New-immobilized by my sister's suicide
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New-immobilized by my sister's suicide
| Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:52am |
Hello anyone. I am just searching for answers right now. On Sunday morning May 27th, my mother called me to tell me that my sister was missing. She had left her home, her husband thought, to go to work Saturday morning at 6am. It was later in the morning he discovered that his pain pills were missing and that she hadn't taken her name badge with her. He called work and she hadn't showed, then he called my mom to see if she was there. When it became apparant that she might have intended to do harm to herself he called the police. She drove out of state, to a po-dunk hotel/motel, checked in and told them if anyone called to not give any information that she was there. She payed with cash. Checked in Saturday late morning I am guessing. I don't know. Her body was discovered early afternoon on Memorial day May 28th. I don't know if she took the pills as soon as she got there or what. The coroner gave her time of death as Monday 12:30am.I have been debating whether or not to call him, just cause there are questions I have, answers I need to know. We all tried to call her but her cell phone went straight to her voice mail. I don't know if she sat there all weekend, by herself, looking at the numbers on the cell phone and not picking it up or what. This is such a mystery and I am blown away by it. My sister was a health care administer at a hospital, in charge of alot of people, She was the one who always had it together, the one I always thought was the stable one in the family, the one who could be counted on. She had been on antidepressant drugs for a long time. I don't know what exactly, we lived in seperate states. She wrote one note to her husband and didn't really explain anything, just said she didn't have the guts to see it through. I could tell by the way it was written that she had already taken the pills. She just said to "tell my mom and my sister that I love them and my friends, what few I have left. Love my animals"
Everyone that knew my sister loved and adored her. I don't know why she thought she didn't have any friends. It is all just so not like her. Can anyone help me understand the suicidal thinker? How in the world could someone get to that point? Especially someone like my sister. I am not giving names deliberatly, but if you knew her, you would totally understand my confusion and hurt. I have just been kind of frozen in time.The thought of her being in that much pain and me not knowing, her not reaching out, does anyone know about this kind of pain? CAn someone help me understand? My heart is broken.
Everyone that knew my sister loved and adored her. I don't know why she thought she didn't have any friends. It is all just so not like her. Can anyone help me understand the suicidal thinker? How in the world could someone get to that point? Especially someone like my sister. I am not giving names deliberatly, but if you knew her, you would totally understand my confusion and hurt. I have just been kind of frozen in time.The thought of her being in that much pain and me not knowing, her not reaching out, does anyone know about this kind of pain? CAn someone help me understand? My heart is broken.

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(((Barb))) This WILL get better. But like Lori said, your emotions will be all over the place. It doesn't make much sense, but everyone does go through those stages of grief that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has identified. You might think about reading some of her books to see where you stand. Also, there are generally grief support groups that anyone can attend through the local hospital, mental health center, visiting nurses, hospice program or even a house of worship.
My ds died from ca @ the age of 36 leaving 3 small children. It was a struggle for everyone. Death always is & in your case, making sense of this is even more intense. My mom attended a support group held by a social worker through hospice. She got alot of help from listening to others. There was a young woman there who lost her fiance' 7 years before. I tell you this because there is NO timeline that is normal for us left behind. We do it in our own time & our own way. Do not allow others to tell you differently. My ds passed in '94 & there are days it feels like it was just yesterday. Love yourself. Embrace your memories of your ds. We care. jan
I can only say thank you for sharing your very personal story in support of Barb. We are *lucky* to have you. No pun intended.
I can relate to the feelings of being *undeserving.* I still struggle with that. Some days more than others.
Keep in touch. It's very valuable to have someone like you on our board to inspire us. I will keep you in my T&P's. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi Lori,
You and the others that have responded to my postings bring me so much hope and help. I have started to keep a journal (write my sister letters) I had a bad day yesterday and didn't do anything. I did cook a big dinner, but other than that I just layed on the couch with my TENS unit hooked to my neck. I didn't even go to church. I'm not mad at God, not mad at my sister either, just mad. But I know there are prayers out there for me! I just needed to rest yesterday,and I did. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and good, for the first time in a month. I had a great day at work, my coworkers kept me laughing all day, and I have a wonderful supportive husband at home.
I dreamt that I asked my sister why she didn't write me or my mom, just her husband. She said she had planned on it but just got so sleepy she just wanted to close her eyes. I wonder if when she realized what she had done and that she was going to die if she tried to call someone or something and just didn't have the energy. I wonder all kinds of things. At the funeral home she looked so sad, like she could just start bawling any minute. That was the worst thing, she had a frown on her face.
Her husband is supposed to be coming at the end of the week to my mom's to bring some of Kathy's things, jewelry etc. I don't really care about that, I want things that were more personal to her. I have her bible, it was a 12 step recovery bible. When I look at things that she has highlighted in there, I wonder why she stopped believing that there was help in God's hands? I find it hard to hear or read words of encouragement because I wonder why she couldn't feel that. I don't know. I even find it hard to pray. But I know the Holy Spirit interprets my "groanings" and God hears me.
Thanks Lori, you and the others here are really, really helping me.
love,
Barb
Hey Barb,
I love the journal in letter form idea. Just wanted to add that in the archeological finds in Egypt, they have discovered letters written to the person who passed by their families & friends. One really touched me as it was a young wife, asking her husband to help her in caring for the household finances that she had no experience with. A very practical matter. But very personal reading
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