ready to give up again
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ready to give up again
| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:04pm |
I don't know why, I had the feeling I've been doing really good lately, but I got home tonight and I just had this feeling of being unwanted, and worthless and holding back the tears listening to my man Gary Allan sing. Oh and I changed my screen name It used to be livenlearn06. now I'm Watching Airplanes. I just don't know what to do I want to sleep forever and I'm so tired every morning even when I go to bed early I don't really wake up until afternoonish I'm awake working but I feel I could pass out at nearly any moment and sleep forever and ever and never wake up. :(
Caitlin

(((Caitlan))) I am sorry to hear about the return of the thoughts. Sometimes they are triggered by alot of stress or a certain situation. Other times, they seem pretty much random. They are common to us who do battle w/depression.
You know the drill. Call your pdoc or *t* & discuss a treatment plan. Call a hotline or get yourself to the emergancy room if the thoughts of harming yourself are overwhelming. In all things, keep safe. We care & want you to get better.
You have been doing good for awhile now. Focus on that. I think since you began posting to the board, this is the longest time of balance in life that you've had. Look @ the concert as getting into the swing of life. Do more things that get you out among the ppl;)
Heyyy Caitlin,
Now she wants me to start paying for my doctor and T appts. Which I pay for but then she turns it in to her insurance or something to get the money back and taken out of her check before taxes or something. So she thinks I needto learn how to manage my money because I don't have enough experience doing that. Which is so halarious because she can not save any even one cent, in her life time, but I've been working and saving and paying for my own stuff since I was about 12 that is when she decided I didn't need new clothes and school stuff every year, clothes were to expensive, that she didn't get new clothes everyyear when she was a kid so why should I, she gave all her money to worthless stuff and gave to my brother. but she wasn't a kid that grew 3-4 inches almost every year. She is short and stoped growin at 13 or something. I didn't stop until like I was 17. Money is everything to her. I can manage my money I know how to. I just hate living here and it is driving me crazy and I don't think I can last another day.
C~
Sorry to hear about your recent downfall.
Hey
This is long and might have trigs
Thanks for the message. Right now I'm looking for an apartment. I'm not sure I'll be able to afford one but I really think I need to move out. and my mom does not understand why I think feel I need to. But my T says she thinks it will be a good idea. That I will get rid of certain stressers in my life that tend to control my moods and thoughts or whatever. But said I will have new stressors of moving and bill and such. But I'd rather have those kind of stressors than those I have now, because I know no matter what I can go somewhere to get something to eat, whether it is from my dad grandma, Aunt or even my moms. I'm sorta dating, but none of the guys I've dated I really like that much I mean they are really nice guys and fun I just don't have an date attraction with them, to me they would make great friends. My mom recently told me that she thinks she needs to teach me how to manage my money because I don't know how to budget money. Which is crazy, I know how to budget money, I'm great with money, she is terrible, is in over 40Grand in debt from credit card bills. Not me I haven't bought myself anything since I was 12 until recently. because I save everything. so she thinks I need to start paying for my medicines and doctor appointments. Which apparently she has been paying. She miss lead me saying the insurance pays co-pays after I pay so I'd give her the receipts but I guess her work takes it out of her check before taxes or something. But she doesn't see the need to help me get my allergy medicine and my anti-depressant medicine. so in my mind its like she doesn't care what happens to me. Thinks have gone back to ignoring me, when I try to talk to her or someone about something bothering me, they just ignore me or change the subject to whatever they want to talk about. So I don't see the point anymore. One of the big reasons why I felt this way for so long, I'm always ignored. Nobody cares. After buying myself a digital camera that I've wanted for a long time 3days ago, my mom hands me a hospital bill and say you need to pay this soon. It is due like tomorrow and I just spent my money on this camera, she couldn't have told me that I had this bill to pay before I went to get the camera I would have waited. She just is so inconsiderate when it comes to me. I sorta got upset and was half joking, that this was the price I had to pay for them to keep me alive when I wanted to die in the first place. and she said you didn't really want to.... I just say uh ya I did, If I didn't I wouldn't have did what I