New to the board and looking for support
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| Thu, 07-26-2007 - 7:21pm |
Hello ladies,
My name is GT36 and I have been having suicidal thoughts and feelings lately. I am new to the board and honestly have never admitted this to someone before but.......
I recently lost my job, this is the 3rd job loss in 4 years, I have never been in a loving relationship, I have extreme self esteem issues and body image issues and I am constantly in a financial struggle.......
I have noticed recently that I have been fighting the urge to ram my car into things, everytime I am driving, I want to run my car off of a bridge and just end it.....
Whenever I see water, I want to go into the deep end of it and just never come out....
Lately, I have been fantasizing about wrapping something around my neck and just pulling until I stop breathing....
The only thing that has stopped me is the fact that my family doesn't deserve to be hurt by my untimely death......
Then I began to think, it's a wimpy way out to kill myself and not face up to the issues in my life......
However, I noticed that I keep having these thoughts and I have even gone to sleep just begging God to not let me wake up.....
Yes, I am seeking therapy and yes, I am doing some deep soul searching but I noticed how frequent the thoughts have been lately and I guess I was just looking for some help from people who have been there......
I am single, 36 with no children. While there are aspects of my single life that I do love, I do get profoundly lonely and can't imagine living 36 more years all by myself....
Which is why I have often thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to end it now, but then I think that it's wrong and I should just learn to deal......
2 of my favorite artists Michael Hutchings and Phyliss Hyman committed suicide and when they did it, I cursed them because they didn't realize the beauty in themselves and the great talent......
But now, I get it. You just want to love yourself and you don't know how. You just want to be happy and you don't know how, you just want things in your life to go right for more than a second.....
You want to free yourself from bad habits, but you can't and they are consuming you and you just want it all to stop........
Thank you for listening ladies and don't worry. I probably don't have the guts to really do it and I don't want to hurt my mother that way, but it's been heavy on my mind and I just had to share.....
I promise I am seeking therapy, very, very soon.
GT36

Hi GT36,
You've done well in coming here and posting. It's a first step to getting some of these thoughts and feelings under control. I'm thankful that you recognize your need for a therapist. I want to caution you not to underestimate the power of those thoughts and feelings you have. There was once a time when I too thought that I would never actually go through with any sort of an attempt at suicide. After all, I have 6 children who need me. I found out the hard way that those feelings can become so consuming that you can lose sight of all those things that keep you from carrying out any ideas. The feelings you have are important, they need to be listened to and investigated.
While I cannot begin to understand what it is like to be single and feel alone, I am very familiar with feeling alone. There are people all around me every minute of every day and yet still I often feel very alone. Are there things in your community that you can become involved in? Perhaps volunteering your time for someone in need? Church or other organizations? I have found that often giving of ourselves and our time brings a sense of meaning to life. It helps others and makes us feel really good.
I recommend that you begin a journal of your thoughts and emotions. Write to your journal as if it is your best friend. Give as many or few details as you need. Journaling allows the feelings to be expressed in a safe healthy way. It's important when thoughts, like the ones you've described, assail us to be able to redirect our thoughts and our focus.
Be kind to yourself. Please continue to some here for support. I think you'll find that everyone is very kind and understanding.
HUGS
Lucky
LUCKY
Hi GT and welcome to the board. I am glad you found us--though, as is always the case, sorry that anyone has to have such pain so as to need us. But, like the others here, I have been there and so I know that help and healing ARE possible!
You are/have been a teacher...generally a very well liked and respected position with in a community. And you are a wise teacher because you have recognized that pain can touch anyone and everyone and that no one is immune to hard times. You clearly want help and I commend you for reaching out here and doing what it takes to turn your life around.
Welcome to our caring community. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. Your *plans* are very specific, explicit & lethal. That makes me very worried. I am unsure why you are waiting to get help. Seeking *real life* support should be your priority.
Lori & Lucky have given you some good advice. Here is more: Need to talk? Call toll-free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 1-800-SUICIDE (National Hopeline Network) or 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline).
Read more @: http://emotional.health.ivillage.com/suicideinformation
Please keep yourself safe. We care. Post an update, as you are important to us. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Thank you so much!! Everything you said was "spot on" and exactly what I am going through....
As far as financial trouble goes, I don't have outstanding debts, but if I don't get a job in the next couple of months, I will......
I just have no money to do anything fun or interesting......
I called someone today and I have an appointment on Monday at 9:15am for an evaluation....
I think if I just had someone to talk to, just someone I can be completely open and honest with and get some ideas on how I can make changes, I know I will be alright....
It took another job loss for me to figure out that I am unhappy and I need help.....
I am getting help and I won't give up, I promise I won't. I can't do that to my mother, she isn't exactly mentally healthy either, but she won't help herself....
I was never abused sexually as a child, but I did engage in sex much too soon because of a lack of a good father figure in the home (and a myriad of other reasons).....
