A bit of turmoil going on...
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| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:08am |
Hi all... I used to post off and on over here a while ago, and on occasion I come by and post an update...
I am by all means not feeling suicidal, but I'm very much hurting and I need to cry a bit. I hope you don't mind.
My husband and I just celebrated our 16th anniversary on Friday, 5/18. However, "celebrated" isn't really the word. It's more like... survived. Don't get me wrong, we did go out, we had a great time. The kids went with us, we had a late dinner out, and it was really nice. But...
We have two children, a son who just turned 8 and a daughter who will turn 5 in June. After she was born I suffered from a very severe case of PPD, it lasted forever, it seemed. I did go to therapy (for a LONG time) and was on many meds. Then I was dx'd with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), which is essentially PMS times a million. Needless to say, it has been a rough few years, with the PPD and the PMDD... and, oh, my daughter was born with a cleft lip/palate, so that adds a bit more stress into the mix. She's had 7 surgeries so far.
Anyway... we're dealing with some hugely difficult financial troubles, so obviously that puts on even more weight on our shoulders. We live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes not even.
Our daughter is having some issues with her BMs. Yes, it sounds silly, but it's become a huge deal and we are fed up and frustrated. I have to call the pediatrician and talk to someone about it, hopefully they can give me some advice. Anyway... today was really rough, she had a few incidences, and I just lost it. I screamed and cried. I wanted nothing to do with her. It wasn't the best way to go about it, naturally, but I had enough. Later tonight, when the kids were in bed, I cried as my husband watched tv. After 15 or so minutes of me crying in the living room hoping that he would come to me and hold me, I asked him to please come to bed and just comfort me.
Okay, he did... that is, he came to bed with me. But comfort me... he didn't. It was horrifying to me. I began to cry more, he asked what was wrong. I started telling him, quietly, about how I feel about the pooping issue that our little girl has, I feel badly, blah blah blah... and he just jumped down my throat yelling at me about my screaming at her... etc... Oh goodness. Then he ended up making a comment that had me getting out of bed and thanking him for comforting me (not). I came back to bed in a few minutes and slammed around a bit, and he got out. I heard him go into the bathroom. I went back out to watch tv.
My husband took a shower... got dressed... and left. Yes, he left the house. I asked him where he was going, he said "ANYWHERE" and just left. It was around 11:00PM. I said that if he was leaving that the kids and I will leave as well.
OMG... I'm in turmoil. I can't believe this. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I blame myself for soooooo many things that have gone on in this house. I had the horrible PPD after our daughter was born, my family suffered. Then I have the PMDD and my family suffers more. I do take the Yaz birth control pill which has literally saved my life, I no longer feel suicidal every month, thank God for that.
I'm to blame for so much. My husband is gone tonight. I am left with two wonderful children. I don't know what to do tomorrow. I really don't. I should be sleeping right now, it's after 1:00AM... but omg, how am I supposed to sleep? I feel physically ill. I have to get my son up at 6:45 and get him off to school. I am going to just sleep and then take him to school a bit late. I plan to talk to the guidance counselor and the principal. I can't tell the kids about tonight... I'm not going to. I just need some guidance and I want to warn the counselor and the principal about what's going on.
I'm so tired. :( Sorry for rambling.
V
Edited 5/21/2007 8:24 am ET by manoangeliukai


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Hi Vida,
Thanks, Lori. I appreciate you. :)
Thanks for reminding me that I haven't gone backwards. At first, I was thinking that, however, the fact that I wasn't resorting to old behaviors was the sign that made me realize that, hey, I'm NOT going backwards, I'm trying to handle this.
I know that the PPD and PMDD aren't my fault. Sometimes I feel really guilty about things, though, and I blame myself for things. NOT a good thing to do, I know.
I am taking Vilija to the pediatrician regarding the BM troubles. I had posted on one of the IV boards about it, and it turns out that it is more than likely something called encopresis. I read about it, and bam, it sounds a lot like Vilija. I feel so badly about it, and I hope that we can find a way to manage it and get her treated right away. I really like the pediatricians, especially the one who is seeing her tomorrow, so I know that we'll be getting some good help.
