had to share this
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had to share this
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:10pm |
Well, things have been going great then something happened I really don't know where to turn to.. Sorry, but those familiar with my story should remember a few things
Jst a few days I was going to send a beutiful update about how nicely things were going for me here, with my new friends and a new unexpeced love interest...Everything was great till it went downhill again...Please bear with me because I sm still n a state of shock....
Sorry but this is going to be one long unhappy post. See, I am still in shock. I just got off the phone with my new guy. We have been inseparable for like two weeks now and everything was going so great and when I called him today to arrange a meeting as we had planned he very strictly told me immediately that he didn’t think we should ever see each other again. I was shocked as I had no indication that anything was wrong. He was anxious to get me off the phone as talking to me was making him uncomfortable but we did have a short conversation and he said he had been thinking a lot about that the past few days and that he really needed to concentrate on work and when I asked he said that it was absolutely nothing that I had done but it was all him (typical) and at a point he said it wasn’t even his choice!!! Then he quickly told me to forget he said that and that he was absolutely not going to give me any more information on this point. So I said I felt like a complete idiot and he said he had been feeling like a complete bas …rd so I simply said that there was no point continuing the conversation and hang up. I am hurting really really badly right now. I did not see that one coming. He seemed to be so totally into me. He had made me so happy the short time we met. The absolutely worse thing is that it really brings up old demons. I know this has been a while but maybe you will remember that this is he exact same way both my boyfriend at the time of the rape (the one I was very in love with) and the one subsequent broke up with me. First one sticks with me through the horrible ordeal of the rape and the suicide attempt, takes me on a romantic trip we are supposedly so in love, then he leaves the room for a few hours and changes completely. Shortly afterwards he broke up with me offering me no explanation at all other than there are things I don’t know but that he still loved me to bits. He even cried but never answered my phone calls again. Second one, Peter, same story more or less, we spent three happy months together and one day he disappeared without even telling me he was breaking up with me. Later he apologized saying he had personal issues and disappeared again. This is roughly when the second suicide attempt came. My pain doesn’t derive from the fact that my relationships since the rape have been a disaster but because I never get a warning, I never get an indication of a problem and so often I get silly things like “I can not say I don’t love you anymore cause it would be a lie but there are things you don’t know†(1st boyfriend) or “well it is not like it is really my choice†I mean really, these things play with my mind so badly. And I never get a chance to have my say. Like I wanted to ask this guy whether it was really worth it treating me like that. Whether he got anything out of stringing me along. I don’t know how to fix my behavior if I have absolutely no clue what I am doing wrong. And if it is true and everything falls apart just when it is too perfect for reasons not connected to me is it a coincidence or what. I tried so hard to get out of the dark hole that had me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me after the rape but it kind of looks appealing now. Seriously what am I supposed to think? Why is the same thing happening? I still have all those nice people around me which I didn’t have while going through the big crisis but my personality is such that I can’t get myself to let them know that I am hurting. My flat mate had a serious fight with her boyfriend (he left her all alone at 5 in the morning in a bad part of town, thank God nothing bad happened to her) and I am trying to cheer her up. So anyway I thought I would vent here. I really need to keep away from these bad thoughts. I have come so far. I mean it was supposed to be a laid back summer affair why did it have to go sour his way? Why does it always happen?
Sorry for the long post and for the wining. I hope I pull myself together again. I feel so numb.
PS My new friends are jus being so nice but why do I always have to drag innocent people to what is my prvate messy affairs...
Dont's want to bring everyone down. Just feel so low....
Jst a few days I was going to send a beutiful update about how nicely things were going for me here, with my new friends and a new unexpeced love interest...Everything was great till it went downhill again...Please bear with me because I sm still n a state of shock....
