trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
trigs
4
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 1:54pm
I feel myself plummeting again. HE affects my mood so much it shames me that he has that power over me. All I can think of is 'escape.' I feel dreadful that I asked my young son if he could live here without me and the only thing I want to do is put a gun in my mouth. What a lousy mother I am,,,,,he tells me the faults of our children is because of how I raised them. He says he has to deal with that and try to fix all I did wrong. Everything I do is wrong, everything is my fault, I am stupid, I can't do anything right,,,,,so all I keep thinking is what good am I anyway? I feel like I am in a gutter right now, a dirty foul smelling gutter and I deserve nothing more than to put my face in the filthy water and drown myself. Why does God hate me so much?,,,,,I wish I was never born.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 8:45pm

Hi Abby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:00pm
(((Abby))) I am sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself & make YOU the number one priority today. Call for help as Lori suggested. You have been able to work through these feelings in the past & you can do it again. Please let us know how you're doing today. God does love you. We care. jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 5:10pm
Thank you for you kind response and I apologize for what I wrote as it obviously caused you to feel concern for what I wrote. I am doing better as I write this, never as well as I wish I could be, but better than before. I am thinking that you are sensitive to the ups and downs of depression and how the downs can consume one sometimes. I can't tell you that I called anyone, or told my psychdoc because,,,,well because I am too afraid of the reprecussions of telling anyone when I get that low. It was dreadful what I said to my son and I won't ever do that again. He is a child and needs to have a mother who is there for him at all times even when the bad times for her are almost unbearable.
I do however am considering talking to my doctor about my 'lows' and how when I am like that I actually am considering 'leaving' my children. I am just so afraid, so afraid of what he will think or God forbid do. Things here are okay right now and I am floating and not sinking so that is a good thing. Thank you again for your kindness, your understanding,,,,,thank you for caring enough to write back.
Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:33pm

Hi Abby,


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