They are back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
They are back.
6
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:38pm
The thoughts that is. They are back along with my crying, my mom seems to think that once school is over they will go away and everything will be fine, but I know they won't school is not my problem, yes I have fallen behind b/c I was in the hospital for 3.5days and then did not get much done the weekend following but I should be fine, If I stay on schedule. I even got an A on a final project today, I was fine, work was good, I even stayed strong around my ex. I don't know what has gotten in to me, I can not stand to be mean and mad at anybody, even if that person hurt me, crushed me or whatever. It is so hard not to be able to talk to someone that you talked to every day, then every body is treating me differently, now that they know I have these thoughts, which I don't really like, they did not treat me this nice and caring before why should they now. They were heartless, thoughtless and mean the way I read everything. I don't know what to do. My new counsler told me last week that if I start getting the thoughts again and seriously think about harming myself, to wait 24hrs because tomorrow is another day. I guess I should do that. Just go to sleep and hope to wake up feeling better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:09am

Hey there Caitlin,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 4:35pm
yes, I've thought that maybe I feel this bad is because the relationship ended, but I don't believe it is the cause of all my bad feelings, ya when I met him he made me feel better the depression wasn't so bad but my counsler thinks that is because he was giving me attention that I don't get that much of. I think all my bad feelings just piled up on me, that everyone in the world was just using me that nobody cared. Then stress with school didn't make it any better. People in my life were and still are using me for anything and everything, my brother uses me for money and he has been out of jail for 1.5 weeks, he seemed like he was going to change, but I haven't gotten my hopes up just yet, thank goodness I didn't b/c he just came over to hang out or whatever, he came for like 5 minutes, I was in my basement working on a project, when I heard him on the phone saying he would be there in a minute, so he came down and I said you leaving. He said some BS answer and I continued on, like 2 seconds later I realized I left my purse upstairs with money in it, so I ran up stairs, and yep he took like $40 out. I know I should me mad, hurt and angry, I even want to cry but right now I feel nothing. I know I have a descion to make whether I should/need to tell people like his soon to be ex-wife so she doesn't think he is changed or my mother and grandmother(lives with her). Right now I hate him, he even knows/knew that using/stealing from me, was one of my problems of why I wanted to end it. I just can't believe he would do this to me again, when he seemed like he did not want to lose me... I know now it is b/c I wouldn't be around to work for the money I have for him to take. I don't know what to do, now he left me with $3 and I don't get paid until friday and still need to get gas to get to school and work and park. More stress for me to deal with. Now the tears are coming, b/c of him nobody will help me with money, nobody trusts that I would pay them back if I borrowed money b/c they make assumptions that since he is my brother we are the same. Now the thoughts are coming back rapidly and now the tears are coming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 5:41pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:12pm

I have thought of setting boundaries with him telling him that I would call the police, I told him that about 2 months ago before he stole my car and what did he do still stole it I did call the police, but I ended up finding him myself and took it back, I was going to press charges but the DA said there was nothing he could do since the keys were in the car when he took it, the fact that I got out for a second to tell my grandma something and he ended up pushing me to the side and jumped in didn't phase him any the DA said I shouldn't be able to press charges against my own brother, I was stunned, he did not want to put a convicted felon in jail. Whatever. But anyways I would call the police, but if I did that, everybody in my family would hate me, and get mad, blame me for him being in jail. They probably will blame me for leaving my money where he could get it, I completely forgot to hide it which I normally do. My mother would not let me call the police and my dad would be very angry since he just put up the bail money for him and paid all his fines a few weeks ago, just for him to go back. I know this b/c last summer, He stole about $250(in one day not counting the other times during the summer) from me, took my debit card, how he figured out the pin is beyond me, but he did, I was outraged when I found it was gone the next day, I was ready to call the police, there would be proof, with pictures from the ATM and everything, but my mom wouldn't let me, said it would be bad for him to go to jail. Well I'm fed up with his behavior, its time he needs to grow up. I'm 5yrs younger than him and I'm more mature than he is. Heck there was a time when I was paying for his children’s food when I was 17. So I'm in a corner with him, my mom didn't care that much that he took money from me, she got worried that he took her $5 in change, when I'm out 50. Everybody will forgive him tomorrow. I just can't believe I do everything right in my life so far, make one mistake with the attempt, and nobody cares or believes me or thinks I'm a liar, but him when he has made millions of mistakes and lies 24/7 they believe and care about him more. I know my mom has always played favorites with us I don't know why and she denies it. I wish I could also get my brother help b/c a social worker I talked to once said that he probably has depression also, that in his case he is self medicating with drugs.

Oh well nothing I can do about them, I just need to forget about them just take care of myself. I want to move out so I can get away from the craziness, I believe it would help me but I can't right now. I just hate my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:17pm

flowerhugs.gif


Hi, Caitlan! I am very sorry to hear about the return of the thoughts. This happens to many of us. They didn't arrive overnight, so they won't disappear overnight either. This is a very real & hard part of learning to cope with depression.


Undoubtedly, the stress within your family & what is going on with the past relationship,

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 4:46pm

so far today, I haven't had any thoughts, today I feel really good actually. As for my living situation, I have no where to go. I would live with my Grandma, but my brother is living there at the moment and she chain smokes and I've got to the point from second hand smoke from her, that when I'm around it or over at her house I can not breath and start coughing really bad. Last year it gave me a bad case of bronchitis, I think when I went to a UrgentCare they said the infection was so bad that I only had a 27 percent opening to my lungs. Anyways, I can not live with my dad, I just don't want to go into the reason why. lol My school is very small, maybe 1500-2000 students at the most maybe even less than that. they have dorms for freshman, then another dorm building, for students that live out of state and show they cannot afford their own apartment, and for exchange students. I could not live in the dorms this year because they asked if you lived close by to be a commuter because of limited space. I'm currently saving to maybe afford a cheap one bedroom some where. But that will probably not happen for another year, because I will also need to save incase my car breaks down, I really need to get a better car first, not that it is bad just has alot of miles. I'm silly but I always have to save for stuff, since I was 12 I've been saving to get stuff, school clothing, supplies, car, pay my my bills, cell and insurance, pay for doc appts. I feel like I've been an adult since I was 12 except I have no freedom. my counsler is helping alot. I really want the thoughts gone, I want to be better no matter how long it takes.

Exercising I was planning on starting soon, volunteer I will be volunteering this summer to keep my scholarship it is a requirement to do 10hrs of volunteering each semester or at least 80hrs by 4 yrs. I'm also going to start my pottery hobby again for the summer and school is over so that stress will go away. but then I will not be as busy and will have nothing to do alot. I'm going to try to find something, just do not know yet.