trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
trigs
6
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:34pm
Hello to Everyone, been a little while since I've come here. Haven't been feeling as well as I was or wish I could be,,,,,never super but not always crawling on my knees sort of thing. Lately have been thinking about SU a lot. It just seems to douse my mind with all the good and then not so good things that will come with it. Sometimes I am in such inner pain I feel like I am clawing at the air around me just trying to get out of where I am in right then. I cry and cry and feel worse and more depressed at how I am handling my feelings. I actually ended up talking to my husband about how I was feeling, how I was just so tired of this life and how I wanted to, how I needed to leave it. Sometimes he sits quietly and listens and then other times he is cruel and so insensitive and makes me feel even worse for having thought I could confide in him. He told me there was no point in continuing my life insurance for someone who is going to kill themselves. I thought about that and wondered how I could get around that because they would cancel it if he told them. When I try to express the pain that is in me he sneers and again laughs because I know he just doesn't understand what I mean to say I hurt so much inside I want to die to make it stop. Now he is pulling all of this up at different times to throw back at me, says it outloud so other people can hear, and makes me want to just put a gun in my mouth while standing in front of him to shut him up. I don't know or think I will ever know what it is to be happy, sincerely deeply happy and content with my life. I am exhausted from playing mind games with others and myself, pretending all the time just to keep others from knowing and to keep them at least relatively happy. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life is too hard for some of us. It isn't fair that I can't figure out how to allow joy seep into me, and it isn't fair that I have to be here when I don't want to be here. Thanks at least for letting me put some of this down,,,,,thanks for allowing me that. Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:02am

Abby~


First ((HUGS)) to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:46am

Hi Abby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:58pm

Hi, Abby. I am sorry to hear how you're feeling): That's a shame the problems have intensified. Like Lori has said, your husband's attitude is not supportive & unlikely to change after so long a time. You have the ability to control how much, how little

 

 


 



Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:31am
Abby, I've been struggling with the idea of responding to this message as well as possibly starting a thread on my own. I don't have ANY answers and I imagine that my saying that I can relate in major ways to your struggle won't do you much good either. I don't know if it would be helpful to you for me to say how I understand the everyday struggle of just moving, even an inch and often times the pure exhaustion it takes to just inhale and exhale. I know it sounds stupid, but I understand the complete and all engulfing exhaustion. I have to wonder tho if the communication with your dh is a good thing or not, it would seem like it should be to at least know that you can tell someone around you how you feel even if they do not respond in the way you want them to altho if you're like me, you don't really know how you want them to respond. Such an internal battle. People who respond or react to those of us that are suffering have no idea what they are doing or saying alot of the time as I'm sure at times they would feel attacked. I know right now I am totally fearful of evening mentioning of my current mental status to my dh for fear of the fallout from it. I think that he will take it as a stab at him and he'll turn it around to me not caring even or loving or whatever. So then I wonder, maybe that really is the case. I dunno. I don't mean to ramble. I do hear you about life being to hard and exhausting and what if there are some of us who may not have been cut out to deal with it (my own thinking here!). I don't know if I've made any sense what so ever I tend to get a little on the disconnected side after taking a sleeping pill. Sorry. I really don't know what I wanted to say since I'm not any help to anyone.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 7:44am
Hello Dear Sandra,,,,and I thank you for all you wrote to me. It means so much that you shared your thoughts with me as you did,,,,you 'are' a help,,,,honest you are. It helps in some small way hearing that the things that I think and feel are not just mine alone. Like for instance deciding whether to talk to your husband or not, needing to but not always getting the response you are wishing for, and then deciding not to say anything at all for fear of reprecussion. I did not think for once that you were rambling Sandra, I thought how sweet and brave it was of you to respond to what I had written especially when you are struggling yourself right now. I have learned that no one really does have the answers we want or need to hear. Some people try their best to offer comfort, reasons and solutions but after awhile they all just become garbled up into a tangle of words that for me have just made me too tired to try to untangle. I have learned however that I cannot share all I want with my husband because of the things he's said to me lately. That just shuts down one more avenue for me but it wasn't a very secure one anyway,
Ha,,,,,look who's rambling on now. I just needed to answer you to let you know that I appreciate all you wrote and as said to me,,," I understand,,," I hope today offers you some relief,,,I hope today some happiness can be strong enough to push its way inside of you,,,,Thank you again,,,,Warm hugs,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 8:46pm
May I first say a belated thank you to those who responded to my post. I am sorry for the delay but I just wasn't able to come here as often as I wanted to because I was feeling so very unsafe. I am still not great but better than I was,,for now anyway. That is one of the most difficult parts for me, knowing 'it' will come back and bring all those dreadful thoughts and feelings with it. I did go and see my psychdoc today. I told him what a dreadful past few weeks it has been for me. After being cautious in what I said I told him of my SU thoughts and plans. He asked me what would I do if my husband forcibly took me to the hospital when I was like that ? I just looked at him rather blankly and stated,,,,,'Oh he'd never do that.' It is scary and a risk to say too much to anyone especially someone who could take control and put you where you don't want to go. He never put me anywhere the time I tried to hang myself so knowing that I thought to myself I was probably relatively safe discussing SU with him. I honestly think he doesn't know what to do with me. He said today that I was,,,,'very interesting, considering all I've done and gone through.' ,,,,, still pondering that statement. Yes I am on different meds and yes I see him on a regular basis. That aside I wanted to please ask if anyone could offer me some suggestions of what to do, what to think, anything that could help stifle those bad and upsetting feelings when they come. Often they are spurred on by something happening 'here' and they just esculate to the point where I am feeling I am losing total control because I can't calm myself or make the bad thoughts go away. I remove myself from the source (when I can) but just knowing I have to return and now they are activated in my head,,,,well it is just so terribly difficult for me. I do unsafe things which I'd rather not talk about here. My apologies for the length of this, and I know I am all over the place with what I am trying to say. If anything please just know I appreciate greatly your consoling words, your supportive thoughts,,,,,they really do help. Abby