So much for doing better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
So much for doing better.
17
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 7:06pm
I was doing so good. So good, I was happy for the first time in a long time, now I'm crying like a baby again. Yes because of him, who know my story. He kissed me the other day, and then I asked him not to do that again he said ok. But about two hours later he kissed me again today. Then I sent him an email and he said he would be right back he had to do some errands. Well he never came back and I won't see him in 4 days. I basically asked him again to not do that he said he was just playing, as friends. Ya what he was doing is not what friends do together. So I told him if he did it again I would start thinking he wanted more from me, when I knew he did not care for me that way or wanted anything from me. now I feel like I just broke up with him again when I was writing the email to never kiss me again, It felt like it just ended all over again. I have to admit, I was in shock when he did it, but I guess part of me I guess had hope that he wanted me and did not want to use me. But that wasn't it, he said he didn't know why he did it, just did. I thought I was mad, but now I feel like my hopes that my time was not wasted with him got crushed again. I can't believe him we were doing well as just friends. I thought earlier he was mad or irritated with me, but I realized I was getting depressed again, and when I get that way I feel that every one is mad at me, or annoyed or irritated or doesn't want me around. He said he wasn't and that if he was that he would tell me. so I told him why I thought that, but he did not care that I was getting depressed and sad, I even had the thoughts today, cried at work in the RR. But he mad a joke out of it. Some friend. I'm so depressed again. I was doing so good, making good steps for myself as my counsler says. But now I took some back. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this state, or if I get a breath of fresh air Something pulls me back under the water.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 7:59pm

Hey Caitlin,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:01pm

Might have a trig

You are right about the puzzle piece, I guess in my mind it just seems easier to force him in the missing piece, than find/figure out what it is I really am missing. Because of the time I invested with him, and he still is around, still shows interest in me. I tend to forget all the bad things he has done when I'm around him, It is so hard. He knows/knew I had feelings for him but still tries to be able to use me. I know I probably could report him to HR for sexual harrassment, but that will just keep me tied to him somehow at least for a few months, while the investigation goes on. Then everybody would know about us and I'm not ready for that to happen just yet. He also saw my mother today, she works for the same company sorta different divsion, department in a total different building, but she used to work with the company I'm with until they seperated. She works in HR so alot of people I work with knew her. She does not know about us, and she said hey, you picking on my daughter, I guess he said Of Course. ha if only she knew.

I also felt all night, like I did at the time of the attempt and part of the day. Like all the weird feelings I had were present tonight, even the thoughts. But I did not attempt anything to night. I already felt like I was druged and confused all the time, but I went over and sat with my brother for a few minutes and cleaned out my purse and chatted with him instead. He did not notice anything was wrong nor did I talk about my problems, but it was nice having some company. hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I'm going out of town to help my great-Aunt get around her house, after coming home from the hospital after hip surgery. So it will be sorta relaxing no technology there, no internet, no T.V. channels except static. so It will be quiet and I'll be stuck with my thoughts in my head. I'm not sure If I should be scared or if that is a relief.

Average of 7 times huh. interesting. I'm not sure if this would count as a break up or not, but if that is true, then I've only broken up with him 3 times, and since I've had thoughts of going back, even knowing what he has done, or may be. Thinking everything will be ok if I go back. He makes me happy when I'm with him, and if I'm happy I will not have the thoughts or be depressed anymore. But I guess he is also part not all but had a little influence on my reaching my lowest point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:33am

Hey Caitlin,


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Registered: 03-16-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 10:18pm
Ya I might have had the thoughts but I did not follow thru with them. I have not been able to stop thinking about my ex all weekend, everything reminded me of him, :( I don't want to quit my job, he is the only bad thing about it.I'm thinking about it though.
My aunt was doing surprisingly well, for an 81yr old woman that just had hip surgery she was getting around really good. walking up and down her alley, getting around her house well. She was pretty normal to me, except she had a walker now that she using. I just laid on her couch, I was pretty mentally, worn out and it made me physically tired as well. My mother clean her house and organized, she is a pack rat and we brought alot of recyclables back with us a car full of junk she saved. And there is more. She found $225 worth of change in her closet that she forgot was there. lol It was interesting and fun. But I laid there mostly yesterday, half asleep, and helped move furniture. not that I did not want to help it is just best to stay out of my mothers way when she gets into something like that. But today I feel a little better. still tired, I have not slept less like the doctors have said since they gave me an antidepressant. I dunno. I hope I can get past him and over him, I wish he wasn't making it so hard on me. This happens every time. I thought I was over him, but now all those feelings have surfaced again. I want them gone for good. They hurt too much, that it is making me physically exhausted and mentally unstable.
But overall the trip was good we visited, I always make her laugh somehow, she likes to argue with me, about stupid things, like to disagree with me for the hay of it. lol she is silly, and she laughs so hard. Its nice to see her, she also hates when I get into cleaning and going thru stuff b/c I'll throw things away she never uses, but my mom will save it if she really doesn't want to get rid of it, I was going thru her shoes, silly woman wanted to keep shoes she was unable to wear anymore. so I make up some guilt story about how the shoe wanted to be worn and was neglected. She finally gave in, she always gives in to me. lol
Anyways, I had a good time even if I was thinking of him the whole time of him. I can't get my him out of my head, and I won't be able to talk to him about this until Wends. is killing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:18am

