New-immobilized by my sister's suicide
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New-immobilized by my sister's suicide
| Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:52am |
Hello anyone. I am just searching for answers right now. On Sunday morning May 27th, my mother called me to tell me that my sister was missing. She had left her home, her husband thought, to go to work Saturday morning at 6am. It was later in the morning he discovered that his pain pills were missing and that she hadn't taken her name badge with her. He called work and she hadn't showed, then he called my mom to see if she was there. When it became apparant that she might have intended to do harm to herself he called the police. She drove out of state, to a po-dunk hotel/motel, checked in and told them if anyone called to not give any information that she was there. She payed with cash. Checked in Saturday late morning I am guessing. I don't know. Her body was discovered early afternoon on Memorial day May 28th. I don't know if she took the pills as soon as she got there or what. The coroner gave her time of death as Monday 12:30am.I have been debating whether or not to call him, just cause there are questions I have, answers I need to know. We all tried to call her but her cell phone went straight to her voice mail. I don't know if she sat there all weekend, by herself, looking at the numbers on the cell phone and not picking it up or what. This is such a mystery and I am blown away by it. My sister was a health care administer at a hospital, in charge of alot of people, She was the one who always had it together, the one I always thought was the stable one in the family, the one who could be counted on. She had been on antidepressant drugs for a long time. I don't know what exactly, we lived in seperate states. She wrote one note to her husband and didn't really explain anything, just said she didn't have the guts to see it through. I could tell by the way it was written that she had already taken the pills. She just said to "tell my mom and my sister that I love them and my friends, what few I have left. Love my animals"
Everyone that knew my sister loved and adored her. I don't know why she thought she didn't have any friends. It is all just so not like her. Can anyone help me understand the suicidal thinker? How in the world could someone get to that point? Especially someone like my sister. I am not giving names deliberatly, but if you knew her, you would totally understand my confusion and hurt. I have just been kind of frozen in time.The thought of her being in that much pain and me not knowing, her not reaching out, does anyone know about this kind of pain? CAn someone help me understand? My heart is broken.
Everyone that knew my sister loved and adored her. I don't know why she thought she didn't have any friends. It is all just so not like her. Can anyone help me understand the suicidal thinker? How in the world could someone get to that point? Especially someone like my sister. I am not giving names deliberatly, but if you knew her, you would totally understand my confusion and hurt. I have just been kind of frozen in time.The thought of her being in that much pain and me not knowing, her not reaching out, does anyone know about this kind of pain? CAn someone help me understand? My heart is broken.

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I am so very sorry to hear about the death of your ds. Please accept my sincerest sympathy.
Suicide is a particularly hard way to lose a loved one. Many times those left behind will never have the answers they need to move forward. Survivors are left holding the bag so to speak. They must
Hi Tater,
Lori,
Thank you soooo much for your response, it helped me to understand a little better. I just got off the phone with my sister's boss. My sister really liked her and even said in church one time when she was visiting that she was so thankful for a Christian boss. Her boss told me that she cried all the time in the last 2 weeks or so of her life. She was very stressed about finances. Her husband didn't work and has to take alot of medications for diabetes, etc, blood pressure. She told her boss how expensive it was just to get his meds and we think that she stopped taking her anti-depressant medicine to save money. From what I can understand it is very dangerous to abruptly stop that. She's been taking anti-depressants for years. Anyway, she had told me about two weeks before her death that she had prayed about it all morning, then sat down and told her husband that he had 4 weeks to get a job or she would leave him. She told me she would not get a divorce, she took her vows very seriously, she had been married once before, as had he. But she said she would have to stick by her word. Her boss told me that she was like, "what am I gonna do? where will I live?" They apparantly had to pay income taxes this year also. I am just venting and I really appreciate your input. Thank you so much, and thank you for the prayers, we need alot of them. Barb
Dear Barb,
I too have suffered from depression for many many years been in and out of hospital due to my many attempts and just by the grace of God I was found this last attempt, but I know with me when I get that low and that depressed it is like the depression takes over and it feels like I am a total loser who is just wasting air and time and have no one the depression makes things 100 times worse then they really are and you cant see a way out of it, it make you feel like you are in this never ending black tunnel and once in a while you get a break and you see the light at the end of this tunnel but it always comes back. I too have stopped taking my antidepressants all of a sudden and yea it does make the depression and the suicidal thoughts worse. But like Lori said there was nothing any one could have really done she didnt let any one know what was going on which is typical of the depression. I hope I have helped in a small way just know that she did love you and her family and that she may have thought this was the only way to spare you, ( like Lori said that is the selfishness of the depression)
Hey Lori,
I appreciate your help, sorry I have taken so long to respond. This Saturday my husband and I drove out of town to my sister's memorial service.. Her funeral was June 1st close to where I live, her husband wanted her buried next to my dad. (they didn't have anything/ plots etc. bought where they lived). So this past weekend her husband had a memorial service at his church for her friends.
