should I tell him why? trig maybe.
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| Mon, 05-14-2007 - 11:32pm |
Quickbackground info(8month FWB sorta affair deal thing(he supposedly was getting a divorce when I met him... heh right), I started thinking I wanted more,(because that was our orginial argreement to stop it if one of us got too attached) so I stopped it made mistake of telling him I like him more than a friend, he went crazy on me called a lier and I was lieing to him the entire 8months which I wasn't just started thinking it, I knew he wanted nothing more, told me never talk to him again but he kept emailing ofcoure I kept repling so now we are being just friends)
now to my question which might have trigs.
Should I tell him he wants to know why. Some of you may or maynot know and I do not mean to trigger anybody or anything, But 3 weeks ago I attempted suicide, not entirely b/c of xAP but he just pushed me over the edge to hit rock bottom. I was already feeling super low before our arguement. but last friday I made the mistake of telling him why I was in the hospital when he asked me. So today he wanted to know why. and said I told him friday that he did not want to know. He asked me why I thought that. I said b/c he did not care about me so I did not think he cared to know what I did or why,( he made it clear he did not care for me one ounce 3 weeks ago) anyways now today he wants to know why I attempted this b/c friday I just told him because. I told him today again he does not want to know but he said If I did not want to know I would not have asked you. so therefore I want to know. but he also said he did not think much about or of it after I told him. that to me told me he did not care, but why would he act like he did care if he did not. Friday he also go really worried about me told me never to do that again, I said why do you care (I'm not planning on attempting any time soon just so you all know) He said why would you want to do that. Ummm duh I would not be here anymore. I mean come one why does someone attempt it. geez is he blind. anyways, he just seemed really worried and never wanted me to do that again, said he would be sad because I would not be around anymore, and would be in the ground. What is this all supposed to mean. Now in my silly head I'm starting to think he actually does care about me, just can not admit it b/c he supposedly still going thru his divorce(whatever). I do not know what to do. If I tell him I will start crying about my miserable depressing life and bring up all the bad memories that I was thinking that night. I told the counslers everything I thought I was done. But he is really the only other person in the world I feel like I can talk to besides my counsler. I was doing so well, I was happy for 4.5 day in a row until my boss started pushing me toward him saying I need a life and she is going to make me less of a loner get me to hang with the guys more. yeah!(totally scarasim)
I really am debating on whether I should tell him why. I do not understand why he wants to know if he does not care about me. I don't know. what do you think should I tell him yes or no?
*I hope everything I posted here was alright to post, If not I'm sorry just let me know and I'll change or delete it.

Hi Caitlin,
I did wonder if he felt guilty, and I told him the reason I did not want him to even know about the attempt was because I said "everybody else in the world that knows seems to think they had something to do with it, and I just did not want you to think you had anything to do with it or caused it, or they think they should have noticed or paid attention better so they could have saved me or something. I did not want you to think that." Thru email that is why it is word for word. lol
But then today I told him If he really wanted to know someday I might tell him but not today I do not want to go thru that right now with him. but he just said ok someday, but I really do not want to know...? what I do not know why I bother with him. he drives me crazy. I also mentioned that If I answered his question he would have to answer one of mine. My question would have been why he wanted to know so badly. Maybe that is why he changed his mind. I don't care why I really did not want to tell him anything. But he said he meant he did not understand why I would attempt what I attempted. That is what he meant by why would you do that? supposedly now It was just a hypothetical question, even thou I told him he did not want to know but he said he did b/c if he did not he wouldn't have asked. I really do need to end this, It is just too hard to stop talking to him. but now that I called him out yesterday asked him why he wanted to know when he obviously did not care about me b/c he made that crystal clear to me few weeks ago. why he was acting like he cared. I asked him to stop acting and not to hand out sympathy cards to me, not to feel sorry ect. get over it all, he had many chances to be with me but he blew them off. So now I'm not sure if he is acting or if he was serious. I think he probably wouldn't mind If it worked. he probably would have say good riddance. KWIM. He was also flirting with me today, yuck. Wants to get back to using me ASAP b/c I seem happier, Nice huh tell him about my attempt then he wants to use me some more to allow me to hit rock bottom again. Love ya too buddy. I'm afraid I'm going to have to get a new job, but I do not want to I'm going to get a raise .75 here soon and it is just to nice here, everybody except him would be nice. I can't believe I really tried doing the friend thing with him. uggggggh. he isn't a good friend and he proved that to me many many times, why can't I just see it, It has smacked me across the face so many times but I can't seem to grasp it in my mind or just let go or give up who cares I mean really.
I'm not doing the friend thing anymore, I was around him today and he just seemed really annoyed with me being around, so I told him to quit faking being my friend b/c I was doing it for him, I'd rather him just tell me to leave him alone or that he does not want to be friends anymore, It would be much easier, then I also said he probably wished I died 3 weeks ago, and that made 2 of us. my thoughts are coming back and the tears are back and I cannot explain why, just are, I go to the counsler tomorrow so I guess I'll get her opinion or something.
Hi Cait,