how do you stop the thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
how do you stop the thoughts
14
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:28pm

This is my first time to this board. I used to post on the Depression board. I've been dealing with severe depression for about 15 years now. I think about suicide a lot. I am on meds and seeing a therapist and am completely honest with my docs about the thoughts. I won't do it. But not because I don't want to. I am just too responsible to actually affect other people's lives that way. I know it would cause problems for my family. I am a business owner with a partner and it would really cause a problem for my business partner and the fledgling business. I just can't hurt other people that way.

The problem is, I want to so bad. And have for a few years now. I don't want to live like this, but I don't even want to get better. I was asked the other day by someone - not a doctor or therapist - what my goals are. The only one I could think of is dying. And this was a business conversation.

So how does someone change that. If it were just an occasional thing when I'm feeling bad I could see how that could change. But can someone actually go from it being the one thing in the world that they really want to actually not wanting it? Does my therapist actually stand a chance helping me if it's not what I want - to be helped.

I know technically these are irrational thoughts but they seem so rational to me. How do I even begin to change those thoughts? I soooooooooo want to die. It's the one thing that makes me smile. But I won't ruin other lives. So I'm stuck. I can't have the one thing in the world that I wan't because I'm nice. So I have to live against my will. It doesn't make sense to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 2:07pm
I just want to say thank you for responding to my post. It's nice to know that there is someone out there who
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 6:14pm
We are glad to be able to offer support! I too am hopeful that you get to talk to your psychiatrist before your dh gets home if that is what will be most helpful in terms of opening up to the doctor. If not, perhaps you can leave a message for the doctor giving him/her a choice of several times that WOULD be good to return your call? Let us know how it goes and please take good care of you! Hugs, Lori
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 9:40am

I tried to let you know sooner how things were going with me but my husband caught me and he got very angry. So to make peace with him I had to tell him how I have been feeling, he seemed to be understanding to a point or I should say at that moment when I was sobbing. It has now been a couple of days and he has not once asked me how I am doing I don't get it this is why I don't tell him anything. I don't know if I am wrong to feel this way but shouldn't he come to me now and be somewhat suppportive and comforting. I mean I just told him I feel suicidal and I feel like hurting myself I feel all alone and this just makes me feel even worse. I'm not asking him to kiss my a** but he could at least ask how my day was just something simple like that. Well anyway my psychiatrist didn't call me until Saturday afternoon and of course I missed the call. I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that my psychiatrist said that because I missed a couple doses of my meds this could be why I am feeling this way but I don't believe that it has anything to do with that. So I don't see the Dr. until Oct 15, unless she has a cancellation. I will see my therapist once a week now and I have her cell # in case of an

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 11:47am

Hey there,


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