I called the coroner last Friday. WHat a nice man. Truly, very sympathetic. He said he would get me the autopsy reports as soon as they came in. He said she did have anti depressant medicine in her purse but without looking at the file he couldn't tell me when it was filled or how many she had taken. When talking to my mother she said that my sister had just had her antidepressant medicine changed before she came down to visit last. That coincides around the time her boss said she started acting so depressed and crying all the time.
I am feeling quite unstable my self. my feelings run from a sense of total loss, to anger, guilt, and blame... over and over again. Will this get any better? Please tell me it well. I need some encouragement.
Thanks,
Barb
Barb,
My heart aches for your situation. As I read your posts I can feel your hurt and your desperation to find answers. I wish that I could be there to give you a hug and hope that there is someone who is able to do that for you.
A few weeks ago I came very close to doing exactly what your sister did. **possible triggers*** I knew what I was going to do, where I would do it, how I would do it, when I would do it. It is only by God's grace that I am here to write this today. By appearances, everything seems perfect in my life. I have a wonerful husband and family, a great career, a beautiful new home. I'm active in my church, my kid's school, my community. However, I suddenly felt like I was in a downward spiral. I felt like failure, my life felt messy, I felt no sense of worth, and I just wanted out. There seemed to be an invisible force that was pulling me deeper into a dark pit of hopelessness. The same words kept pounding through my head "I have to get out." Get out of what??? Well, right now, I honestly don't know. I only know that I had to get out. Get out of the darkness maybe? escape the lonely feeling of hopelessness maybe? Escape the memories of a painful past?? I don't know!!! SO you see, my mind was jumbled, I couldn't have explained it then any better than I can now. There really was no reasoning behind my thinking. I simply wasn't thinking clearly.
One thing I do know is that it was NOT about any of the people I love. I never felt as if they didn't love me enough. ON the contrary!!! I felt as if they deserved much better than I could give them. I truly believed that without me they would be much better off. This thinking was absurd. I have 6 children, 2 of them are severely handicapped. There is no one else on the face of this earth who would really know how to care for them. ANd yet, my vision was tunneled. All that I could see was that I was sinking deeper and deeper and I needed out. I guess one could say that my thinking was entirely selfish but I know from the depths of my soul that your sister was not being selfish. Her mind became lost in the whirl of depression and she didn't reach out for help soon enough.
Please allow yourself to do what you need to do. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. I know from my own experiences in life that many great problems stem from not allowing ourselves to feel what we have a right to feel. Our society is not very tolerant of expression of emotion but you have a right to be angry, hurt, sad or whatever you happen to feel at any given moment.
I would encourage you to seek out a professional who can help you sort through all of your emotions. All of what you are feeling is completely natural but it's important to give voice to what you feel. Allow yourself to sit quietly and just feel that sense of loss. Note what it feels like in your body, write about it if you can. Go ahead and be angry and while you're at it, notice how the anger feels different than the sense of loss. A good therapist can help you process the myriad of emotion that you are naturally feeling.
Be kind to yourself. Keep writing, keep owning the feelings, lest the feelings own you.
I'm sending warm hugs your way.
Lucky
LUCKY
Hey Barb,
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