puzzled by thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
puzzled by thoughts
4
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:00pm

As some of you already know, I went through a very rough time a few weeks ago. After a great deal of therapy and med adjustments I thought I was doing really well. Dh has been wonderfully supportive and I have come to appreciate him and my children more than words can say. Before this event a few weeks ago, I nor my T nor anyone else would have considered myself to be suicidal. However, in about the last week to 10 days I have had a great deal of thoughts toward death and dying. These thoughts are nothing like what they were before, but still, they are there and I don't remember ever thinking like this before.

For example **triggers possible**
The other day I was working in my garden (which is one of my favorite hobbies) I was hot and tired and as I bent to pick something up the thought came to mind that death would be one way to never need to feel hot and tired again.

A few days ago my DS had to have a painful procedure done and when I went to bed the night before the thought was there that if I didn't ever wake up again, I wouldn't have to watch him go through this.

I love my children desperately but #5 with his many health and physical challenges is particularly hard to handle at times. Sometimes lately I've been thinking that I can't do it one more day.

These thoughts are always accompanied by a very heavy feeling and it is this, perhaps, that scares me the most. This feeling is like having the air squeezed from my chest. I don't want to talk to DH or T about this for several reasons. A)I dont' want everyone freaking out that I'm going to try something again B)This feels silly and childish to me. C) I'm afraid and maybe a little ashamed. D)I know this is so painful for DH and he doesn't deserve to have to deal with this.

I'm just so tired.

Lucky

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 8:15am

(((Lucky))) This is very scary & I don't want to freak you out. However, you have been under alot of stress lately. You *could* have a medical problem. Many times women with heart disease are totally unaware & symptomless. They do describe unsual things such as the utter exhaustion & the squeezing/heaviness in the chest as opposed to the traditional pain that men experience. Please see your dr. ASAP. Get your self checked out medically, then you can deal w/the thoughts. I hope it turns out to be just the stress. I'll send some P&PT's your way.


As for the thoughts, they are NOT silly or childish. In spite of what you're thinking, your dh would rather have you around, than for you to give in to the thoughts. Your family needs you & wants you to be @ your best. We do here, too! As for your *t*, it is common for the thoughts of death/dying to return @ times. We all struggle against them. The *t* is trained for this & will think *nothing* of it. The point of all of our recovery is to watch for the warning signs that indicate we're slipping back into depression. Then, take a pro-active stance & *nip them in the bud* so to speak. Noone says it will be easy. But, as time passes, you will learn to recognize the depression much earlier & regain your footing much quicker. GL & GBU! I care:) (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:14am

Hey Lucky,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 6:30am

Thanks Jan,

I will talk to my Dr. about possible physical causes for some of what I'm feeling.

I will be seeing T this morning, so hopefully I can bring up some of this stuff.

Lucky
(PS. the "why" post is VERY triggering and there is no warning for what's to come. AAAAGH. Would love to reply to her as I can see she's hurting but.............. I think I'll let you and Lori have that one. )

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 6:34am

Thanks Lori,

I know that I need to be more patient with myself. Everything just looks so tangled and messy right now.
Lucky

LUCKY