A bit of turmoil going on...
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| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:08am |
Hi all... I used to post off and on over here a while ago, and on occasion I come by and post an update...
I am by all means not feeling suicidal, but I'm very much hurting and I need to cry a bit. I hope you don't mind.
My husband and I just celebrated our 16th anniversary on Friday, 5/18. However, "celebrated" isn't really the word. It's more like... survived. Don't get me wrong, we did go out, we had a great time. The kids went with us, we had a late dinner out, and it was really nice. But...
We have two children, a son who just turned 8 and a daughter who will turn 5 in June. After she was born I suffered from a very severe case of PPD, it lasted forever, it seemed. I did go to therapy (for a LONG time) and was on many meds. Then I was dx'd with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), which is essentially PMS times a million. Needless to say, it has been a rough few years, with the PPD and the PMDD... and, oh, my daughter was born with a cleft lip/palate, so that adds a bit more stress into the mix. She's had 7 surgeries so far.
Anyway... we're dealing with some hugely difficult financial troubles, so obviously that puts on even more weight on our shoulders. We live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes not even.
Our daughter is having some issues with her BMs. Yes, it sounds silly, but it's become a huge deal and we are fed up and frustrated. I have to call the pediatrician and talk to someone about it, hopefully they can give me some advice. Anyway... today was really rough, she had a few incidences, and I just lost it. I screamed and cried. I wanted nothing to do with her. It wasn't the best way to go about it, naturally, but I had enough. Later tonight, when the kids were in bed, I cried as my husband watched tv. After 15 or so minutes of me crying in the living room hoping that he would come to me and hold me, I asked him to please come to bed and just comfort me.
Okay, he did... that is, he came to bed with me. But comfort me... he didn't. It was horrifying to me. I began to cry more, he asked what was wrong. I started telling him, quietly, about how I feel about the pooping issue that our little girl has, I feel badly, blah blah blah... and he just jumped down my throat yelling at me about my screaming at her... etc... Oh goodness. Then he ended up making a comment that had me getting out of bed and thanking him for comforting me (not). I came back to bed in a few minutes and slammed around a bit, and he got out. I heard him go into the bathroom. I went back out to watch tv.
My husband took a shower... got dressed... and left. Yes, he left the house. I asked him where he was going, he said "ANYWHERE" and just left. It was around 11:00PM. I said that if he was leaving that the kids and I will leave as well.
OMG... I'm in turmoil. I can't believe this. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I blame myself for soooooo many things that have gone on in this house. I had the horrible PPD after our daughter was born, my family suffered. Then I have the PMDD and my family suffers more. I do take the Yaz birth control pill which has literally saved my life, I no longer feel suicidal every month, thank God for that.
I'm to blame for so much. My husband is gone tonight. I am left with two wonderful children. I don't know what to do tomorrow. I really don't. I should be sleeping right now, it's after 1:00AM... but omg, how am I supposed to sleep? I feel physically ill. I have to get my son up at 6:45 and get him off to school. I am going to just sleep and then take him to school a bit late. I plan to talk to the guidance counselor and the principal. I can't tell the kids about tonight... I'm not going to. I just need some guidance and I want to warn the counselor and the principal about what's going on.
I'm so tired. :( Sorry for rambling.
V
Edited 5/21/2007 8:24 am ET by manoangeliukai


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Hey Vida,
Thx for the update, Vida. The photos were most appreciated. You guys make a lovely family. I have a feeling that Vilija enjoys dressing up.
You know, gf. You are dang lucky they reported themselves for damaging the car. I have been hearing some wicked horror stories or maybe I have been watching too much Judge Judy;) Anyhoo, that sounds like quite a bit of damage for accidentally hitting you. Good grief!
You are way too young to remember Mary Quant, but it is a very similiar cut. I like it cause it *swings.* It's all one length & about
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