Miserable life & Ramblings.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:58pm |
Trigs possible
I am really starting to hate my life. I am doing become more out going, joing my work kickball team(which the game was cancelled due to bad weather, people act like they never seen rain before) I signed up for pottery again, Going to do this walk for charity coming up, The American Heart walk, which I'm doing well at raising money, Signed up 3days ago and already doubled what I raised last year. People seem to like me, but I still can't help to hate my life. I mean, I'm just a loner, when it comes down to it, nobody really wants to spend time with me, I guess I can understand I mean I am boring I guess to some extent. But my kickball game was cancelled tonight which I was looking forward to. because my therapist says I need to do things outside of the house, be gone, get away, so I had something planned to get away, and here I sit alone bored to death typing my miseries on a computer. sigh. I do things that the T says I need to work on and it comes back to bite me in the arse. Says I needto be more assertive, so I am I'm not letting my brother use me for an ATM anymore, now he calls consentally, leaving messages, yelling at me ANSWER THE PHONE, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, QUIT CRYING ABOUT YOUR MONEY, ITS JUST MONEY, blah blah blah. Now he is into manipulation, saying he is hungry and starving that he can't get a job when he is hungry and hasn't eaten in 2days. Says he has no family, and nobody cares, he said something/hinting around suicide and nobody would care. My cousin uses that manipulation tatic on my Aunt all the time and it works why b/c we lost a cousin 7 yrs ago to suicide. soo my brother thinks he can get his way with it. I don't understand why he thinks his younger sister should take care of him, that I work hard everyday to give him money, support him so he can sit around all day doing nothing. yes it is only money but I'm getting to the point I'm not willing to help him if he is not willing to help himself. I mean he is family and I am/was his last resort, but for the past 5-6 years, anymoney I've ever had he thought he was entitled to it, I never really enjoyed much of it, If I didn't give it, he would take it. Now I'm out almost $2,000 and that is alot to a 19 yr college student. Anyways, I was just venting that last part. But really I don't know what else to do, how to change my life make it better. I met this guy and we have been hanging out for a few weeks, so I text him today seeing if he wanted to hang out tonight but he blew me off. and I got home and there was an email from him saying he couldn't give me the attention I deserved right now or something? So the only friend I've had in a long time just cut me off, and I don't know what I did, I mean we were supposed to be friends. So I'm not sure what to do, as of now I haven't had the thoughts tonight, just depression feelings and I just want to go to sleep, go to sleep and wake up a new person, a person that has somthing to offer this world. I've also been very dizzy today, almost passing outa few times, and I get it everynow and then just sitting here. I don't know what to do anymore, I try and try to change my life and make it better but it seems too hard, like I should just go back to the way I was before. I don't even remember what that was like.
I also had a dream the other day about this lady my dad was going to marry when I was 5. She was mean to me at least, I think I remember thinking I might have been abused in my earlier life but could not remember, but If I had It probably would have been from her. Everytime I think about her my heart races, I'm sure if it was physical or just being neglected. I remember she always yelling at me, she had a son my age, and everything was my fault, even if I did nothing wrong and I remember my dad always taking her side and yelling at me. and he had/has a scary voice when he yells, I still tear up when I hear him yell, and want to run away. Just thinking about it is making me tear up. I guess now I think how could someone treat a little kid that way, over misunderstandings, I mean when I see a 5yr today I don't think they would do anything worth that kid of yelling and punishment. I remember having tosit on the stairs all day at christmas, when my dad got her a puppy I wasn't allowed to pet it, hold it or play with it. I'm not sure, why she was so mean to me but she was and I hate when my dad talks about her. One night I was watching Dr.Quin Medicine woman. lol b/c my mom watched it(that was my reason) she snatched my arm and dragged me to my room and said I was not allowed to watch that b/c she liked it and she didn't care. I guess one of my problems is that my dad never did anything to stop her from doing it. Or maybe he did, and that is why they broke up. I'm not sure what happened between them. I don't remember, the last thing I remember is sitting on his couch scared crying and my brother holding me and she was yelling outside about something and then she punched her hand thru the door window. That is all I remember. All I know is that I'm afraid to cry in front of my dad, fear he will yell at me or something, and hate crying around other people too. So I try to do it alone. I don't know where all this is coming from or why I'm rambling on about it. Sorry. I guess maybe I should say something to my T about it. But I never know how to bring things up to her about things. Sigh, I wished my life was easier.

Hi Caitlin,
Hey Caitlin,
(((Caitlan))) I have had these thoughts too. I think ppl are tired of hearing about my troubles. Once when I was extremely depressed, I thought my friends weren't calling because they didn't like me anymore. I decided not to call them because I was certain they wouldn't miss me hearing from me. I didn't answer the phone for weeks because I thought anyone who called just was feeling sorry for me. I think it's anxiety & low self-esteem connected to the depression. Later I found out my friends were busy in their lives. They were damn concerned about me & were puzzled that I hadn't called or returned their calls.
I am glad you can open up here. Like, Lori said, we do have our own lives & can't answer ASAP. I am still doing battle with my wounds & wish I could get here more. I miss you guys & feel I'm letting Lori down. It's easy to fall into the *I feel sorry for myself* trap):
Just a suggestion that works for me & my many senior moments. Keep a journal of your thoughts & if you feel comfortable, share with your *t.* Just writing things down makes me more apt to remember. Or, keep a list of these things you want to discuss with the *t.* There's nothing wrong with jotting a few thoughts down & putting it in your purse for the next appointment. Good luck to you. As Lori said, we care. jan
Hey livenlearn,
I was compelled to write after I read your first post.I too have had bouts with kind of the same things you have been thinking. When I was younger I had all kinds of friendships and nowdays I can't buy me a good friend. Do I excrete some kind of foul body odor now? Am I so boring that nobody can stand to be around me? Am I a jerk to everybody? And on an on I put myself through hell. I am self-employed and work out of the home, and much of that time I work by myself, so that doesn't help those times when I am getting down about my lack of a life outside of work. It took me some time to realize that times have changed.. PEOPLE have changed. Most people are wrapped up in their own world, not because they want to, but they have to. Work is demanding, commute times are longer. The free time they have, they have to cart their kids around or spend what little time they have left with family. Social events are usually built around work friends, maybe drinks with them after work now and then, or a round of golf or something. Everybody I know is running around like crazy. Hardly anybody can "hang out" with each other like they used to, like spending an afternoon listening to music or talking. They always seem like they have one foot out the door.
Keep your chin up. You are not alone.