had to share this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
had to share this
26
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:10pm
Well, things have been going great then something happened I really don't know where to turn to.. Sorry, but those familiar with my story should remember a few things
Jst a few days I was going to send a beutiful update about how nicely things were going for me here, with my new friends and a new unexpeced love interest...Everything was great till it went downhill again...Please bear with me because I sm still n a state of shock....
Sorry but this is going to be one long unhappy post. See, I am still in shock. I just got off the phone with my new guy. We have been inseparable for like two weeks now and everything was going so great and when I called him today to arrange a meeting as we had planned he very strictly told me immediately that he didn’t think we should ever see each other again. I was shocked as I had no indication that anything was wrong. He was anxious to get me off the phone as talking to me was making him uncomfortable but we did have a short conversation and he said he had been thinking a lot about that the past few days and that he really needed to concentrate on work and when I asked he said that it was absolutely nothing that I had done but it was all him (typical) and at a point he said it wasn’t even his choice!!! Then he quickly told me to forget he said that and that he was absolutely not going to give me any more information on this point. So I said I felt like a complete idiot and he said he had been feeling like a complete bas …rd so I simply said that there was no point continuing the conversation and hang up. I am hurting really really badly right now. I did not see that one coming. He seemed to be so totally into me. He had made me so happy the short time we met. The absolutely worse thing is that it really brings up old demons. I know this has been a while but maybe you will remember that this is he exact same way both my boyfriend at the time of the rape (the one I was very in love with) and the one subsequent broke up with me. First one sticks with me through the horrible ordeal of the rape and the suicide attempt, takes me on a romantic trip we are supposedly so in love, then he leaves the room for a few hours and changes completely. Shortly afterwards he broke up with me offering me no explanation at all other than there are things I don’t know but that he still loved me to bits. He even cried but never answered my phone calls again. Second one, Peter, same story more or less, we spent three happy months together and one day he disappeared without even telling me he was breaking up with me. Later he apologized saying he had personal issues and disappeared again. This is roughly when the second suicide attempt came. My pain doesn’t derive from the fact that my relationships since the rape have been a disaster but because I never get a warning, I never get an indication of a problem and so often I get silly things like “I can not say I don’t love you anymore cause it would be a lie but there are things you don’t know” (1st boyfriend) or “well it is not like it is really my choice” I mean really, these things play with my mind so badly. And I never get a chance to have my say. Like I wanted to ask this guy whether it was really worth it treating me like that. Whether he got anything out of stringing me along. I don’t know how to fix my behavior if I have absolutely no clue what I am doing wrong. And if it is true and everything falls apart just when it is too perfect for reasons not connected to me is it a coincidence or what. I tried so hard to get out of the dark hole that had me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me after the rape but it kind of looks appealing now. Seriously what am I supposed to think? Why is the same thing happening? I still have all those nice people around me which I didn’t have while going through the big crisis but my personality is such that I can’t get myself to let them know that I am hurting. My flat mate had a serious fight with her boyfriend (he left her all alone at 5 in the morning in a bad part of town, thank God nothing bad happened to her) and I am trying to cheer her up. So anyway I thought I would vent here. I really need to keep away from these bad thoughts. I have come so far. I mean it was supposed to be a laid back summer affair why did it have to go sour his way? Why does it always happen?
Sorry for the long post and for the wining. I hope I pull myself together again. I feel so numb.
PS My new friends are jus being so nice but why do I always have to drag innocent people to what is my prvate messy affairs...
Dont's want to bring everyone down. Just feel so low....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:41pm
Hey Lori. Just saw your post. It is amazing. So filled with truth... Actually my little "destroy the looks" campaign was only pointed out to me by my Therapist. I was totally unaware that this is what I was doing. Now that I look at pictures from the high dpressive period I cringe. Did a good job back then! The unconscious is such a complex thing. I didn't want to be attacked again so I tried to make myself unattractive to potential predators because deep down I was blaming myself. The whole thing is very silly indeed. Like, the compliments. Yesterday I was upset because some guy started telling me that he loves me and I should go home with him cause life is short. What kind of an idiot did he take me for? Trust on the other hand is another matter altogether. I think that is where the problem lies. I simply don't trust anyone now. I mean look at the history. The two people I dared to get involved with after the assault have run away from me with no explanation. I really thought I had been ready. I was sooooo cautious (hence the fact that we didn't sleep together). I still don't get it how I could have been so very wrong. I mean we spent a night together and all he did was hold me like his life depended upon it, look in my eyes and tell me I am beautiful. Then the day before he broke it off he called me in the middle of the day to tell me he can't wait to see me again. Did I imagine all that? Seriously Lori, it is not even about the guy. How on earth do I dare trust again. I get it so very wrong all the time. I know this will pass and I know I am probably making too much of a deal with it but I am confused. I know that what you said was wise and probably true, that not everyone is out to hurt me but it is hard to grasp the context of it since every single man in my life since the attack raised my expectations high and then crashed them with no obvious reason or explanation.
Also, I know I hate to moan that is why apologize for sharing. That had been my major problem before. I bottled everyone inside as to not show weakness or burden other people and that is why I had a breakdown.
So, I think tonight I'll stay in and read a book or something.
I'll talk to you soon.
I hope you are having a wonderful week. You have also been through a lot and it is amazing how remarkably you have managed to bounce back and help (the universe appreciates that, I am sure)
Hugs and Kisses
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 5:56pm

