I'm doing better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
I'm doing better.
3
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 8:37pm

I'm doing better, today and past few days. I was not doing so well Tuesday night, started thinking about it again, started crying uncontrollably, nobody was home so I locked myself in the bathroom so I could not harm myself, crying I finally broke down in there and had what I believe to be an anixety attack, I'm not sure what happened but I slowly came back to realization, but as I was I was sitting in the corner of the bathroom holding my knees and rocking myself. It was really strange but I go thru it, but I did not harm myself which is a good thing. :) I'm doing well with the X and have to admit that my thoughts an breakdown this week was not b/c of him but I started thinking If a 37 yr old man did not want to be with me nobody would want to so I felt useless, and worthless and it just hurt that he did not care that much about me. Whatever. My counsler said I was allowing him to control me again by having those thoughts seemed shocked that I had them again, she seems really irritated about my situation with him. How I still miss him and have those thoughts when he treated me badly and was perverted, tried to get to do thing that I felt uncomfortable doing ect. She told me I needed to find people/friends my own age. Which I know I need to but at the moment everybody I know/knew at school went home for the summer. I'm tring to look up some old high school friends but only found one so far. I also did something weird, that I thought might help my self-esteem, I signed up for a free-trial online dating thing, where you meet people, and I actually met someone interesting or at least I believe him to be interesting,good and fun. I do not know whether I want to meet him. Sorta scared I seriously did not think I would get there, not sure if I'm ready, and sorta indifferent about the whole situation. Anyways It has gotten my mind off the X and he was being subtle today tring to get in my head again to use me some more. Which I was strong I ignored him and did not respond is what my counsler told me to do. :) I also laughed yesterday as hard as I have in a long time, I was watching Dodgeball the movie with my brother, and It got me laughing, It felt good, I did not want it to end. I'm not 100% but I'm a working progress. Thank you everyone that has helped me and stuck with me so far in my process, you all should be proud that you are good listeners and willing to help people in our situation or wanting to help. Really you have helped me alot and probably more. Does this make since, I'm just tring to say thank you so much for being here.

Caitlin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 10:59pm

Hi Caitlin,


I'm glad you are finding it helpful to be here--I know I certainly find it rewarding to be a part of people's journey here!


Also, GREAT to hear that you've had some relief these past few days from all the emotional "heaviness" you've been dealing with--YAYYY!!! I know when I was going thru it, any break was a welcome one!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 12:02pm

I might be misreading what she means, probably is what I'm doing. She is just probably trying to reasure my decsion of the break and trying to keep me from going back. It just seems like she is pressuring me to tell people about it. Says I'm just protecting him from not telling people, which probably is what I'm doing but I'm just not ready to tell people, It is embarassing for me too, to have been involved with him. and to have stayed in the relationship for so long. I'm just not comfortable telling people.

You are right about I should not rush into things with anybody, and This new guy I'm talking to seems nice and sweet, and I've told him I have to take things slow, so we are just chatting online and just going to be friends for now. But part of me when I talk to him I tend to think about my ex, and start missing him. so that to me tells me I'm not over him yet. It is hard. This new guy knows about my depression and the attempt, I told him yesterday, because he was telling me about a g/f he had that attempted something in front of him, and he was in love with her but she wasn't and moved away, as he was telling me all that I sorta saw she might have been depressed, saw part of me and we both thought the same, but she had more problems than me, from my understanding she was molested and rapped. So I told him but he said he thought that I had depression because I mentioned hard times or something, but he was ok with it. He himself, I believe is self medicating for his own depression, told me he is on steriods but when he has a g/f he goes off. Which I'm not sure what to think or do about that, he must think he needs a g/f all the time or something. Anyways enough about that.

I've been good the past few days, except yesterday I started thinking of some bad memories and cried for about 5 minutes. But before that I was fine, as happy as I could be, I lost my voice and my allergies are acting crazy but that did not get me down, my nephews came over this weekend, and step-nieces. I did not play with them much, because I did not feel good, butI watched them play and just seeing them makes me happy. I also did not get close incase what I think is allergies is not and possibly a cold, but I think it is allergies b/c when I take my medicine it gets better. I have not had thoughts but get a little sad sometimes and still sleep alot. I finally get a day or two alone today and tomrrow which is nice.

Sorry about rambling about nothing.

Caitlin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:25pm

Hey Caitlin,


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