had to share this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
had to share this
26
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:10pm
Well, things have been going great then something happened I really don't know where to turn to.. Sorry, but those familiar with my story should remember a few things
Jst a few days I was going to send a beutiful update about how nicely things were going for me here, with my new friends and a new unexpeced love interest...Everything was great till it went downhill again...Please bear with me because I sm still n a state of shock....
Sorry but this is going to be one long unhappy post. See, I am still in shock. I just got off the phone with my new guy. We have been inseparable for like two weeks now and everything was going so great and when I called him today to arrange a meeting as we had planned he very strictly told me immediately that he didn’t think we should ever see each other again. I was shocked as I had no indication that anything was wrong. He was anxious to get me off the phone as talking to me was making him uncomfortable but we did have a short conversation and he said he had been thinking a lot about that the past few days and that he really needed to concentrate on work and when I asked he said that it was absolutely nothing that I had done but it was all him (typical) and at a point he said it wasn’t even his choice!!! Then he quickly told me to forget he said that and that he was absolutely not going to give me any more information on this point. So I said I felt like a complete idiot and he said he had been feeling like a complete bas …rd so I simply said that there was no point continuing the conversation and hang up. I am hurting really really badly right now. I did not see that one coming. He seemed to be so totally into me. He had made me so happy the short time we met. The absolutely worse thing is that it really brings up old demons. I know this has been a while but maybe you will remember that this is he exact same way both my boyfriend at the time of the rape (the one I was very in love with) and the one subsequent broke up with me. First one sticks with me through the horrible ordeal of the rape and the suicide attempt, takes me on a romantic trip we are supposedly so in love, then he leaves the room for a few hours and changes completely. Shortly afterwards he broke up with me offering me no explanation at all other than there are things I don’t know but that he still loved me to bits. He even cried but never answered my phone calls again. Second one, Peter, same story more or less, we spent three happy months together and one day he disappeared without even telling me he was breaking up with me. Later he apologized saying he had personal issues and disappeared again. This is roughly when the second suicide attempt came. My pain doesn’t derive from the fact that my relationships since the rape have been a disaster but because I never get a warning, I never get an indication of a problem and so often I get silly things like “I can not say I don’t love you anymore cause it would be a lie but there are things you don’t know” (1st boyfriend) or “well it is not like it is really my choice” I mean really, these things play with my mind so badly. And I never get a chance to have my say. Like I wanted to ask this guy whether it was really worth it treating me like that. Whether he got anything out of stringing me along. I don’t know how to fix my behavior if I have absolutely no clue what I am doing wrong. And if it is true and everything falls apart just when it is too perfect for reasons not connected to me is it a coincidence or what. I tried so hard to get out of the dark hole that had me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me after the rape but it kind of looks appealing now. Seriously what am I supposed to think? Why is the same thing happening? I still have all those nice people around me which I didn’t have while going through the big crisis but my personality is such that I can’t get myself to let them know that I am hurting. My flat mate had a serious fight with her boyfriend (he left her all alone at 5 in the morning in a bad part of town, thank God nothing bad happened to her) and I am trying to cheer her up. So anyway I thought I would vent here. I really need to keep away from these bad thoughts. I have come so far. I mean it was supposed to be a laid back summer affair why did it have to go sour his way? Why does it always happen?
Sorry for the long post and for the wining. I hope I pull myself together again. I feel so numb.
PS My new friends are jus being so nice but why do I always have to drag innocent people to what is my prvate messy affairs...
Dont's want to bring everyone down. Just feel so low....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:58am

(((R))) That's a shame): I am putting myself in your shoes & the *NOT KNOWING WHY* is driving me nuts. My anxiety makes me always wanting to have everything in neat & tidy rows. No loose ends.


Can I call the guy a jerk? Cause I think he is. He may have been nice enough, but he sure didn't know how to disengage from this relationship like the rest of the world does. Just a few simple parting words would have made this so much easier.