You asked me about work... I used to be an optometric assistant. However, b/c of the PMDD and chronic Epstein-Barr, I am no longer able to work. I do receive disability b/c of it.
Yesterday I took the kids to my parents' house after Andrius got out of school. I had spoken to the principal in the AM when I took A to school late, he was really understanding. He was aware that we've been having some really tough times and was genuinely concerned. I told the kids that Alan wasn't feeling well... and left it at that.
I was a wreck, but handled things okay. I did cry off and on, and was really exhausted from not sleeping the night before. In the early evening I called Alan from my parents', and we chatted. Things were okay. I told him that Vilija has an appt with the ped tomorrow, he was happy to hear that. We laughed about something (good sign) and when we told each other "I love you" it was very genuine, it held a lot of meaning to the both of us. The kids talked to him, too, btw. After hanging up, I totally broke down. It was highly emotional.
Slept rather well... had to be up early to get Andrius to school, but then went back to bed and slept til 12:22. I couldn't believe it! I sooooo needed it, obviously. My parents were glad that I had gotten some sleep. Needless to say, I was well-rested.
Am home now. The kids are outside playing, and I'm doing pretty well. I can't wait to see Alan tonight. I think that this will be a new beginning for us, we can make a fresh start. Neither of us want a repeat of what just happened. I think it scared him as much as it did me.
Thanks for being here.
Vida
Hey Vida,
Hi Lori...
Sorry it took me a while to update.
Took Vilija to the pediatrician, turns out that she has encopresis. The ped didn't want to start with the x-ray route, he doesn't want her exposed to unnecessary radiation, which really makes me happy. He feels that this can be treated best by the use of suppositories for the first 4 days (we are done with that) and powdered fiber/laxative stuff in her juice every morning for a couple of months. We've been doing okay, had a few minor accidents here and there, but it's not as bad as before.
Alan and I are doing alright, we have been more calm these days, not letting each other get too emotional over things. We still have the stresses, of course, but are handling them better, somehow. Yesterday, though, he said something that he shouldn't have... he's such a freaking MAN, what can I say? LOL. I just walked away and went to bed.
Andrius has 4 more days left of school, woohooooo. He's had a long year, a tough teacher, and is actually burned out... in the second grade. Pretty sad, huh? The teacher really leaves a lot to be desired, I am sure that I mentioned her before. None of the parents are thrilled about her teaching methods.
Pics of the kids...
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y1/andvil/?action=view¤t=STA71353.jpg
http://s158.photobucket.com/albums/t118/AllAboutAndrius/?action=view¤t=STA71355.jpg
http://s184.photobucket.com/albums/x160/AllAboutVilija/?action=view¤t=STA71349.jpg
http://s184.photobucket.com/albums/x160/AllAboutVilija/?action=view¤t=STA71351.jpg
Hope you are doing okay! :)
Vida
Hey Vida,
Thx for sharing the pix, Vida. You have some beautiful blessings there:)
How are you feeling? I have had the financial concerns & they are sooooo stressful. Any relief for Vilija with the new treatment?
I do hope that things are resolving some
Hi Jan, thanks. :)
Hanging in there, I continue to "chug along", as I put it. Somehow we are getting through the rough times, I don't really know HOW, but we are doing it.
Vilija is doing well, much better now, thanks for asking. The suppository route was a difficult one. I have used them on the kids a couple of times here and there, but having to use them on V 4-5 nights in a row is a more traumatic experience for the poor thing than just a once in a blue moon thing. The Miralax powder in her juice every morning has done wonders, I'm thinking that she's pretty much all cleaned out (literally!). I have decided to use it just every other day for a while now, since it's almost giving her diarrhea. I'm going to taper down the usage for the next month.
Today is my son's last day of school, WOOHOOOOOOOOOO. Alan and I are just as thrilled as Andrius is about it, we've been counting down the days and then hours... now minutes. :) LOL. It's been a rough year for him, and it's time to celebrate. I'm taking him out on a "date" tomorrow evening.
Got my hair chopped off last week, I lost SIX inches!
Here is me holding my great nephew Aiden back in December. This pic best shows the length of my hair as it was, obviously it was just a tad bit longer now, but not much.
