how do you stop the thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
how do you stop the thoughts
14
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:28pm

This is my first time to this board. I used to post on the Depression board. I've been dealing with severe depression for about 15 years now. I think about suicide a lot. I am on meds and seeing a therapist and am completely honest with my docs about the thoughts. I won't do it. But not because I don't want to. I am just too responsible to actually affect other people's lives that way. I know it would cause problems for my family. I am a business owner with a partner and it would really cause a problem for my business partner and the fledgling business. I just can't hurt other people that way.

The problem is, I want to so bad. And have for a few years now. I don't want to live like this, but I don't even want to get better. I was asked the other day by someone - not a doctor or therapist - what my goals are. The only one I could think of is dying. And this was a business conversation.

So how does someone change that. If it were just an occasional thing when I'm feeling bad I could see how that could change. But can someone actually go from it being the one thing in the world that they really want to actually not wanting it? Does my therapist actually stand a chance helping me if it's not what I want - to be helped.

I know technically these are irrational thoughts but they seem so rational to me. How do I even begin to change those thoughts? I soooooooooo want to die. It's the one thing that makes me smile. But I won't ruin other lives. So I'm stuck. I can't have the one thing in the world that I wan't because I'm nice. So I have to live against my will. It doesn't make sense to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:00pm

Hi Pathheal and welcome to the board... although, I'm sorry you are hurting so badly as to need such a place I am glad we can be here!


There have been a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 11:17am

Hello! Welcome:)


I am sorry to hear what you're facing. This is tough. Several years ago, I was constantly plagued with thoughts of dying & suicide. After some time, my pdoc took a different approach & treated my OCD, rather than my depression. It did work though it took some time. The thoughts *were* obssessive.


Nowadays depression is recognized as a chemical imbalance. Many times it is triggered by stress & major life events. As always, loss plays a huge part. It can be another person's death or the loss of your job or your feeling of safety, etc. If this is the case for you, can you work on regaining some balance? Returning to wherever you were in life when this started.


I know this will sound corny, but good physical health plays a large part in our mental health. Do you exercise? That increases the production of endorphins, the *Feel good* hormones that give us a sense of well-being. Do you get enough sleep? Do you eat healthily? Are you avoiding refined sugars, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol? Are you on any medications for health problems that contribute to depression? There's alot of them that rob us very slowly of our joy in life.


De-stressing is essential. Giving up the thought that you can control every last detail of your life, is a real eye-opener. Sometimes we just have to sit back & allow unpleasant thoughts to pass over us or through us. You are soooo right when you say they're irrational. They are NOT you. Noone will ever define you by these thoughts. Meditation has brought me more balance. Also, if you're spiritual by nature, giving the thoughts over to your Higher Power is a good idea.


I wish you the best on regaining your wellness. It CAN be done. You CAN & WILL get better. We care about you. Don't be a stranger. GBU! (((hugs))) jan





 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 5:50pm

Thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 5:55pm

Thanks for your input.

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 9:08pm




Edited 9/12/2009 9:44 am ET by alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 12:23am

Anyway, I don't want to keep whining.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 4:06am

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing.

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 9:29am
I am new to iVilliage my therapist actually suggested it
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 12:00pm

Hi Emotional35 and welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly right now and have been through so much but I'm glad you found us. Tell your therapist ivillage thanks her for the "referral!" *Wink*


It's hard having a spouse or partner who doesn't understand--or any significant person in our lives who "doesn't get it"--for that matter! Your husband is probably not intentionally trying to be mean (that is my hope anyway!) but perhaps is afraid for you, the children and yes, even himself. To some people who don't understand depression, they think it is a character flaw or simply a matter of will and motivation to "snap out of it." Or else they think that a pill "once a day"--much like a vitamin is going to be a "quick fix." For many of us who've suffered in this way, it just doesn't work like that! Depression, Bi-polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Dysthymia....all of these are ILLNESSES that are just as legitimate as a physical illness and they deserve that same respect and treatment.


It sounds like your husband wants you to fire your therapist out of frustration that she can't "make you better." I think he sorely needs educating on Bi-polar Disorder. This is a significant (though not insurmountable) diagnosis and he should not expect quick fixes. It takes work--not only emotional work and time but also the right combination of medication and often these medications need changing or adjusting. And that can be true for anyone who suffers from Depression--just as it can with a physical illness.


Also, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. To lose a mom is a significant thing and I don't think it's "by accident" that you happened to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after her death. As with treating your illness, grief takes time and you can't just "snap out of it" although, with grief, time does have a way of helping us to heal.


You mentioned your therapist wanting you to be hospitalized again due to your suicidal thoughts. I just want to urge you to do whatever it takes to stay alive and stay safe! You are not an unfit mother but a wounded one! And yes, your emotional wounds HAVE and WILL have an impact on your children which is why it is VITALLY important that you do whatever it takes that is healthy and positive to GET HELP! IF deep down, you feel that this therapist is HELPING you, then by all means, stick with it but my advice would be, DON'T stay with a therapist just because you "like" her IF she isn't able to move you forward on this healing journey. If you're seeing improvement--even if it's slow but mostly steady, then I'd say you are on the right track!


Have you had your meds evaluated lately? Does your doctor feel they are right or perhaps need changing? Are you physically healthy and have you had a physical recently? I ask this because many times, physical illness can cause or exacerbate depressive symptoms and you don't need that complication!


If it's going to take a hospitalization to get yourself back to where you are feeling more stable, then my suggestion would be to do it! Killing yourself is NOT the answer! There are support groups out there, crisis lines, therapy groups--and people who care. But more importantly, there are your children who love and NEED you. You yourself know how it feels to lose your mom. Kids only get one mom for the most part---treat her with care, ok? And please feel free to post whenever you'd like! Hugs, Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 12:10pm

Welcome to our community. I am very sorry to hear what you're feeling. I know that it's very important in our recovery to have supportive folks around. I fear this is not the case with your husband. I can assure you, that we will listen without judgement & try to stand in for the support you need.


I can't tell you what to do. I would like to share my story in hopes that you'll reconsider your decision on the day program. My depression & suicidal thoughts became so intense, that I was non-functioning. I reached a point where I didn't care for myself, my house & my kids. It CAN happen. When I was faced with the reality of losing my kids, then I sought help. I was so scared. I now know that I shouldn't have let it go that far. Keeping yourself well is essential. If you aren't in a good place & are placing yourself @ risk, you will never be able to fully function as a mom & care for your children. I have 2 dd's. They didn't understand @ the time, but now they can look back & remember me asleep on the couch 24/7. They like me better now:) They understand about the depression since they're mature. TBH, they want me well. If given an option even as youngsters, they still would have wanted me well. They certainly would have wanted me to live & not carry through w/the thoughts of suicide.


I hope you will continue in treatment & take the course best for you. Not what other ppl think is best. If your husband doesn't understand about the chemical component to depression, perhaps he would attend a session w/you & your *t.* There's many misconceptions about mental illness & your husband may not have the knowledge he needs to help you regain your wellness.


We care & want to see you succeed. Don't be a stranger. Keep yourself safe & number one! GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan





 

 


 



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