I don't want to just blame family of origin for my problems, because even though that's where all things started, I continued it......
I had all these dreams and plans for my life and none of them have worked out.....
And only now do I realize that my life wasn't set up to reach the goals and plans I had......
Furthermore, I cannot understand why no man has ever loved me. I wasn't always like this and yet there has never been one guy who ever cared beyond the sex......
Next is my life at school. I was teased so badly through school that I began to believe people's perceptions of me, I was ugly and not worth being asked out......
Every man since high school has just been there for the sex and when I realized that, I had to walk away.....
I have read self help books, gone to therapy before, wrote in my journal and even talked to people....
Sure I felt better for awhile, but it all goes to pot......
I move around alot, I change jobs alot, I try different things, hoping it will help and it does, for a moment and then I am right back where I started.....
I have probably been depressed for the better part of 10 years and didn't really deal with it and now every time I wake up in the morning, I wish I hadn't.......
But all I can think about is my little puppy who will be sent to a shelter if I am not around and my mother who will fall completely apart if I do it, so I don't, I keep going....
But I don't want to get to the day where I don't care and just do it.......
It always seems like everyone else's life goes better than mine and I know that's just a misperception on my part, but it seems that others can cope and I can't.....
All is not lost, I feel better just know that I will be evaluated on Monday. I honestly don't want medication. I have never been on medication in my life. I just want someone to talk to and some strategies that will help me.....
I want to be happy and content with my life. I may never be a mother and wife and I want to really feel like that's okay. Not just say it, feel it. It's okay that I won't have children. I don't want to feel like my life is worth nothing because I didn't reach the goals I wanted......
Thanks so much for reaching out to me and understanding. I do want to live. I do want to live, I just want to live happy. I want to learn how to make the choice to be happy. I know I won't be everyday, that's normal, but most days, no matter what comes my way, I want to be happy, I want to CHOOSE HAPPINESS.....
Thanks Lori!!
GT36
Edited 7/27/2007 2:34 pm ET by greatteacher32
Hey GT,
Well, I had my evaluation today......
Of course it was a ton of questions and she asked me "Are you sad today" I said "Yes" she said, "why" I said, "because I had to come here. who wants to admit something is wrong with them...."
Believe me, I almost did not go, but then I thought how can I be serious about helping myself if I back out now.....
Although, I must say after calling, I didn't have any more thoughts of driving off a cliff so that is better.....
I also think that I knew my financial status had improved and I was going to be okay, so that did lift some pressure, but it's not a cure all because everytime I have problems, I feel this way.......
So my next appointment is on the 7th and I am praying I can be helped without meds, because I seriously don't want to rely on meds to help me......
No disrespect to anyone who takes them, but I don't want to.....
GT36
HI GT!
The first step is always the hardest but I am glad you did it!
Congrats on getting to that appointment in spite of not wanting to go. That took alot of strength.
Many folks on our board do take meds. They have their place in treatment. However, our community will support you in whatever avenue you choose to regain your balance. There's lots of alternatives out there & you CAN be successful without meds. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi GT and CONGRATS on setting up that appt and esp. for KEEPING it! It will take time for you to build up trust with this person and to determine if you two are a "good fit" and can work together but this is a great start and your ability and willingness to be honest about what you are feeling and why is going to serve you well in this area just as it does in other areas of your life!
Thanks everyone......
Everytime I am in a bad situation,these thoughts come on, so there is something wrong that I would even think it......
Believe me, when I was in college and failing miserably in some classes, I wanted to drive off a cliff......
When I a guy suddenly decides he doesn't like me, I believe his perception of me and start self-hating.....
My inner monologue is awful, you won't believe the things I say to myself......
I hate failing at anything and when I do, over and over again, I want to end it, because I feel like my life should be "together" by now.....
It's like, I got a new job finally and although I am happy to have the choice to work, but I don't want to teach anymore because I keep messing up the one thing I am good at...
I don't know how to accept that my profession cares nothing for me and I am only a means to an end.....
There is literally no support for teachers and if you have any emotional challenges like I do, it will make a bad situation much worse.....
So I took the job, only for the sake of bills and my puppy who needs constant care.....
I have to now strike a better balance of remembering that noone cares for me but me and give my all knowing that nothing will be given back in return........
Sure you make wonderful friends, have great vacation time and there are always one or two kids who you do reach, which is the only reason you even keep going, but for the most part your feelings are not respected and noone cares how you feel.....
I will stay with the therapy and it's no disrespect to anyone on meds, I know they have their place, but I have never had to take anything more than Tylenol 3 for my root canal, I am not hip to having to pop a pill daily.....
I don't want to fall into chemical dependancy. Not saying that will happen or that others are addicted, I just pray that I can be helped without it.....
We will see. Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement ladies. I am going to keep striving and pushing. I know I will get better. I think that going through therapy while I am working will help me to cope better with the stresses of my job and life......
I also hope this experience will teach me how to not be so angry with myself....
GT36