Guess who's back

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Guess who's back
3
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:40am
Hi everyone!!!! Hope you are all having a great weekend. As for me, life has been pretty eventful lately but hey I am glad I stuck around for the sequel :-) So, There is something I absolutely have to share! First off, to cut the story short, new guy is a psycho so not really worth any more of my time, but that is an entirely different story. Now for the big news! Guess who is back in my life! 3 years later the one I usually refer to as the love of my life whilst moaning in your sympathetic ears is back. Yup, the boyfriend I was living with at the time of the rape, the one that left me without explanation, the one that started this vicious circle of abandonement. There was a phonecall (I was actually calling his sister for some books, not knowing that he has her number now. I haven't spoken to her either in a long time)We spoke for about an hour or so and the warmth in his voice that was so familiar was there. He was genuinely happy to hear my voice, said he had been worried, and that he wanted to reach me sooner but I was gone without a trace (true, but before I was forced out of the country I spent 2 months trying to communicate with him and he avoided me but anyway) after catching up on our news he told me that I should never doubt how much he loved me back then and that there were things I didn't know but maybe it is time to talk face to face (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and he can come to visit me once i am back home in September. He confessed that he blamed himself for what happened to me that night as he had left me alone in the bar after the fight for my assailant to approach me and thathe always felt guilty about not being able to support me enough through the ordeal. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about that. I still have very strong feelings for him but they are mixed. I have lost faith (Plus he could be married with children for all I know) I don't know what it all means. I want him to be happy (with or without me, that is irrelevant) but I am too scared to see this as a positive thing (I am thinking of not calling him in September) Don't get me wrong, I am not still in love but if you love someone so deeply you simply don't stop loving them because you don't see them anymore (am I making sense?)I am kind of hyperventilating here! This void of not knowing why we ended has had very bad consequences in my life and now, 3 years later I might find out exactly what went down.
Life is pretty bizarre, isn't it?
What does everybody think about that? Just curious because I can not decode my feelings yet...
Love and warm hugs
Rosaura
PS On a humorous note, I had a bit too much to drink at a party two nights ago and let this guy kiss me. Didn't want to but still didn't react. Felt embarassed like hell the next morning. Thought I'd let you know Lori that it didn't take me a year to kiss someone (although this is not what I had in mind lol)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:56am

Hey Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:24pm

Hmm... I am always suspicious of guys & their motives. I would take this very slowly. If nothing else, meeting him in September could give you the closure you have been seeking since his disapearance from your life.


I think you have every right to be questioning & I am glad to hear you say that you're not sure what you're feeling @ this point. Proceeding w/caution is always best. Keep in touch! GL! (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 4:59pm
Hi Jan!!!!! Nice to see you again! I am also very suspicious about men's motives so I am not really sure what it all means. For now I am willing to just keep the fact that there was no ugliness between us (ok there never really was any but a dissapearing act is not very trust inspiring) and that he still cares about me on some level. I have no idea what the future holds for us, (a proper goodbye and closure , a friendship down the line, romance again)but I hate being afraid to hope. I hope for resolution instead. Not sure he is available, not sure I am up for it given the pain that the relationship caused me in the first place. I am not rejecting the idea of meeting with him in September or when the time is right, just need my time to think through it and be clear about my expectations. It was a pretty strong thing we once had, have to be careful. Still I never would have guessed that the rape had affected him so much. I am just keeping the warm fuzzy feeling I got talking to him for what it is, nothing more nothing less. Time will tell what if anything this means.
Have a fantastic weekend and thanks to both you and Lori for being there to listen. i am always thrilled to hear from you.
Love and hugs
Rosaura (getting ready for some surfing on the weekend!!!!)