I just want to die..

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I just want to die..
20
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:11pm
my heart is broken over a man i loved dying. I know what a broken heart feels like from having so many miscarriages ( one was his baby). But this is such pain in my chest. I called the Pdoc and she wants me to come back to the hospital (last week spent 4 days there for overdose on Klonopin). But I just can't do that. I called my husband at work and he said he can't leave but to keep busy. I did all the housework now i'm just sitting here thinking I could finally be with the man I loved if I just die. It is so bad that I feel my daughter would be better growing up without me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 9:02pm

Hi Julie,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:12am

jukie33-

I don’t know the whole story and I know you are reaching out to everyone. I have to ask you though…Did the hospital stay help at all. I have thought about checking myself in…see I don’t want to die I just don’t trust the depression.
You have been at that point and I need to know did it help at all? I am so sorry for how you feel. I have a daughter and I too think she would be better without me. But then I think what will this do to her years from.
How long ago did you friend pass away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 2:02am

Oh ((Julie)), I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. Please take care of yourself. Several weeks ago I wanted to end my life also, but by God's grace I am still here. Since then I too have had many thoughts of dying. Your post here has helped me to turn around and look at my own situation in a slightly different light. See, I too think often that my children (6 of them) and DH would be better off without me and yet I know that you're daughter would not be better off without you. On the contrary, she would be left with the same, if not worse, pain that you are feeling now at the loss of your friend.
When we get caught in the downward spiral of depression it's hard, really hard, to fight our way back out. The pain and hurt become so great that we think we cannot do it one more day. The truth is that we don't need to worry about one more day: all we really need to do is take each moment as it comes.
There is a quote by Eleanor Rossevelt that I love. The last sentence of the quote says: "I must do the thing I cannot do" Sometimes that thing is simply putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes it's choosing to live when we think we cannot, sometimes it's just allowing ourselves to feel a pain that hurts so bad.

Warm hugs to you Julie, Please let us know how you are

Lucky

LUCKY

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:03am

I made it through the day and went to bed early. Thank you for your kind words. My recent attempt was after I learned the news. It is very complicated because I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I woke at 4:15 and although I'm already sad I don't feel suicidal. We had my daughter go to a friends house last night and spend the night. All night when I woke up I wanted her with me. So I will go get the little rascal and focus on her happiness and love of life. Again Thank you for the kind words.


Julie

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Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:09am

Yes the stay did help. I left very sound and secure on Monday. I guess his death is just hanging on me more than I thought. I do need grief counseling and am going to seek that out. My hubby gets upset about me loving this man so much. I don't want to hurt him by talking about it anymore. I have other hospital stays and have found by them stabilizing meds I stabilized quicker in the hospital. They can change a med faster if they are watching your reaction 24/7. The reason I don't want to go back is first of all my daughter gets so upset. The second reason is purely financial. If your depression becomes too much the hospital is a safe environment. You can call around to your Pastor or a mental health agency to get a refferal to a good well structured hospital.


Good Luck,


Julie

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Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:15am

Lucky,


I sent my daughter to a friends house to spend the night. She was so worried and she gave me 4 kisses and two hugs and said "Mommy, that will help till I come home". Her words strengthened me that there IS another day. I will hurt over Ray dying the rest of my life. But I will keep putting one foot in front of the other for my daughter and husbands and family's sake. The hard part is getting through this grief right now. I still am having trouble believing it and I want it not to be true so bad! But it is true and now "I must do the thing that I cannot do".


Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:30am

Hey Julie,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:05pm

Triggers:


(((Julie))) I am sorry to hear that the thoughts are w/you again. Thank goodness you have posted an update & are feeling better.


Many times when someone passes, we are so overwhelmed by our grief, that it can trigger the return of suicidal thoughts. We imagine that it would be easy for us to leave our lives to be w/the person who passed. Honestly, would he want this for you? I agree with others, that your focus should be on your present life. Caring for hubby & Baybay should be your priority. They need you & would be devastated without you.


Also, if you're a spiritual person, focus on your Higher Power. The promises that you find within your faith. In the past when I was suicidal, the one thing that kept me in this world was what a pastor had said years before. *You are Divine. Your

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:15pm

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Hi! How are you feeling today?


I read your post & wanted to thank you for supporting Julie. That is hard to do when you're feeling down too. It is most appreciated.


Please post any time. We care about you & will be glad to listen. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 2:06pm
BAD BAD thoughts again.
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