New: Can't do anymore
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New: Can't do anymore
| Sun, 05-27-2007 - 5:53am |
I don't usually come here but sometimes I lurk.
I was a really awful little kid. My sister married my BIL when I was 8. I know that what happened was wrong but I kept going back for more. Over and over, for years I went back for more. I knew it was wrong then, I even hated it but I kept going back. I never told him that I hated it. No one cared because he was everyone's hero. He's still the hero. I hate him with everything I have in me. It's not right to hate someone so much. There was only one way out but I didn't take it. I should have.
It never goes away. I see a therapist and he's very good but it never, ever goes away. It keeps pulling me under deeper every day. It is so dark and so heavy. Dh and my kids shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. DH is so patient with me but it's not fair to him anymore. It's too dark and too heavy, it's been there too long. It's not ever going to get any better. I just don't want to do anymore. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep without nightmares. I want to sleep and I don't want to ever wake up. I have a medical degree so I know how much it takes. Not sure why I"m posting here. It doesn't really matter anyway.
I was a really awful little kid. My sister married my BIL when I was 8. I know that what happened was wrong but I kept going back for more. Over and over, for years I went back for more. I knew it was wrong then, I even hated it but I kept going back. I never told him that I hated it. No one cared because he was everyone's hero. He's still the hero. I hate him with everything I have in me. It's not right to hate someone so much. There was only one way out but I didn't take it. I should have.
It never goes away. I see a therapist and he's very good but it never, ever goes away. It keeps pulling me under deeper every day. It is so dark and so heavy. Dh and my kids shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. DH is so patient with me but it's not fair to him anymore. It's too dark and too heavy, it's been there too long. It's not ever going to get any better. I just don't want to do anymore. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep without nightmares. I want to sleep and I don't want to ever wake up. I have a medical degree so I know how much it takes. Not sure why I"m posting here. It doesn't really matter anyway.

Hi Lucky6th and welcome to the board. I'm glad you decided to post instead of "lurk" because I can see that you are hurting terribly. Enough so that you are considering ending your life. And so if I can do nothing but stand here and bear witness to your pain, tell you that I have suffered similar things (IF I am reading between the lines correctly--and I think I am because my intuition is pretty good on these issues!) and tell you that it CAN AND WILL get better, then I am more than willing to offer you that shoulder of support!
Hello.
I know exactly what you mean, and how you feel. The same thing happened with me, when I was 7...it was my cousin, and he was my baby-sitter.
I will also tell you that while it never goes away, you can achieve peace in your own life. I wish I could tell you HOW to do that, or when it would/will happen. I can't. Only you are in control of that...and YOU ARE IN CONTROL. From now until forever, YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
You hear all the buzz words in therapy, but that never helps when you are in that dark place. I know.
I still have many times when my mind goes back to THAT DAY, but I usually "watch it in my head" and then say a really bad word, and try to move forward. It doesn't always work.
I'm not in any way trying to tell you its easy...its so not.
But continue to reach out...get ANGRY and take your control back. You'll find your own way in time.
I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Keli
Hi! I'm jan the co-cl & was reading back posts when I saw yours.
Having been sexually abused as a child, I know the guilt is far reaching. Through my therapy, I have learned that I was never responsible for what happened to me. That is the very same for you. If you think today, that the abuse continued longer than it should of because you allowed it or that you should have been stronger in someway to prevent it, that is NOT true! You were vulnerable. You were
Lori,
I'm sorry I've been so long in reponding to you. I appreciate your care and compassion for the situation I was in. To say the least, I was in a very bad place when I posted here. I have never gotten to this point of depression before and don't care to ever again. I really would rather not give details of what happened A) because I just don't want to talk about it and B) because I don't want to post anything that might be triggering for anyone else on this board. I'll simply say that it was really ugly and awful. DH was wonderful, as always and it's hard not to feel ashamed for putting him through all of that. I spent several days with constant supervision and had some major med changes. I've had a great deal of therapy and I'm in a much better place now and am trying not to be really hard on myself for what took place.
Your guess was pretty accurate. I was abused by my sister's husband (sister is 13 years older than I am) from the age of 8 until I was 14. I was left with sis and BIL often and they were often there when no one else was. Mom had cancer when all of this began and then mom and dad did a lot of traveling leaving me behind with my sister. At one point I tried to tell my mother but she put the responsibility on me and became very angry with me. I came from a "Perfect" family and of course we couldn't let a dirty little secret like this out of the bag. So the abuse continued and no one has ever been able to figure out why I'm not quite as perfect as the rest of the family.
I have 6 beautiful children 3 girls and 3 boys, ranging in age from 14 years to 4 months. My two youngest are adopted and both are special needs. My 6 year old son has Cerebal Palsy, Mental Retardation and is Deaf. My 4 month old daughter has Down Syndrome and had open heart surgery about 6 weeks ago. DH and my kids are my life, my joy, my everything and it hurts so bad to think how close I came to leaving wounds that they would likely have spent a lifetime trying to overcome.
I work with a wonderful psychologist who has been monumental in my attempts to overcome the past abuse. I have a long way to go but I know that I have already come a long way and I'll keep working until the healing is complete.
I have learned that life is a journey, there are ups and there are downs, hills and valleys. All of our experiences, whether good or bad, help to mold us into better human beings. There is something valuable to be learned from everything we encounter on this journey. What I went through a few weeks ago was just plain awful, but perhaps someday I can help someone else through what I have learned from this.
Thanks again for your help and you caring.
Lucky
LUCKY
Heyyy Lucky,