trigs
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trigs
| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:34pm |
Hello to Everyone, been a little while since I've come here. Haven't been feeling as well as I was or wish I could be,,,,,never super but not always crawling on my knees sort of thing. Lately have been thinking about SU a lot. It just seems to douse my mind with all the good and then not so good things that will come with it. Sometimes I am in such inner pain I feel like I am clawing at the air around me just trying to get out of where I am in right then. I cry and cry and feel worse and more depressed at how I am handling my feelings. I actually ended up talking to my husband about how I was feeling, how I was just so tired of this life and how I wanted to, how I needed to leave it. Sometimes he sits quietly and listens and then other times he is cruel and so insensitive and makes me feel even worse for having thought I could confide in him. He told me there was no point in continuing my life insurance for someone who is going to kill themselves. I thought about that and wondered how I could get around that because they would cancel it if he told them. When I try to express the pain that is in me he sneers and again laughs because I know he just doesn't understand what I mean to say I hurt so much inside I want to die to make it stop. Now he is pulling all of this up at different times to throw back at me, says it outloud so other people can hear, and makes me want to just put a gun in my mouth while standing in front of him to shut him up. I don't know or think I will ever know what it is to be happy, sincerely deeply happy and content with my life. I am exhausted from playing mind games with others and myself, pretending all the time just to keep others from knowing and to keep them at least relatively happy. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life is too hard for some of us. It isn't fair that I can't figure out how to allow joy seep into me, and it isn't fair that I have to be here when I don't want to be here. Thanks at least for letting me put some of this down,,,,,thanks for allowing me that. Abby

Abby~
First ((HUGS)) to you!
Hi Abby,
Hi, Abby. I am sorry to hear how you're feeling): That's a shame the problems have intensified. Like Lori has said, your husband's attitude is not supportive & unlikely to change after so long a time. You have the ability to control how much, how little
Sandra.
Ha,,,,,look who's rambling on now. I just needed to answer you to let you know that I appreciate all you wrote and as said to me,,," I understand,,," I hope today offers you some relief,,,I hope today some happiness can be strong enough to push its way inside of you,,,,Thank you again,,,,Warm hugs,,,,,Abby