So Lost
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| Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:48am |
Hi everyone,
This is the first time I've posted on this board. I've usually needed help with betrayal and toxic relationships but now my life has completely changed and I'm not sure what to do.
This is my story.....
Roughly 5 years ago I ended an 8 year relationship with someone I was 22 years old at the time. It was a horrible break up. I caught him cheating and left but for nearly a year after that he still played games with my head and used me. Our relationship was horrible abusive, cruel and lacking much love. but I was unable to get away from it until it was almost too late. I've moved on since this and I am now happily married I have a family and life is so much better for me. Until today that was....
Today I found out that my ex shot himself and did not survive. I still can't believe it! I'm so lost and confused. honestly I don't know what I am? So many emotions are flowing right now and I can't stop it. I never wanted to see him again after everything we went through but I never wanted anything like this. I know that he had his own life and decided to take this way out because he could no longer deal with his problems. But I just don't know what to do...I don't know what to feel? I'm not overwhelmed with grief and a part of me says whats wrong with you? Why aren't you devastated? This was the person you would have given your life for.....
but I spent a long time grieving the loss of our relationship so is this why I'm not feeling completely consumed with grief? Or am i still in shock? am I in denial?
I can't attend the funeral I just don't think I could deal with that....and plus i haven't spoken to his family for years and like I said when we parted ways it was nasty. Should I call his family or should I leave it alone? Should I send flowers and a card with a letter expressing my feelings about everything? Or should I just let it go and move on with my life? I don't know what to do?
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? How do you deal with all the questions like WhY why did he do this.
Was there no other way out for him? What was so bad he felt that he felt this was the only way out?
I'm sorry if my thoughts are scattered I just have so many things running through my head.....
I didn't know where to post this but I feel so confused.....
How do you deal with suicide?
How am I suppose to grieve for someone I no longer knew but loved so much at one time?
thank you for reading my post and allowing me a place to let my feelings flow.
Someone please help me!

Hello! I am very sorry to hear this. Please accept my deepest sympathies.
In spite of the fact that you severed the ties to this relationship, which sounds like a toxic one, you still had a connection to your ex. That will always be there. It is always hard to imagine the death of someone who was a living, breathing person one minute, then gone the next. Suicide is wrapped in such mystery. For many religions & cultures it is taboo. Those left behind find it difficult to explain & must face the fact that they may never have the answers they seek.
I am not a professional grief counselor. This is an area I would like to get some training in. I do know that we all grieve in our own way & our own time. Since you suffered @ this man's hands, I would suggest that you do what your heart tells you. Not attending the funeral & not facing his family is a wise decision. That shows that you have set some boundaries & are taking a stand to keep them. That tells me that you have moved on. You see your worth & know your limitations. In all things, YOU must take care of YOU!
Here is a recent thread from a new member who is going through a similiar situation: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhsuicidesur&msg=4821.1&ctx=0
Hi Twinsmom and welcome to the board--although I wish it were under better circumstances... I am glad you found us and it is most certainly appropriate for you to post here!
Hello,
The feeling you are having now will go away in time. I promise. I had something very similar happen to me 2 years ago. A man I worked with for years, saw everyday and talked to about family and interests on smoke breaks killed him self. He was much older them me, and a bit strange, but harmless. He had a loving wife and 2 grown children that he always talked about. He was always saying how lucky he was.. We said goodbye and have a great weekend as we left our building on Friday like we always do. Sunday, while his wife was waiting for him at church, he hung himself. No note to tell anyone how he was feeling. NO ONE had a clue that he was even remotely unhappy or depressed. I spent 45 hours a week with the man for many years and I had no idea…
Everyone was stunned at work on Monday. For weeks it was ALL I thought about. I could not talk about anything else or think about anything else. It drove me crazy. It got to be the only place anyone understood was at work….WE were all feeling this way. It wasn’t like he and I were buddies on anything, but we were friends, I was so pissed off at him for doing what he did to his wife and family. For not even leaving a stupid note of some kind to at least let them know why! So they wouldn’t always wonder if they could have stopped him or talked to him….
I can’t tell you when exactly, but my mind did get past it. I think about him sometimes, but that it. It was his life, his choice, his problems not mine. The dazed and “Oh my God” feeling will be with you for a while. But you will get past this. I don’t know if you did or didn’t go to his funereal or not. But when a person you care about dies and you go to pay your respect to the family, things have a way of working out and bringing us closer together. I think his family would be grateful & touched you came. Regardless of how the two of you ended your relationship. That you remembered him. That you cared enough to just stop by.
I hope you start to feel better soon. But its OK to not feel Bad or happy about it. It just happened. It was His life….
Good Luck,
Sue
Hi Sue and welcome to the board! Just wanted to say thank you for posting such a wise, caring and supportive response--that was sweet of you! Please feel free to post anytime ok? Hugs, Lori
Hi, Sue! We appreciate you posting your support. Don't be a stranger. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
I just wanted to tell everyone that replied thank you I really appreciate the support and great advice. This has been one of the toughest situations I've ever dealt with. I did not attend the funeral, I sat down and thought long and hard about it because I was worried if I didn't go I would regret it. So after careful consideration I thought it would be best for me that I not go and remember him the way he was. I really don't think I would have been able to handle it and I have two toddlers that I needed to make first priority so I thought it would be best. I plan to send some flowers to his mom and write her a letter explaining how I feel and how deeply saddened I am for her. I also plan to go to the cemetery and make my peace with him and hope I'll be able to move on. After the first day of shock saddness and depression started to set in. I feel so bad inside I can't really explain it. I said some really horrible things to him the last time I talked to him because I was so hurt and angry with him for what he had done to me. After time passed I started to forgive him but I'll always have to live with how I left things. That hurts so bad because despite what he did I still loved him with all my heart. I never wanted something like this to happen nor did I ever think something like this could happen.
I feel like my mind is so messed up right now....I feel guilty because I didn't show enough emotion at first (or at least I felt like I didn't) and then I feel guilty because my husband has to deal with me crying over some other guy. He understands and has been great support but I still feel bad. I want to wake up and not have to think about this. I want to go on with my day and not think about him. I know in time the memories will start to fade but for now it's just so painful. I just want to climb in bed and sleep for days until I can forget all about this. A couple of my friends have asked why I care he was so bad to you why would you even shed one tear.....it's easy for them....they didn't love him. Just because he treated me bad am I suppose to act like him? Act like I don't care and hide my feelings?
At night when I try to go to sleep after I've cried my eyes out the questions start to set in....WHY WHY WHY????
I know this is something I'll never know but it does not stop me from asking. Then I start beating myself up with maybe there was something I could do....I know there wasn't we had different lives we were no longer apart of one another. It was his life, and his choice. But why didn't he bother to stop and think about everyone elses life? I'm really sorry about going on and on I just really needed to jot down my feelings. I feel like I'm gonna explode with all the emotions running wild. A part of me thinks I'm going crazy because I'll be angry one minute and then the next I'm crying. I've been trying to focus on the fact that I have a husband and family that need me so I can't let this bring me down but I can't fight it anymore. I feel like even dead he still has a hold of me. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to grieve? should I try to keep busy and not think about it or should try to get it all out so I can start moving forward?
Thanks again guys for listening and giving advice. It's so wonderful to know there are people out there that you can talk to when you feel like the rest of the world just doesn't understand.