Sorry but this is going to be one long unhappy post. See, I am still in shock. I just got off the phone with my new guy. We have been inseparable for like two weeks now and everything was going so great and when I called him today to arrange a meeting as we had planned he very strictly told me immediately that he didn’t think we should ever see each other again. I was shocked as I had no indication that anything was wrong. He was anxious to get me off the phone as talking to me was making him uncomfortable but we did have a short conversation and he said he had been thinking a lot about that the past few days and that he really needed to concentrate on work and when I asked he said that it was absolutely nothing that I had done but it was all him (typical) and at a point he said it wasn’t even his choice!!! Then he quickly told me to forget he said that and that he was absolutely not going to give me any more information on this point. So I said I felt like a complete idiot and he said he had been feeling like a complete bas …rd so I simply said that there was no point continuing the conversation and hang up. I am hurting really really badly right now. I did not see that one coming. He seemed to be so totally into me. He had made me so happy the short time we met. The absolutely worse thing is that it really brings up old demons. I know this has been a while but maybe you will remember that this is he exact same way both my boyfriend at the time of the rape (the one I was very in love with) and the one subsequent broke up with me. First one sticks with me through the horrible ordeal of the rape and the suicide attempt, takes me on a romantic trip we are supposedly so in love, then he leaves the room for a few hours and changes completely. Shortly afterwards he broke up with me offering me no explanation at all other than there are things I don’t know but that he still loved me to bits. He even cried but never answered my phone calls again. Second one, Peter, same story more or less, we spent three happy months together and one day he disappeared without even telling me he was breaking up with me. Later he apologized saying he had personal issues and disappeared again. This is roughly when the second suicide attempt came. My pain doesn’t derive from the fact that my relationships since the rape have been a disaster but because I never get a warning, I never get an indication of a problem and so often I get silly things like “I can not say I don’t love you anymore cause it would be a lie but there are things you don’t know†(1st boyfriend) or “well it is not like it is really my choice†I mean really, these things play with my mind so badly. And I never get a chance to have my say. Like I wanted to ask this guy whether it was really worth it treating me like that. Whether he got anything out of stringing me along. I don’t know how to fix my behavior if I have absolutely no clue what I am doing wrong. And if it is true and everything falls apart just when it is too perfect for reasons not connected to me is it a coincidence or what. I tried so hard to get out of the dark hole that had me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me after the rape but it kind of looks appealing now. Seriously what am I supposed to think? Why is the same thing happening? I still have all those nice people around me which I didn’t have while going through the big crisis but my personality is such that I can’t get myself to let them know that I am hurting. My flat mate had a serious fight with her boyfriend (he left her all alone at 5 in the morning in a bad part of town, thank God nothing bad happened to her) and I am trying to cheer her up. So anyway I thought I would vent here. I really need to keep away from these bad thoughts. I have come so far. I mean it was supposed to be a laid back summer affair why did it have to go sour his way? Why does it always happen?
Sorry for the long post and for the wining. I hope I pull myself together again. I feel so numb.
PS My new friends are jus being so nice but why do I always have to drag innocent people to what is my prvate messy affairs...
Dont's want to bring everyone down. Just feel so low....

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Hey Rosaura,
Well, you always seem to know the right thing to say. Well it is five in the morning here and I can't sleep. I feel really numb. I know you are right about so many things you said and normally I would not be so broken hearted but it is the principle that really shook me up, not the fact that some guy suddenly decided not to date me. It is how it happened. That really affects me. Like I don't really matter. I mean I am decent looking, not needy, I can handle a conversation so why is it that everyone gets it right and I get this drama? Not even a reasonable break up. This was meaning to be a holiday fling. I am here on a language course and he on a temporary contract but we discussed this thoroughly on our first dates. It seemed so genuine. Seriously, how ca a person be so wrong? He looked delighted to be wit me, never pressed me for sex had amazing conversations with me and then suddenly this???????I don't understand but how can I be coincidence that it keeps happening? Well, to answer you his job isn't really that dangerous but he moves around a lot so chances are this was not going to progress anyway but we have discussed that from the beginning and he said he would like to be in touch anyway. I never told him about my past. Thought it was too soon. He shared more than me, said that he had been through some serious depression in the past and he self harmed.But i didn't run away. Plus when we first met two of his colleagues had a crush on me but we never took it seriously. I know that contacting him is a BAD idea. I am so tempted to just slip a post card under his door with one question on it. Was it really worth it? I don't even want to know the answer you know...
My friends have been wonderful. So this time I am not completely alone. I shared some stuff with them but not everthing. This is just way too familiar. I know it is a very bad thought to make but I keep asking myself whether there is some serious flaw about me. It can not be a coincidence. I really don't know what signs I could have pcked up. There was seriously nothing at all.
Thanks for being there.
Guess the worse thing is that I am afraid I will slip back to all those negative thoughts. It was really not worth it trusting someone (and we even had a long conversation about trust a few nights ago) and what you said about good people...sometimes I think being good is not an asset. But this is who I am and it is not doing me any favors in the past three years.
Thanks again.
I really needed to share this with you right now.
Will try to get some sleep. I am sending warm hugs for you
Rosaura
Rosaura,
I read your post and ((hugs)) to you!!
Hey Rosaura,
Sending you good vibes from Europe
Reggina
So, hey, portugal is beautiful. maybe I'll get sad about it again but I'll try not to.
Hope you are having a beautiful day
Thanks for being there
R
Thanks for the compliments for my pooches.
Well, it was nice talking to you :-) Hang in there and hope you have nice day.
R.
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