The Struggle Continues,,,,trigz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
The Struggle Continues,,,,trigz
2
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 6:49pm
Still not where I wish I could be. It is funny somehow,,,,I have these ups that are almost manic and then I can drop like a stone to the bottom of a pond. My husband just isn't there for me. He did however tell me that our kids would be devestated and after a pause said he would be too should I go through with what we talking about. I did tell my psychdoc how I was feeling, how the SU feelings are always bouncing around inside my head and how somedays they seem to saturate my thoughts. I told my psychdoc how I drive fast and sometimes while intoxicated, how I take my bike at night on 4 lanes of traffic and just want something to hit me, how I drive my bike at night in unsafe areas in the fields, how I drink every single day now,,,,,I tell him these things among other things and he asks me if my husband would take me to ER if he felt I was a threat to myself. I pondered that for a few seconds and then told him that no I don't think he would do that or anything. My psychdoc knows how I tried to hang myself a few months ago but the rope broke,,,he didn't do anything or change anything. Am I crying out for some help or am I just not yelling loud enough ? I always thought it would be my children that would cement my feet to this world,,,,but last session I told my psychdoc that I can think past that now,,,,I can think of them without me and not have that 'punch in the gut' panic I used to have envisioning them without me. I told him at times I feel this sense of relief, of a strange but uncomfortable kind of peace, of surrender of not having to battle it all anymore. I am tired of the battles, the lies, the stage-playing, the everything that one does to portray to the world that you are doing just 'fine.' I have to be honest that a part of me is afraid,,,,,,,not of dying,,,,,,but of the unknown of what happens after. Today at work a girl told us about a man who killed himself this weekend because his wife left him after 23 years. His wife is being shunned by family and friends because of his choice and because the other people need someone to blame. I think it is sad for the woman left to think she played a part in his decision,,,,but I can also think how that man now no longer hurts like he was hurting before,,,,,,,he put the fire out that was buring him up inside. My doctor hasn't changed my meds, he just has me come in every 2 weeks. I said to him that I don't really even know why I am here, what is the reason, what is the point? He didn't have an answer for me besides telling me that he thought I was a very interesting woman for all I am going through and all I have gone through. (whatever the heck that is suppose to mean) I go again in a few days and I don't know what to say (or do) to make it any different this time. I tell him when I cut though I don't show him,,,,,but maybe this time I should do a good job and let him see it,,,maybe then he might look at me a little more closely. Only thing is,,,,,SI'ing isn't a SU thing and he most likely is aware of that. Thanks anyway for reading this long monologue,,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:27pm

Hi Abby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:56pm

Your constant thoughts of SU remind me of when I had them. My pdoc changed my meds & focused on treating my OCD, rather than my depression. I don't know why your pdoc hasn't suggested changes in your treatment, Abby. You're scaring me, that's for sure!