I've discovered
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| Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:22am |
I know that many here have probably long ago discovered this bright idea that I have had in the past few days but it feels pretty monumental to me so I thought I'd share. If nothing else, maybe it can just serve as a reminder to someone here.
The past weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I seem to swing from low to high and back down again for no apparent reason. In therapy I am working with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), a pretty intense form of therapy that, for me, has been rough but very effective. One of the most difficult things about EMDR is that in between therapy sessions there are a lot of memories and emotions that begin to resurface. I've been given the appropriate tools to work with this resurfacing but at times it gets pretty intense.
My T is on vacation, and I certainly have no problem with that. He gave me the names/numbers of his colleagues should I need them. I'm a bit uncomfortable talking with someone I do not know, it takes a very long time for me to put much trust in others.
Before T left he made sure that I was in a safe place emotionally. Well, of course, in the time that he's been gone, I have had some pretty ugly stuff revealing itself in the form of flashbacks and dreams. One of these dreams has made me feel really low about myself and the awful thoughts have made their way into my mind once again. These are thoughts of self injury, self medicating, and "I don't deserve to be here." A couple of times in the past week I knew I was getting deep into a really bad place and I began to feel overwhelmed because T is not around to talk to. Finally, out of desperation, I called a trusted friend who knows some of what I struggle with. I have found that just simply giving voice to the harmful thoughts is enough to get me back on the right track. To hear myself actually say "I'm thinking of doing something to hurt myself" is like a jolt back to reality. It's as though the vocalization of the words actually stops the harmful process in it's tracks.
T has instructed me to use my senses to redirect my thoughts. For example, yesterday I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor and the negative feelings came flooding in so fast and furious that I felt immobilized there on the floor. The emotional pain was intense and I needed to stop the pain one way or another. I was able to get up off of the floor and got myself a really cold glass of lemonade and stood in front of the freezer door for a while with my hands on the cold products in the freezer. I took out a bottle of vanilla extract and held it to my nose, trying to utilize as many of my senses as I could. Then I called my friend. I did not talk to her for long, just long enough to hear myself say "I'm having thoughts of ______" I finished my lemonade, brushed my teeth, and felt so much better and turned on some happy music. My friend called back a few minutes later "just to be sure" and said I sounded much stronger in my voice.
I feel almost silly writing all of this but it just feels like a sense of relief. It's like grabbing hold of a lifeline. It's as though the words validate the feelings. It's simply saying here's what I'm feeling/thinking..... I'm not crazy, I'm not weak. I'm sane enough, strong enough to know and to say that this is what I'm feeling. I am thankful to have been able to wrap my brain around and have the oppurtunity to utilize the tool of my senses. I'm not likely to forget the dramatic difference these simple steps made.
Again, not sure why I shared this but, just felt inclined I suppose.
Lucky

Wow, Lucky thank you for sharing that! It's funny how sometimes we get this feeling to do or say something and don't know why but often it turns out that it was relevant and someone else needed those words or actions to validate their own feelings or for other reasons. I know that your words really spoke to me and validated what I was trying to explain to my own therapist just yesterday so thank you!
Hi Lori,
While we are not exactly working with DBT, my T uses techniques from a lot of different therapy concepts. He has taught me a great deal about "mindfulness" or mind/body awareness and we utilize this awareness during every session. I also do a great deal of work with inner parts. For quite sometime before beginning EMDR he had me practice relaxation and focusing on what I am feeling. When a memory is triggered unexpectedly I have learned to say "I've been triggered", thus validating what is happening. This alone often lessens my response to the trigger.
In the beginning I was terrified of EMDR but it, in conjunction with all these other techniques has proven to be the perfect form of therapy for me. I'm not big on talking and EMDR allows me to focus hard on the truth of what really took place during the abuse and yet there is no need for a lot of words. The only thing really necessary is awareness. EMDR is very intense and very painful but it feels very controlable. It allows me to take all of the pain of a horrific past and work on it one segment at a time. Although I know there is pain involved in every little segment, EMDR allows me to push right through it, feel it, acknowledge it, and come out the other side.
Without question, gicning voice to our feelings and fears, breaks the power the hold on us.
Lucky
LUCKY
That is wonderful, Lucky! Thanks so much for sharing!
It is good that you recognize that keeping a connection open to someone is to your advantage. It is a safety net we should all have in place. Many times it is suggested that we contact someone when we have the overwhelming thoughts of harming ourselves, but the depression & our *inner critic* tells us that noone cares or wants to be bothered or we are weak or we should be ashamed to tell, etc. etc. etc. None of that is true!
As for stimulating the senses, that is often taught to folks with panic attacks.(I would be one;) It redirects our minds & gives us a chance to focus on a good sensation, rather than the thoughts. I once had a boardie tell me that eating a tic-tac would stop her panic. Seems right to me! It's good that you have learned these techniques. We all need to have a bag of tricks available when we need to stop the *stinkin' thinkin'.* You have no idea how many ppl have read your post & have been helped by it.
I wish you continued success with your *t.* You should be proud of yourself that you're doing so well on your own. GL! (((hugs))) jan