SIGH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
SIGH!!!
13
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:48pm
The thoughts came back again today and I almost went thru with it. But I saw pictures of my nephews on my table and started looking at them and realized I wanted to see them grow up. yesterday I felt down in the dumps not sure why, just did not feel like doing anything just lay around then today, found out Mr.X is dating for real. He wasn't ready to date when he was with me but now he is and it hurt me all over again. Like I'm not good enough for him and pretty much reasured him using me, I had doubts but now I know. So now I've cried all day long b/c I could not make him happy and he only wants sex from me. so may have swollen red eyes, terrible headache and totally exhausted from crying but I guess I'm still around. Feel like I only have my nephews to live for. I'm so sad and it hurts alot to be rejected by someone I thought I loved and apparently am not over yet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: livenlearn06
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:56pm

Hey Caitlin,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:00am

First ((HUGS))


I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:44pm
Ya I guess I wasn't ready to let go of him, I thought I had, but since yesterday I know I had not. I told him today I did not want to talk to him ever again not be friends there was no point so he said he would not say anything to me unless I say something to him first. So ya its been going alright, I still down in the dumps. I'm thinking about finding another job, But I love my job. I love everything about it except him being there, I'd hate to leave just because of him. I am going to talk about it with my Therapist but she won't understand why I am so upset or got down because of him, maybe she will last week she said I was doing well every week I slowly was progressing and that is what I should be doing but I now feel like I took 20 steps backwards. I don't know I guess all I want to do is forget about the past, and start over how he wanted to do. But I didn't don't think I can forget the past so quickly. I don't know why but I felt like I just needed the biggest hug ever today, even one from him. All I wanted to do was to lay on a bathroom floor, like Izzie did from Grey's Anatomy when she lost her Fiance. I just want to lay some where anywhere and lay there and nobody touch me. I'm so disgusted with myself to get this way or to feel that way about some user some guy that does not think I'm worth much. I don't know what to do. I'm just ready to pack up leave this awfull state and life and start over new somewhere else even if I'm living on the street somewhere or eating out of the trash, Right now any other life sounds better than mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:00pm
Thanks for the reply, I definately do not think I had a proper mourning period, most days away from him would be 3days. I thought I was but know I was not obviously I think it just hurts that I was not good enough for him and the he doesn't want me in his life to try to make him happy. But I need to get over him ASAP. I definately could use a 6pack right now. lol or a bottle of Vodka sounds good too. I try to stay away from the alcohol b/c I have an addictive personality but have definatly been craving it, I've had chances but always had to work the next day. And I am becoming more active within my life getting back into hobbies I usedto do, Started taking pottery again but it hurts my back guess the pain is worth it, and joined kickball but X is on the team also. meeting new people hanging out with friends. I have even been talking to this new guy, but I told him in the begining I might/still in Love with my X so just friends for right now b/c it wouldn't be fair to him but I think he has forgotten and wants more. I guess I'm doing to him that my X is doing to me. Anyways. Thanks for the hugs and I'll try my hardest to have big shoulders my therapy appt is tomorrow so hopefully I will get better somewhat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: livenlearn06
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:39pm

Hey Caitlin,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:29am

How was your appointment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: livenlearn06
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:53am

(((Caitlan))) I am sorry to hear that you are still plagued by the thoughts. However, you have done very well for a longer spell. That is clearly a sign of progress. It does take time. Having to face him & some of his actions must make it very difficult to move on.


I know that the board will support you in whatever route you choose. IMHO finding a new job would help you greatly. I don't know how you've managed as well as you have or for as long as you have. Now that he is dating someone else, it's only natural that your wound has been re-opened. Not having to see him & what he is up to would give you the distance to get better healing to that wound.


I am glad you have your nephews to keep you from acting on the thoughts. I hope you can reinforce what we see from your posts. You are a good person. You are a sensitive young woman. You are juggling school/work & are a productive member of society. You are a bright, savvy lady. You have lots of potential. In spite of problems, you have persevered & working hard @ regaining your wellness. Remind yourself of all the accomplishments you have made in life. You MATTER! Keep in touch. We care & want you to see the worth in yourself:) (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:40pm
It is painful to bearound him, but It is getting alot better, I believe I took him dating other women so hard because I had already started feeling bad the day before. Then that happened and I just felt my entire world fall apart. I don't know why I reacted to it so badly, I mean I shouldn't care right, he is Mr.X for a reason. I don't want him in my life and the relationship we had was a terrible one and not healthy. But I tend to forget about all the bad times and just remember the good, and how when I was with him It made me feel good and happy for once. But when he left I forgot how that made me fell 200%worse. So it is good that he is out of my life and no longer going to bother me. That is a good thing. I'm doing alot better. I mean like you have said probably a million times to me, I can not rely on someone else for my happiness only I can make myself happy. No body else. I guess being tired and not feeling well and getting down in the dumps I forget/forgot about everything. I did however remember about my safety list thing they made me do in the hospital, in case I started feeling sucidial again or had thoughts again. I did not recieve a copy of what I wrote down to make me feel better. But I remember some things. I'm going to try to look for a new job. I did also took everything I ever gave him and thru it all away, It helped to know that It was all gone, there was nothing left except the memories. It is weekend my nephews are coming and I might hangout with my new friend, and spend time with my father. So hopefully all that will keep me busy enough to not think of anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:11pm

Hi Darla,

Thanks for repling. Nice to meet you. I tried yoga once but I think I signed up for the wrong class and I could not do much of what they were doing and so I did not go back. lol OMG I know what you mean about pets/animals. When I was 12, My first sucide thoughts came to me at least the first I can remember, but I remember I was seriously thinking about doing something and crying and my dog max came up onto my bed which he never did and laided now next to me and made me feel alot better and laid there until I felt better. I believe he knew something was wrong with me and I was upset and feeling down. My appointment went well, I told her about what happened monday but I started getting some realization and logic back by the session. I realized I was not being rational or realistic, and she helped me realize I should be happy he is going out with other women, so that means he will leave me alone. I should be happy about that. but there is part of me that is crushed and apparently hoping he would want to be with me. But that is not going to happen since I sorta overreacted to everything the other day and I deep down I know it would not work out between us.

Anyways, I'm Caitlin, I am 18 will be 19 in 2weeks. I am fron Ohio. I have 1brother(5 yrs older. he has two boys and one stepdaughter. My nephews are the highlight of my life right now but I would never admit that to anybody. lol I go to an art school and I am into alot of art stuff. I'm am trying to get into volunteer work to consume my time and trying to get into sports to get outdoors more and not be inside all the time. I recently got out of an 8month relationship type thing with an older man... which had something to do with my hitting rock bottom a few months ago. But I've felt like I had depression since about age 11/12 and slowly progress to now. I also have two dogs, My peachy Girl, her name is Peaches really and she is a beagle, she lives with my dad. and I have lady that lives with my mom she is a mutt, not sure what she is but has some terrior. Peaches is 100% my dog and my favorite ya I shouldn't do that but she is 10 and my baby girl, grouchy dog but my girl. Lady was my sister-in-law's dog and opposite of my other dog loves attention and clingy and only about 5-6. So ya, It was nice meeting you. How did your theraphy seesion go, or maybe I should just check your post/thread thing. lol

Caitlin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: livenlearn06
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 7:27am

Howdy Caitlin!


I about laughed when you said that Peaches is your baby but she is grouchy.

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