Hey Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:06pm
:-) My dear Lori!!!! You always know what I am in need to hear. Well, sometimes I grow horns, my tongue becomes forked and long and my eyes turn red. Maybe that is scaring them off? :-) No, the needy nearly freaked out creature you guys get to tolerate from time to time they never get to see. Got to have some dignity. And the reason I get so freaked out when men approach me in bars (trust me, I might be cute but there are millions of cuter women out there - well definitely taller at least ;-) so there is no monopoly there)is because that is where my attacker approached me after a fight with my then boyfriend. He seemed concerned and definitely not threatening and it turned out he had been stalking me for two weeks...scary, they never caught him by the way. So, I am naturally more alarmed than your average party goer. Plus I only just started going out again. I was extremely introverted for more than a year so maybe I need to get used to it all over again. Anyway, thanks again, it is nice to have such a good internet connection. All 5 computers over here are on 24 hours a day. I think it is cool.
So, as you can see I am back on track (almost) and embarassed for letting a guy I have known for two weeks provoke such a crisis.(Still have major work to do with those trust issues though)
So stay brilliant my friend and know you have a good friend in Europe (somewhere) who is always looking forward to read your mails
Hugs and kisses
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:34pm

Hmmmm...red eyes? I like the color red (as ya MIGHT be able to tell, LOL!) and fork? Well, I suppose you're always ready to eat--a BYOS (bring your own silverware type of situation!) Hahaha!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:48pm

I have been reading this exchange & find it fascinating. I was sexually abused as a child. When I reached my teens & looked PDG;) if I must say so myself, I was unsure how to handle the attention I received. I would become very uncomfortable & actually feel ashamed & be reduced to tears. Like Lori has suggested, I think a survivor's group would be good for you. This fear, discomfort, etc. seems to be a hallmark of survivors. Most assuredly you would find others willing to talk about it & gain insight into how to cope better.


I am much more confident now, but I used to have what I secretly called, *my nun spells.* After a relationship gone bad, I would withdraw, cut my hair, not pay attention to what I was wearing & gained weight. I swear the weight gain was my attempt to keep men away. (Just an aside. This sometimes backfired. There are guys out there who like weightier women.) Sadly, I didn't seek help earlier because I didn't recognize my symptoms. Looking back causes regret. I keep my thoughts in the present.


 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 3:15pm
My God, Jan!!! This is exactly my situation! I wasn't even aware I was doing it until therapy. See, my first boyfriend who had been with me around the time of the rape stayed with me for a couple of months before suddenly departing offering no reason and while I was still with him, I was a mess, granted (even though I pretended everything was rosy) but I felt safe cause he was there. when I was on my own, all this attention only terrified me and that is when I begun to do exactly what you did. I wore the most hiddeous clothes ever, cut my hair and my weight would fluctuate tremendously. In times of normal depression I would overeat and at times of severe depression I would stop eating altogether. I am quite small so it really showed. I never looked overweight but it wasn't pretty growing bulges where you had none :-) or having clothes simply hang on you. I can now totally see how food is a simple drug when people are in pain or in need of lost control. Like when I was really messed up I felt a) the absurd need to punish myself, b) the need to control SOMETHING since I could not control anything else (food) I have not been monitoring my food for months now, either to make sure I eat enough or to refrain from eating everything I can find and now things are back to normal. It is a vicious circle though isn't it? You don't know you make yourself ugly to repell all men and deep inside you want men to notice you so when they don't your self esteem suffers and when you get back the looks and men notice you it is still not comfortable and your self esteem once again suffers...What can I say. Hope one day I get it right. I honestly wish I never had met this guy. I am so suspcious of my own instincts right now and that is the worst. Still things are more or less stable and fine. Got my friends, this beautiful city, gone surfing this week (I suck at it). I only wish I could enjoy it more.
Sorry for the long post! I got all psyched and related TOTALLY! Glad to hear you are doing better now. You deserve it!
Warm hugs and kisses
Rosaura

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