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y1/andvil/?action=view¤t=STA71149.jpg
Here is me last Saturday, I was getting ready for a night out with some friends.
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y1/andvil/?action=view¤t=STA71357.jpg
Vida
Hey Vida,
How's tricks, Vida? :) I was wondering if the kids are adjusting to their summer routine & if you had a good time on your date? Always here if you need us. (((hugs))) jan
PS Your hairdo looks nice & prompted me to get a professional cut. I have been whacking mine off with the utility shears for some time now. My bad): My neighbor is a retired beautician & since I am still *in* because of my slow healing wound, she came right to the house. Lucky ME!
Hi Jan, Lori...
My "date" with my son was great. :) It was wonderful to spend one-on-one time with him, he so needs it, being that I'm with Vilija so much.
The kids are settled into a summer routine, for sure. That's not hard to do... LOL.
It seems, though, that we are just magnets for bad luck. Our waterbed mattress died (it's about time, actually, it was older than my relationship with Alan!) on my daughter's b-day. Ugh. We've been sleeping on an air mattress for 3 weeks now. Let me just say that I am in dire need of some really good sleep!
Friday my CAR was WRECKED...
Here's the clincher...
IT WAS PARKED.
I didn't sleep much at all that night, just couldn't get comfortable. (The joys of the air mattress.) When Alan's alarm went off at 5:00 I cried to him. I got only about 3 hours of sleep by that point. I finally did catch some shut eye off and on after he was out of bed. At around 8:30 I heard the doorbell. WHAT THE HECK? That BETTER not be the neighborhood kids for Andrius! I sleepily go downstairs to open the door, there are a couple of township workers, apparently they are working at our new park at the end of our street.
"Is that your little white car parked there?" (mind you, it's legally parked. "Yes, it is." "We're so sorry, I hit the car..."
Okay... I told them that I'd go put something else on and a pair of shoes, I'll be right out. I was expecting the back bumper or something, to be a bit dented. I went outside and found a police officer there as well. He looked at me and said "We gotta stop meeting like this!" (He and the one twp guy rescued me last year when I locked myself out of the house in the morning. The guy who hit my car was the same one who smashed my garage door window to open the garage. LOL.)
O... M... G... According to the twp guys, the neighbor at the end of the street was blocking them and they couldn't get through. The guy (neighbor, that is) was rude to them before, so it wasn't a surprise. Anyway... they had to move, and the guys accidently hit my car.
The whole left side of my little white car is messed up. Andriaus back window is GONE. Glass was EVERYWHERE, inside and out. There's a huge scrape and dent along my car.
All I could say was... "Oh My God." I never went ballistic... no point in doing that. I kept calm. Wanted to cry, of course, but hey, nobody was hurt. Andrius was not in that seat when it happened. The guys were surprised with the fact that I wasn't reaming them out. I told them that it was an accident, it's not like they meant to do it. I then hit the one guy in the arm and jokingly yelled "WHAT did you do to my front windshield? Look at that huge crack!" (This was from ages ago, a small stone kicked up while I was driving to speech one day... AGES ago. I can't afford to get it fixed.) The guy said "Oh my God, did I do that?"
I still maintained a sense of humor... somehow.
I'm going to be making township pay for a rental for me. I DO need a car, Vilija has speech therapy and she can't miss it all. Not only that, we have to get out on occasion, for sure. Tomorrow I have to try calling THEIR insurance company again. Nobody called when I left a message on Friday, and the guy was still in the office.
Okay, enough of that stuff...
Jan, how do you like your new do? I'm so touched that I was the one who inspired you to do so. ;) UTILITY SHEARS? Oh man... LOL.
Went to a wedding recently, a cousin of mine got married. Since she was having an adult-only reception we just attended the wedding and then went elsewhere with the kids. I loved dressing up, we rarely get the chance to do so.
Here's a pic of the four of us...
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y1/andvil/?action=view¤t=AlanVidaAndriusVilija.jpg
And here is a pic of Andrius, Vilija and another cousin's daughter. (Vilija is the one on the left.)
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y1/andvil/?action=view¤t=AndriusVilijaAnika.jpg
Gotta run...
Vida
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