Young Life taken by Suicide (TRIGGS)
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| Mon, 05-07-2007 - 4:39pm |
I don't even know what emoticon to put down. It could be a number of them. Sadness, confusion, anger, shock, you name it, I'm feeling it! I have been dealing with these types of thougts and feeling for about two months now. I have had two attempts, one by knife, and two by pills. My husband stopped the second attemp, and I stopped the first. I often have these thoughts of unworthyness, and unwantedness, helplessness, hopelessness, and just being drained of all emotions. I often feel knumb from too many feelings. I often find myself in dark and silent rooms. I have three beautiful children. I have gained two of them by marriage. I have the most wonderful husband that any woman could want or pray for. One who would never cheat on, or lie to. He's truthful almost to a detriment. Now, you ask, if you have such a wonderful life, then why the thoughts and feelings. Sometimes when people are too honest with their SO it can cause feelings of not being good enough, and not being able to live up to that SO expectations. I have a good job, with a promotion hopefully waiting for me in a couple of months. I have thought to myself, it's just too much!! I can't keep up this pace.. I'm not the right one for him.. I'm not good enough for him... It has been a lot to process. My husband is quite a bit smarter and well adjusted than I am. He has kept my head above water so to speak. Kinda poetic that the man that I'm obsessed about pleasing and being good enough for actually keeps me from actually doing it.. But on to the real reason for my post...
My husband's best friend shot himself Saturday night. He called my husband and was asking my husband about what the meaning of life was, and he said that the wrong thing to do was to kill himself. My husband of course, told him.. You're right, the wrong thing to do is to kill yourself.. God doesn't like that. By the end of the conversation, this man was joking and poking fun at their (my husband's and his) favorite basketball team. My husband thought that he was ok. My husband told him that he would call him back later, and that was the last anyone had heard from him. My husband never did get back in touch with his best friend and tells himself that if he had just called him back, then maybe he would still be alive.. My husband text messaged me at work asking me to call him at home. I called him and he told me that he messed up. And I asked him what happened.. He asked me when he had talked to "???" last. I told him Saturday night. He said that "???" shot himself Saturday night. I was shocked.. I started crying and then when I finally calmed down, I couldn't help but feel envy. That this man ended his suffering. Then I saw how it affected my husband. He is still increadibly upset. This man was like a brother to him. He will never be able to workout with him. Never be able to joke with him, and my husband is incredible mad at his friend for being so selfish. I can understand where he is coming from, but I can also understand why "???" wanted to do what he did. It's a tragady! He was so young. He had two beautiful boys and he was in shape, and a not so bad looking guy. It's a complete and total sadness that he actually did it, but I can relate to the pain and the hopelessness, and the helplessness that he was feeling. My husband asked me not to do that to him. I am currently taking medications to help with the moods. I still get down, but not a hopeless as I once did. That's a plus! Ok, well, I have taken up enough of ya'lls time. Thank you for reading my post!

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Hey Dreamer,
Your feelings of ambivalence re: the visitation are totally understandable! And that questioning of "Can it really be true? Is he REALLY dead?" (despite knowing in your gut that it's so) also seems pretty typical to me. Denial in fact is one of the stages of grieving as explained by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who has written much on the subject and is well known in the field. (She has since passed away but her work is still widely refered to.)
Hey Lulu,
The morning after... Went to the viewing.. It was such a shock. It was him. I mean, I knew deep down that it was, but I just wanted it all to be a bad joke. I walked up to the casket and, he was laying there. It didn't even look like him really. He was plastic. It was like something you would see in a wax museum... I just wanted to shake him and tell him the get his a** up. I wanted to tell him awake, that he had driven a knife through his mom's, his sister's, his best friends and my heart. Not to mention his 5 year old son. He didn't understand really. His 5 year old tried to open his mouth and his eyes. He asked his mom why Daddy was so cold. He asked why he wouldn't open his eyes and mouth. I watched as his mom leaned over his body and sobbed uncontrolably. Tomorrow's Mother's Day. What a Mother's Day present right??
Yesterday at the funeral, I felt numb. I saw the body again. It was worse than the day before. I think most of the make-up was washed off of his forehead, because it had started to turn purple. There were so many people at the funeral. You never really understand how many lives you touch until there's a funeral. I think some of the people were there for his mom, but I guess that's the Christian thing to do. Most people didn't know the Joe that my husband knew, and that I got a glimpse of. They all talked about him playing sports and being the quiet man that he was. And he really was the quiet man. He was the gental giant. He was 6'2 weighed 220 of muscle. The man could bench press almost 400 lbs off his chest, but he was so gental with his sons. His masive hands turned from calouses to silk when holding his babies. He was the soft spoken man that when he did talk, it was like, man he does know how to talk. I think there was so much more to him than most realized, even me. I only knew him through my husband. I was blessed to have known him for almost 3 years. He welcomed me into his home before my husband and I were married. After the funeral, I was drained emotioanlly. I cried at the funeral, but mostly I felt like I took on some of the pain and anguish that his mother and sister were feeling. I took it on as my own. I wanted to take it completely from them and hold on to it. His mom didn't want to leave the body. She had to be coaxed away. I could see the pain in my husnbands eyes. I could see the anger in his eyes. I wanted to take it away. I told my husband all this very late last night, and he told me that I can't absorb all of that pain and anger. I can't carry it as my burden, because it isn't mine to carry, but I told him that it is because he was hurting, and that I was hurting for him. I do it for the happy times and I do it for the sad times as well.. I'm an overly emotional person. I feel everything, and sometimes too much. Today is a bit better. I have had nightmares most of the week. Last night was no exception. It's getting to be tolorable though. I come to expect them. They don't frighten me as much. I would have done anything to keep those people from hurting the way they were. I would have traded places with the man in the casket. Now I don't ask to actually kill myself, because I know that it will distroy the people around me. I just ask for something natually to happen. I'm not going to help the process along, but I do wish to leave this life. I'm tired of feeling so much. I will go on though. I will ask God to help me through it, and I ask him if it's my time to join him, please take me. I want the sadness to go away. I want the lonelyness to go away. I have even gotten good at hiding it from my husband. I can laugh and joke now in his presence. Maybe if I do it enough, the pain and sadness will go away.. One can hope...
Hey there,
That was so very hard for me to read. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling. Please take care of YOU. If you need to talk with someone, post here anytime. There are support groups out there for ppl experiencing grief from this sort of loss. Perhaps you & dh could attend together. We care. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
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