it barable I guess.. It's still a terrible thing to deal with though. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two days.. I took tomorrow off. I'm trying to get the assistant position now. I think I'm going to have to compete against other people for it. I hope 2 years on the job training and an associates degree will get the job for me. I don't think I can handle a disappointment like that.. Anyway, I guess my incoherance is complete. Thank you for listening (reading) :)

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