So much for doing better.
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So much for doing better.
| Fri, 05-25-2007 - 7:06pm |
I was doing so good. So good, I was happy for the first time in a long time, now I'm crying like a baby again. Yes because of him, who know my story. He kissed me the other day, and then I asked him not to do that again he said ok. But about two hours later he kissed me again today. Then I sent him an email and he said he would be right back he had to do some errands. Well he never came back and I won't see him in 4 days. I basically asked him again to not do that he said he was just playing, as friends. Ya what he was doing is not what friends do together. So I told him if he did it again I would start thinking he wanted more from me, when I knew he did not care for me that way or wanted anything from me. now I feel like I just broke up with him again when I was writing the email to never kiss me again, It felt like it just ended all over again. I have to admit, I was in shock when he did it, but I guess part of me I guess had hope that he wanted me and did not want to use me. But that wasn't it, he said he didn't know why he did it, just did. I thought I was mad, but now I feel like my hopes that my time was not wasted with him got crushed again. I can't believe him we were doing well as just friends. I thought earlier he was mad or irritated with me, but I realized I was getting depressed again, and when I get that way I feel that every one is mad at me, or annoyed or irritated or doesn't want me around. He said he wasn't and that if he was that he would tell me. so I told him why I thought that, but he did not care that I was getting depressed and sad, I even had the thoughts today, cried at work in the RR. But he mad a joke out of it. Some friend. I'm so depressed again. I was doing so good, making good steps for myself as my counsler says. But now I took some back. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this state, or if I get a breath of fresh air Something pulls me back under the water.

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Hey Caitlin,
Might have a trig
You are right about the puzzle piece, I guess in my mind it just seems easier to force him in the missing piece, than find/figure out what it is I really am missing. Because of the time I invested with him, and he still is around, still shows interest in me. I tend to forget all the bad things he has done when I'm around him, It is so hard. He knows/knew I had feelings for him but still tries to be able to use me. I know I probably could report him to HR for sexual harrassment, but that will just keep me tied to him somehow at least for a few months, while the investigation goes on. Then everybody would know about us and I'm not ready for that to happen just yet. He also saw my mother today, she works for the same company sorta different divsion, department in a total different building, but she used to work with the company I'm with until they seperated. She works in HR so alot of people I work with knew her. She does not know about us, and she said hey, you picking on my daughter, I guess he said Of Course. ha if only she knew.
I also felt all night, like I did at the time of the attempt and part of the day. Like all the weird feelings I had were present tonight, even the thoughts. But I did not attempt anything to night. I already felt like I was druged and confused all the time, but I went over and sat with my brother for a few minutes and cleaned out my purse and chatted with him instead. He did not notice anything was wrong nor did I talk about my problems, but it was nice having some company. hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I'm going out of town to help my great-Aunt get around her house, after coming home from the hospital after hip surgery. So it will be sorta relaxing no technology there, no internet, no T.V. channels except static. so It will be quiet and I'll be stuck with my thoughts in my head. I'm not sure If I should be scared or if that is a relief.
Average of 7 times huh. interesting. I'm not sure if this would count as a break up or not, but if that is true, then I've only broken up with him 3 times, and since I've had thoughts of going back, even knowing what he has done, or may be. Thinking everything will be ok if I go back. He makes me happy when I'm with him, and if I'm happy I will not have the thoughts or be depressed anymore. But I guess he is also part not all but had a little influence on my reaching my lowest point.
Hey Caitlin,
My aunt was doing surprisingly well, for an 81yr old woman that just had hip surgery she was getting around really good. walking up and down her alley, getting around her house well. She was pretty normal to me, except she had a walker now that she using. I just laid on her couch, I was pretty mentally, worn out and it made me physically tired as well. My mother clean her house and organized, she is a pack rat and we brought alot of recyclables back with us a car full of junk she saved. And there is more. She found $225 worth of change in her closet that she forgot was there. lol It was interesting and fun. But I laid there mostly yesterday, half asleep, and helped move furniture. not that I did not want to help it is just best to stay out of my mothers way when she gets into something like that. But today I feel a little better. still tired, I have not slept less like the doctors have said since they gave me an antidepressant. I dunno. I hope I can get past him and over him, I wish he wasn't making it so hard on me. This happens every time. I thought I was over him, but now all those feelings have surfaced again. I want them gone for good. They hurt too much, that it is making me physically exhausted and mentally unstable.
But overall the trip was good we visited, I always make her laugh somehow, she likes to argue with me, about stupid things, like to disagree with me for the hay of it. lol she is silly, and she laughs so hard. Its nice to see her, she also hates when I get into cleaning and going thru stuff b/c I'll throw things away she never uses, but my mom will save it if she really doesn't want to get rid of it, I was going thru her shoes, silly woman wanted to keep shoes she was unable to wear anymore. so I make up some guilt story about how the shoe wanted to be worn and was neglected. She finally gave in, she always gives in to me. lol
Anyways, I had a good time even if I was thinking of him the whole time of him. I can't get my him out of my head, and I won't be able to talk to him about this until Wends. is killing me.
Hey Caitlin,
Hi Caitlin,
Hi Caitlin,
I have given serious thoughts about moving out. I've thought about it since January of this year, but at the time I thought I would not be able to for insurance reasons, but turns out I can and the insurance I get thru my mom will not change even if I move out. That was a big reason, b/c I have allergys and with out the meds for that I would be snotty itchy sneezy and everything else 24/7. ewww but now I have been looking for places. closer to my mom so she will not totally freak and I think I'm going to gradually try to make myself move closer to school. I have been saving for a place I have a couple thousand already saved, I had more, but I lent my mother a couple hundred to get her stepgranddaughter glasses, then when I finished my first year of college a month ago I bought some stuff I thought I deserved for myself for having such a hard year but ended up going a little over board. so I need to save a little more. I've found some places I think would be perfect for me and good in price. I do believe it will relieve stress and create a better relationship with my mother and I. She tends to take her frustrations with my brother out on me. she did this about 5 minutes ago. my counsler agrees, but I'm afraid it would cause other stressers about money and stuff. I doubt she would help me with anything because she does not trust me at all from experience with my brother but I have never given her reason to not trust me. Oh and I also need someone to co-sign for me, and She will not and has told me that should would not b/c she has with my brother cosigned for a car for him that resulted in her paying for it. so It is going to be very difficult getting an apartment.
Had a bad day today, bad memories were brought up with mister ex kissing me and we had another big fight and I gave him a big list of things he could not do to me or around me and if he did anything inapropriate I will tell someone and get him in trouble for sexual harassment. Hopefully that will get him to leave me alone. So today was alright I suppose.
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