I just want to die..

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I just want to die..
20
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:11pm
my heart is broken over a man i loved dying. I know what a broken heart feels like from having so many miscarriages ( one was his baby). But this is such pain in my chest. I called the Pdoc and she wants me to come back to the hospital (last week spent 4 days there for overdose on Klonopin). But I just can't do that. I called my husband at work and he said he can't leave but to keep busy. I did all the housework now i'm just sitting here thinking I could finally be with the man I loved if I just die. It is so bad that I feel my daughter would be better growing up without me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:53pm

I understand those bad thoughts. I understand how sometimes they just seem to come out of nowhere.
It's important to have an outlet for when those bad thoughts hit us. Journaling is good. Sometimes I actually write to those thoughts as if they are a living thing. Let your pain pour over into your writing. Find something to do that brings you peace and satisfaction, something nice for you. In your reply to me you said that DD was very worried about you. That means she loves you very much, she needs you!!!! Perhaps you can just be with her tonight. Take a walk with her, sit on a swing with her, allow yourself to really see her and hear her. There is so much to be learned from our little ones.

While I do not have DID, I do have strong tendencies toward dissociation which I'm trying hard to get under control. I'm sure that you have many tools to help you stay grounded in the here and now. I know that dissociation makes that task of putting one foot in front of the other even more difficult and even more important.

If you need to go to the hospital, please do. Do it for yourself and all of the ones you love, especially DD.

I'm praying hard for you and will continue to do so until you are out of this dark valley.

Sending warm, gentle HUGS
Lucky

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 12:18am

Hang in there, Julie! I know it's a struggle. Sure wish you didn't have to go through this):


Can you journal? Do you meditate or pray? Many times I have to take some deep breaths & re-focus or I will become overwhelmed by the negative thinking. We're here for you. Post any time. I will send PT's that today will be better for you. (((hugs))) jan

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Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:23am

Thanks Lucky.


But all that is in my head is these two thoughts "HE'S DEAD And "HE CANNOT BE DEAD"


That's all I could write out about my feelings right now.


But Thank You it is a very good tool.


Julie

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Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:27am

Jan,


We

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 12:53pm

I spent nine days in the hospital. I didn't eat for 11 days. Just couldn't stand the thought of food at first I was hungry then even that went away. On the 7th day of in patient stay

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 3:02pm

Hi Julie,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 9:23pm
I just lost a friend to suicide. There is no way that this would be the best for your daughter. How can anyone ever explain to her that she was important to you? How can anyone explain to her the love you feel for her? This young man was 33 and left a young son, and a wife pregnant with their second child. There is no way that your act will not very hurtfully effect everyone that loves you. This is not a way to end your pain but to create pain in others. Your lose was painful, but can you consiously cause this pain in others. And in a way a pain that is worse that causes others to feel increadable guilt as to why you did not turn to them. Please seek help in friends, relatives or a suicide help line. If you unable to do these things then feel your daughters love and hold onto that.
Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 6:51am

I Love Y'all is all I can say. Back to the Pdoc tomorrow.


Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:58am

I am optimistic, Julie, when you say you will see the pdoc tomorrow. I KNOW that you can beat this! It will be a struggle but you are strong & have many coping skills @ the ready. It's putting them into place which is holding up progress here. It's one of those situations where you can't see the forest for the trees. You have too many stressors & will need that pdoc & possibly more intensive treatment to get back on track.


ITA w/ Lori & our new poster. Do what you must to get well. Back when I was clinically depressed, my insurance would only pay for a short IP stay. I needed more time. The social worker & pdoc told me that signing myself into the state hospital would afford me the time & treatment I needed. I was so scared, but for my kids, I did agree. Unfortunately, the state hospital did not take voluntary admissions. I had a hearing & had to go *involuntarily.* OMG! That was the worst thing ever, in my mind. I was court committed for 3 months. I thought it was a life sentence. That I was insane & would never go home. It was so hard to go there & *bunk* w/my former patients. I was so ashamed. But... in spite of everything, it was what I needed. I DID get the time & the help I needed. I DID get better. I DID get discharged. I DID come right home to be w/my kids. It was a good decision. I hope & pray that things will work out for you, too. GL! (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:01pm

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Hi! Thanks so much for responding to Julie. We appreciate you sharing your thoughts & support. Don't be a stranger! GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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