did and I still today wouldn't be wishing I had not lived. But she just ignored it. Then the other day she basically told me I was not worth $3 to her. She invited me to the zoo to help her with my nephews so I went with her, but before she said something about she didn't have money to buy me lunch, which the last time I went there was a wendy's there and I only get $3 worth of food there, and she said $3 would break her, I didn't have any cash on me so I couldn't get anything and she said she didn't have any extra. So I didn't eat lunch she bought everyone else lunch, then the next day she goes out to eat at a semi expensive resturaunt with her friends, and I ask her about being broke and she said she didn't say that, so I called her a liar and she always lies to me, and she said that she didn't lie she just didn't know how she wanted to spend her money yet. So apparently I'm not worth it. My dad also got mad at me for something stupid, My brother went to the zoo with us also and my dad dropped him off at our house, b/c his car is not working but when we got home I was tired and wanted to lay and rest for a while before I took my brother back home, and my mom would not give him a ride, so he threw a big hissy fit 24yr old looking like a 2yr because I wouldn't jump up and give him a ride right then all he had to do was wait 30minutes and I would have taken him, so he called my dad saying we were going to make him walk so he jumped up came and got him, but he didn't come in to say hi to me then the next morning he calls wondering why I didn't call to go to a movie I'd only been up for like 30minutes but he already made plans to do something else. I just don't understand why nobody cares and I just don't know anymore ready to give up. I don't even think my nephews like me anymore so I'm not sure if I have anybody to live for. I don't know I got to the T on thurs so guess I'll talk to her then. Right now I'll probably go cry myself to sleep.
Thanks for listening/reading
caitlin
Hi Caitlin,
(((Caitlan))) I don't want to steer you wrong, but get some help in sorting out this medical insurance situation. Call the insurance company & get those co-pays nailed down. Call an attorney or ask a trusted adult friend to help you. If you are a full-time student on your mom's policy, you may have no responsibility in paying the bills. My dd, although over 18, was a student on her dad's policy. I was responsible for the first 80% & her dad the remaining bill, as long as she stayed in school.
I think this stress is way too much for you. I am not sure why your mom is motivated to act this way. It's hurtful & demeaning & you do NOT deserve this treatment. ITA w/Lori. Get the assistance & they will get you medical too. It will cover your meds & treatment until you are gainfully employed/graduate or whatever are the laws in your state. GL! (((hugs))) jan
I'm not sure if she would be jealous of? I know this isn't the same kind of jealousy but i have noticed that she is getting a little jealous of me when it comes to my step-dad. At one point I did not like him at all not because of normal kid reasons why(replacing my dad) I knew he wouldn't and never lived with my dad so It didn't bother me, I liked him at first then he just turned different after they married acted like a baby, seriously, he pouted and threw worse fits than I did. was verbally abusive to my mom, brother and I. changed rules around to where he was determining what I could and could not wear when I was 8 I could not wear spegetti strap shirts because It might give people the wrong idea about me or something wasn't appropriate for girls my age to wear those kind. (he was very sexist.) But after 11yrs he changed alot for the better and I kinda like him now, we get along fine, and my mom treats my step-dad the same she treats me so I understand when he gets upset with her etc. and apparently defended him and I said because he was nice to me. and she just said something like oh well how nice is he. uh well he doesn't give me a hard time about every little thing and is just nice. I'm not sure what she thinks, sometimes I think she thinks we are having an affair or something which would be totally gross, cuz he is like my second dad. since I was 7 I've lived with him. Ewww no. I just know she gets jealous if we go and do something.
My nephews are 2 1/2yrs old and 21months old. the older one likes me at times, likes telling me no and playing hard to get, but my youngest nephew seems like he wants nothing to do with me. especially when my mom is around and it is like a game to her, when ever I pick him up and he is ok with me holding him she comes up and asks him if he wants her to hold him then he does. and she gets mad if I buy something for them without her going. and last time I bought them something she gave it to them and so they thought grandma got them the fun Car stuff. I don't know. I just don't think they will miss me too much If I wasn't around. They do fine without me so what would it hurt. They used to be the thing I thought was keeping me alive but I'm not sure, I'm starting to think they are better off without me.