I am sure it's more of an insult to your self-esteem when you were feeling low to begin with. I don't know if this will help or not, but I had a patient tell me once that her mother told her. *When you get mustard on your shirt, just pretend there's no stain there. Keep on truckin' as if you are totally cool with the situation. What mustard? Just rise above, honey. Just rise above.* I think that if you can do the *rising above* through the painful part, it will pass quickly & you will soon convince yourself that this guy was probably not all that & a bag of chips;) You can do better, R!!! :)


Keep in touch. We're here for you. Break-ups are something all of us girls can relate to. GL & GBU! jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:10am

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:12pm
{{{{Jan}}}}}
I just LOVED the mustard theory!!! It is so clever. Exactly what I was thinking about today. Well, things are definitely getting better. I don't think I need to know or understand anymore. I still WANT to but not NEED. I am feeling better, I am smiling and it is not fake. I have brief sad moments when I am thinking how nice it had been and how I see no good reason for it to end, like at times when we normally would be together eating ice cream like now. Also, the more I thought about it the more obvious it becomes that he has some serious issues. He had confessed to depression and SI and a dark side of his that he hates. Should have seen the signs. I am not excusing him. The more I think about it the more the best solution is to just move on. I am doing great now (mustard? What mustard?) and I hope it continues. And if I do see him again (will try to avoid it but small city, one or two vanues for expats so chances are...) I will pretend he is not there. I don't think he should be allowed to drive me away from the places I usually go to.
Thanks so much for the awsome post. Made my day
Sending loads of kisses!
R
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:26pm
{{{Lori}}} thanks. I was kind of worried about that note. Still, I am feeling much better. My self esteem has improved significantly over this past year and I am feeling pretty smug lately :-) I know he was cute and intelligent but looks and intellect without integrity are worthless. I know I will be worried about bumping into him again since there is a good chance this might be happening (we move around same places and I don't think he should be allowed to drive me away from the places I feel comfortable with) So maybe I even say hi to be polite from a distance and then pretend he doesn't even exist if that happens. Hope it doesn't.
So, no worries, so far everything is fine. Just a small crisis I guess.
Oh and I don't think I will ever find out because I don't think he will ever call but that is just the way it goes. Cutting losses and moving on.
Love ya loads!!!!!!!!
R
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 11:22pm

Hey Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 10:01am

Ditto:)


PS Ice cream solves everything;) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 5:46pm
Hi Jan, Hi Lori!!!! How was your weekend? Well, I have done my best to enjoy myself (was a bit bizarre as there were like thousands of bikers going through the city, some kind of a meeting or something) Anyway, ran into a friend of his and he told me he is miserable. I am sooooooo not getting this but at least I have given up trying to. I am doing better although I would be lying to say it doesn't make me sad. Oh well, that is life I guess. Hope it doesn't take me another year to even kiss anyone. Thanks for the support really needed it. Things are well now.
Love ya both
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 8:06pm

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:26am
Hey Lori! How are you? I am checking in to talk to you guys. Love the internet connection here. So, I was just having some thoughts provoked by this incident I thought I might share. In a nutshell, I unfortunately still miss him very much which is stupid as we had only been dating a short time but I guess, at least for me, it was one of those instant connection things, hadn't happened in years. Knowing he is miserable doesn't really help because he could easily change that by picking up a phone. I am only tempted to contact him but there is no point now. Anyway, what I actually wanted to share is a deeper concern of mine (as I said can oppened, worms everywhere). I think a lot of my anxiety stems from a very strange fear I have and I only just realized. Please don't think I am big headed or anything but nature has been generally speaking good to me. After the attack I did everything I could to erase my looks (I didn't know I was doing it) like dress awfully, absolutely no make up or anything that might make me attractive. Now that my self esteem was slowly coming back I started taking care of myself just like before. I get a lot of attention now, it started around late April and, being a blond foreigner here only makes it more intense. Thing is I realized I am absolutely petrified by all this. I get paranoid that they will say anything to get to me,and the attention is making me uncomfortable. I know that for everyone else being attractive for the opposite sex is something that boosts their ego but for me it is pretty scary. I get asked on a date so frequently and the one I wanted I could not have. It just doesn't make any sense. I am doing alright more or less but this definitely put a strain on the entire holiday and it is just unfair. But as you so wisely said, things don't always go as planned...still wouldn't hurt if once in a while they did.
PS I am writing this because last night I went out with my friend and realized just how uncomfortable I was getting with people trying to talk to me. Hope I am not a drag but I hope one day I will feel blessed instead of scared. Boy this attack really messed me up didn't it? I never enjoyed sex afterwards, had as little as possible then none at all since breaking up with the last one. The one I was dating now I was physically very comfortable with and that has not happened for three whole years.
Once again sorry to drag everyone down, honestly, it is not as bad as it seems.
Love ya all
R.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:35am

Hi Rosaura!! You didn't "drag me down" by sharing your thoughts/concerns/pain--please don't worry about that, ok hon?


You're right--things don't always go as planned (as I said in the earlier post) but it would be nice if they did ONCE IN A WHILE--lol!!! Actually, I guess they DO go as planned "once in a while" but it's somehow harder to see that when we are in the midst of things. At least for me anyway.


What you are describing re: your feelings around

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