Hey Caitlin,


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Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:21pm
Ya I am trying to make the best of things out of my life. Someone also told me that I can not rely on others to make me happy or create my happiness. I guess I have to do that, make my own happiness. I'm finding more old friends online and we are supposed to hangout this weekend. But we'll see. Today I read the email my ex sent me that made me hit rock bottom a month ago. Wow its been that long. But I reread it and It made me sad for a minute. and I understand what he was saying now. although I knew what he was saying before, It is more clearer and I guess is not as hard to take anymore. hopefully I'll be able to put this all past me soon. I also heard today that my grandma might move to louisana to be with her brother, that she loves it down there. This broke my heart, because she is my rock, I can go to her house, when I'm down or need to get away. She is like my best friend and she is leaving me here, she was the only reason I stayed in this town, and now she is leaving me. This is my brother's and cousin's fault, they ran her away, she could not deal with them anymore the stress and now she left. I'm so sad, I had to hold my tears back when my mom told me. I was in shock, she said she would have moved to colorado a long time ago if it was not for me, that she couldn't leave me alone in this crazy family, but she did and might. I'm so sad and feeling blue. sigh
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:00am

Hi Caitlin,


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Wed, 05-30-2007 - 9:59pm
I'm not doing so well today. I'm heart broken once again by stupid mister ex. He started leading me on and manipulating me only to break my heart again. Getting my hopes up for nothing. Anywho I need to get over him ASAP, he is not my only problem my mother is very hard to live with, and seems to not to want me to get better. I take all these steps that my counsler suggests to help me get better. but she always seems to make it all about her and does not care whether I get better or not. I went out with a friend yesterday, she did not believe me, When I've never given her any reason for her to not trust me. the one she needs to not trust is my brother. She is totally stressing me out more, with everything else going on, because I would not tell her who exactly I was with, She would not even know them anyways, nor would I let her meet them. I'm 19 She does not need to know my every move anymore she trys to make me feel bad and guilty but that guilt trip stoped working for me years ago, b/c I got fed up with her stupid @ss manipulation ploys. Still is trying to manipulate me into telling her, Tonight I went to hang out with my brother, I was trying to talk some sense into her, and him and my cousin(which I despise) were drinking, I did not take a drink, b/c I knew I had to work and If I had I would have keep drinking because I started gettin depressed again, cried the entire way over so much I started hyperventalating and could not breathe. So I get home today and she is all like I thought you did not like ***(my cousin), Which I don't I told her that, she said well why did you hang out with him tonight, uhhh because I went to see ****(brother) and he was there. My brother doesn't even like him, but he is there and cannot kick him out because he is house sitting my grandmothers house and she said he could be there too. I really believe If I moved out things would be alot better because I would not have to come home to the stress every night with her over stupid stuff she picks fights about. I thought school was too stressful for me, but realized after school ended I had more stress because getting in my work was a stress reliver. now I'm going crazy. I litterally had the thoughts today just to be able to get away from my mother, Don't get me wrong I love her, but She is too controling and I can not breathe with her around. I get just above the water to get a little fresh air and she or ex pushes my head back under. I can not get away. I've had thoughts about moving down to Lousiana with my grandma but my school that I love is here I would go in a heart beat. But I've wanted this school for years and I do not want to quit now, It is a tought school I want to be one to make it thru all four years, even if it takes more than 4yrs...
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:54pm

Hi Caitlin,


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Fri, 06-01-2007 - 6:36pm
It is hard for me not to drown my problems in alcohol, Even if I have rarely drank the stuff there are times I feel addicted to it and it calls me from afar, like I will crave to just drink anything, but apparently alcholism runs in my family so I try to stay away from it alot.
I have given serious thoughts about moving out. I've thought about it since January of this year, but at the time I thought I would not be able to for insurance reasons, but turns out I can and the insurance I get thru my mom will not change even if I move out. That was a big reason, b/c I have allergys and with out the meds for that I would be snotty itchy sneezy and everything else 24/7. ewww but now I have been looking for places. closer to my mom so she will not totally freak and I think I'm going to gradually try to make myself move closer to school. I have been saving for a place I have a couple thousand already saved, I had more, but I lent my mother a couple hundred to get her stepgranddaughter glasses, then when I finished my first year of college a month ago I bought some stuff I thought I deserved for myself for having such a hard year but ended up going a little over board. so I need to save a little more. I've found some places I think would be perfect for me and good in price. I do believe it will relieve stress and create a better relationship with my mother and I. She tends to take her frustrations with my brother out on me. she did this about 5 minutes ago. my counsler agrees, but I'm afraid it would cause other stressers about money and stuff. I doubt she would help me with anything because she does not trust me at all from experience with my brother but I have never given her reason to not trust me. Oh and I also need someone to co-sign for me, and She will not and has told me that should would not b/c she has with my brother cosigned for a car for him that resulted in her paying for it. so It is going to be very difficult getting an apartment.
Had a bad day today, bad memories were brought up with mister ex kissing me and we had another big fight and I gave him a big list of things he could not do to me or around me and if he did anything inapropriate I will tell someone and get him in trouble for sexual harassment. Hopefully that will get him to leave me alone. So today was alright I suppose.

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