Don't know what to do. Trigs possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Don't know what to do. Trigs possible
10
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:41pm
So my thoughts are back BACK 100% back and I'm ready to end my life asap but part of me doesn't want to but I can't go to a hosiptal I don't have the money to pay them I don't wanna call some stranger on the phone or whatever and I have no friends and nobody in my family right now that cares. So I'm not sure. Last night I went to kickball game with my work and my Mr.X showed up to play, and to top it off he brought his new and better G/F. I don't know why so soon as I saw her the tears started so I got on my phone and was talking to my brother like something had happened or something then I left. I couldn't stay with him and her there. I probably would have been fine with it because I don't care about him nor want him in my life but I was already depressed and that just sorta topped it off like yep nobody wants you, your stupid, ugly slut bag and not worth anything to anybody. He had to have known it would hurt me. So I just went to my brothers and he sorta comforted me and whatever so I cleaned myself up went home and went to bed. wanted to take pills but I didn't fell asleep to quickly. and not to mention Mr.X basically told me to drive off a cliff earlier in the day. I said I wanted to move out west to vegas and become a waitress or something but he said I needed to practice before I go so i'd be a star or whatever so I said or maybe I'll just go out there and drive off a cliff. and he said well ya you'll have enough practice driving on the way there. He apparently is not good with suicidal people. Like Thanks Buddy. Sike. I just wished someone would shoot me and put me out of my misery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 2:39pm

First

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2000
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:50pm

((((HUGS)))))

I am sorry you had such a rough experience. As for you, you need to focus on you. Getting you better and not looking back on the past. Your past is just that the past. Try avoiding where the X might show up. It is summer time and now is the time to start fresh.

My dad said this to me the other day because I am recently unemployed, "when one door shuts another one opens but some times the hallway in between can be hell". So right now you are going through the hell part and let me tell you, you are not alone. I am feeling pretty down myself because I am unemployed and feel worthless and why should I be here ect. But I am going to hang tough and try to think positive.

So watchingairplanes please don't go. We need you here. If you are not here there is no need for us to be friends to lean on when things are rough. SO if you feel lonely write to us.

HANG IN THERE. FLY HIGH ABOVE YOUR PAIN!
PS I love to watch airplanes with my husband. Are you an air traffic controller?

Shell
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:06pm

Hey Caitlin,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:56pm
Thanks Disneynut and everyone else that replied. I am still here, I was close to taking pills today at work but decided not to. But I heard my favorite Guy on the radio. Gary Allan's song Life Aint Always Beautiful... Love that man. He always cheers me up, no matter what and I thought about putting his music in but I didn't think this time he would help me. Oh and no I'm not an air traffic controller. Watching Airplanes is a new song on by Gary Allan. lol I changed my name from Livenlearn06 to watching airplanes to hopefully cheer me up everytime I log in. to remind me of Gary Allan, which by the way lost his wife to suicide in 2004 I believe that is the year. I'm not sure why I like listening to this guy so much but I do and he is my favorite. and Hearing the song on the radio was a reminder and is a good song to listen to when you think life is not worth living, it tells the truth. If you listen to the words. Not sure if you heard it before but I'd recomend it if you haven't. I'm not sure maybe it was a coincidence that the song came on right then or not. maybe it was a sign who knows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:00pm

Thank Lori,

It is funny how complete strangers over a website seem to care more about me than my own family and friends. But I suppose that is life. I'm feeling better now and I'll see my Therapist tomorrow and I guess talk to her aboutthat, She will probably demote me back to once a week again instead of every other week. bummer.

But now I feel bad because I went to quizno's for lunch today well dragged b/c a friend(I guess you could say) noticed I was down and must have felt sorry for me or whatever. And I don't really like sub's I'm not big on lunch meat etc but I got a sub but didn't eat with them when we got back from work I went to put my purse away and decided not to go back down to sit with them. They were picking on me about how I probably wouldn't eat it and I was a twig and I told my friend I didn't want to go because ofthat, I knowthey are just playing with me, but I wasn't in the mood for it. and he did stand up for me, asking if they were giving me too hard of a time. But I don't know. I kinda got super mad at him and took alot of my depressing thoughts out on him and anger with myself on him. And yet he still is my friend. And I don't know why. He should be long gone. I shouldn't even be speaking to this man and he still is here. But he did blow me off yesterday when I was down and needed someone to hang out with b/c I knew if I went home to my mom I would be B*tched at and complained to and do this do that blah blah blah and didn't need that right then. But he blew me off like always, so I guess he is just a nice co-worker friend or something. Not sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2000
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:12pm
I am a country music fan and know who you are talking about but can't recall hearing that song. I like to listen to JoDee Messina when I feel down. Or something from Kenny Chesney to help pick me up. Just keep hanging in there and join those coworkers for lunch just pack a lunch the next time so that you can actually eat and enjoy their company. It will distract you for a bit.
Shell
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:46am

Caitlin,


Just checking in with you to see how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:43am

Hey

I'm doing better I don't know what I was thinking the other day. yesterday was my appt. But I didn't geta chance to tell her about my thoughts and such about almost taking pills again. She asked about how my mother and I were getting alone and she sorta stayed on that topic. and talked a little about X but it was breif but then the session was over. and I won't be going back for 3 weeks. I'm supposed to be going every 2 weeks but I'll be going to colorado in like 10 days. so I won't be able to go in 2 weeks. so ya I don't know I did tell her I was depressed then got happy for a few days then depressed again. but it was mostly about me getting goals to move out and ready for that etc. So we'll see I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:34pm

(((Caitlan))) I hope you're feeling better. These thoughts will return & learning new ways to cope with them is the best revenge:) As time passes, you will get caught up in life & have fewer setbacks. Mr. Ex will be a distant memory. The attempt & the triggers will become less of an issue for you.


I have found that keeping my thoughts in the present works the best. I can literally make myself sick by looking back to things that were painful. I cannot change them anyway. My suggestion is to put them to the curb on waste management day! I know that occasionally they will sneak back, but put them out for pick-up again.


I do wish you had told the *t* about the thoughts. Maybe you should wear a string on your finger? LOL Or were you (perhaps) embarrassed to tell about their return. There is no shame in those thoughts. For sometime those thoughts were the only way you could see how to deal w/the depression & the stress in life. Now, you are keeping busy, making plans & even have a vacay in your futrue. That is GREAT!


Look forward! You are doing the best that you can. GL! Keep in touch. We care:) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:40pm
I might have been embarassed a little about telling her and I was going to tell her but she stopped me and sell well we need to schedule for the next time. so I'm not sure. Mr. Ex didn't understand why I thought he was and a$$ to me in the past and asked me why I thought that and told him and he actually understood... I think he didn't say much and I didn't want to bring the past back up. I enjoy not going back to that. I'm doing better, just tired alot and don't think I'm back to non-sucidal Caitlin because I'm dizzy all the time like I was before I got help and I'm running into walls. but that might just be my clumsy ness too. Not sure.