having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
having a hard time
4
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:14pm

not quite sure what all to post.

i have chronic severe depression. chronic suicidal ideation. have tried therapy (14 years). many different meds for depression, anxiety and mood stabilizers. none help long.

i'm going through a phase of withdrawing from online groups and such. i'm really tired of dealing w/the thoughts i have. tired of many things.

i know i'm heading into a more dangerous phase. i must care somewhere or i wouldn't post here. i don't know what i want, really. i'm starting to do more active planning. i don't want to eat and am avoiding eating when i can. i have been trying to keep all of this to myself. i guess it was the ride home that made me realize that things are getting more serious. i've been though this enough to realize i should tell someone here. i don't really want to tell anyone though.

i've been through more of these crises than i can count. i always get through and survive. so, part of me, a large part, wonders why i should even bother to tell anyone. i feel like i should just wait it out one more time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:46pm

Hello! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. I am unsure why you feel as you do, but I can assure you that taking your life is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. Once that depression takes hold & the thoughts begin, it is very difficult to stop the momentum without professional help. There are newer meds. If you haven't taken the older versions of antidepressants, they are out there. They still work. Hospitalization to give you a break from the stressors you must be under, daily therapy & medical treatment is an option. There is NO SHAME in seeking help. It is our best effort, to listen to folks who post to this board but give them the resources to get themselves to *real life* help. There are resources posted to the top of this page when you first enter our site. Though you say that you have struggled with meds & therapy in the past, like all of us here have done, please give it another try.


I cannot imagine not eating & the weakness you must feel. That is a dangerous thing to be driving in that condition. Please do not put yourself or others in harm's way.


Reinforce the positive things in your life. Though you may not be thinking clearly as depression has clouded your mind, you DO have some. Please write them down. As you have already stated, the very fact that you posted here is favorable. You are wanting help & @ least for the time being intend to hang on. Can you call a friend or family member? Can you call a house of worship? Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist you can call?


Here is a website that may help: http://www.metanoia.org/

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 11:40pm

Hi nthdegree62,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:54am

thank you for your replies...more information....

i've been struggling with severe depression for nearly 17 years. i've been hospitalized mroe than 16 times...i've stopped counting. yes, it can help. yes, it's expensive. i'm still trying to pay off a visit from 1993.

meds i've taken....paxil, prozac, wellbutrin, immipramine/tofranil, desipramine, deseryl, lexapro, celexa and most recently cymbalta. i've been on lamictal, neurontin, buspar and have ativan as needed. i've been on as many as three antidepressants and two mood stabilizers at once in an attempt to feel better. it did help some. the only meds that help are the anti anxiety meds. the only class not tried is MAOI's. i have medical conditions that complicate what meds i can take.

i've had 14 years of therapy. as it stands right now, my insurance gives me 60 LIFETIME visits. there is also a limit on the number of inpatient days...for life also if i remember correctly.

yes, there are ppl who would be affected. i know that. i have tried so hard to get well in that 17 years. i'm exhausted and i have no reserves. if i were to go ip, it would likely be less than a week. last time i went ip, i was suicidal. i was still suicidal, in the hospital when a different insurance company was seeking to get me released. EVEN though i was still suicidal. they called twice in one day to make sure. staff had to ask me each time.

i'm having issues w/current insurance. we(family) have a flex savings account. apparently i need a doctor's note that states therapy is for a medical condition. depression was mentioned. BUT if it's just for "stress relief" they won't pay. we were told that the flex savings was supposed to cover what the health insurance wouldn't pay until the deductable was met and also it would cover copays. so, having tried to go back to therapy, i found that i have a bill high enough that paying is difficult and now i have to get a doctor's note, and resubmit to ins. all when getting up every day is hard. i've started the process. i'm sure getting the note will take at least a week....next week is july 4th. then submit to ins and who knows IF they will pay.

money is really tight. i've made huge mistakes. hubby has too. credit rating is horrible. bills out from other places. flex savings sends checks but doesn't say which bill it's from. it's so hard to match up the check to the account.

my dx are major depression, seasonal affective disorder, generalized anxiety, ptsd and DID. depending on which health care person you talk to, you can add BPD. that makes me anathema to therapists and doctors and especially inpatient facilities. they do not take anything you say as serious. you are just whining and manipulative. they ignore valid and legitimate concerns.

this is just part of the things going on. there's things w/jobs, marriage and church also. it's just all too much. i feel too damaged to recover and i don't want to feel so depressed w/the thoughts any more. i can't seem to change.

oh...i've been to the metanoia site in the past. i've also written the samaritans. i've read through the crisis information. on the site, on other places.

thank you again for writing w/suggestions. to support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 11:15pm

Hey there,


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