So much for doing better.
Find a Conversation
So much for doing better.
| Fri, 05-25-2007 - 7:06pm |
I was doing so good. So good, I was happy for the first time in a long time, now I'm crying like a baby again. Yes because of him, who know my story. He kissed me the other day, and then I asked him not to do that again he said ok. But about two hours later he kissed me again today. Then I sent him an email and he said he would be right back he had to do some errands. Well he never came back and I won't see him in 4 days. I basically asked him again to not do that he said he was just playing, as friends. Ya what he was doing is not what friends do together. So I told him if he did it again I would start thinking he wanted more from me, when I knew he did not care for me that way or wanted anything from me. now I feel like I just broke up with him again when I was writing the email to never kiss me again, It felt like it just ended all over again. I have to admit, I was in shock when he did it, but I guess part of me I guess had hope that he wanted me and did not want to use me. But that wasn't it, he said he didn't know why he did it, just did. I thought I was mad, but now I feel like my hopes that my time was not wasted with him got crushed again. I can't believe him we were doing well as just friends. I thought earlier he was mad or irritated with me, but I realized I was getting depressed again, and when I get that way I feel that every one is mad at me, or annoyed or irritated or doesn't want me around. He said he wasn't and that if he was that he would tell me. so I told him why I thought that, but he did not care that I was getting depressed and sad, I even had the thoughts today, cried at work in the RR. But he mad a joke out of it. Some friend. I'm so depressed again. I was doing so good, making good steps for myself as my counsler says. But now I took some back. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this state, or if I get a breath of fresh air Something pulls me back under the water.

Pages
Hey Caitlin,
Hi, Caitlan! How are things going? I was sorry to hear that your ex was harrassing you @ work. That must make life pretty difficult):
I have forgotten if you said or not, but will you be out of school for the summer? Keep in touch. I hope you have a good one:) (((hugs))) jan
Caitlin
Hey Cait,
Hmm... A *man moment.* I'm with you. What the heck is that??? Men seem to think women are mysterious. This man strikes me as a real puzzle;)
I am glad you continue to work towards your goal of a better living arrangement. GL! As for your mom, I don't live @ your house & I certainly don't know all the ins & outs of your relationship with her. I do know from my own experience, Caitlan, that we always need our moms. They are not perfect ppl. They are very scared to watch their dds grow up. It is the hardest thing in the world to see
I know I need my mom, I love her, but there are just times she acts so weird to me. She is not willing to change her ways and expects me to change to the way she wants me to be, she just wants me to be like her exactly. I know she is justtrying to protect me or whatever but she just doesn't get it sometimes. I don't know I'm trying to work on it so we have a better relationship. It is getting better, I'm spending more time away from home, getting somewhat of a life without her there 24/7. I do spend time with her but not like it has been. I also think she relys on me to be her friend at times to go places with her she wants someone to go shopping or whatever with but as a friend not a daughter then she treats me like child if I say something wrong. I know parents are not supposed to be our friends but it seems like that is what she wants at times but at the same time does not want. Weird. I don't know. Oh and this man is definately a puzzler. lol but I'm getting over him, for myself and sanity, I need him out of my personal life. I'm fine with him being around at work but when he crosses that line, he sends me in a tail spin. I don't think I can take being used again by any man. I started not trusting any others and think they do only want one thing and one thing only, but there are nice guys out in the world and IF i meet one It takes a while to trust them. I dont know I'm weird I guesss.
I'm sorry to hear about the insision opening up, that had to be painful coughing with it stitched up or if you tried holding the coughs back. ect. But glad you are doing better just a little set back. Those seem to happen alot, when someone thinks they are getting better or do get better something pushes them back. I've learned that life is an obstical course somehow, just not a smooth run throw, there will always be something. sigh, darn I thought life was easy. lol just a little sarcasim. Hope the incision gets better soon.
Pages