Conflicted about my finace and his diet
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| Tue, 11-01-2005 - 11:10am |
I have been a vegetarian for six years. I am also engaged and expecting, due next spring. When my fiance first found out I was vegetarian (we've been together for close to 10 months), probably in one of our very first conversations before we had even gone out on a date, he promised he would never eat meat around me (red, white, or fish). I told him that wasn't necessary, but he has stuck by his word to this day. Before we found out we were pregnant, in one of our many discussions about the future, I told him that I would raise my baby/child vegetarian and though reluctant at first, because he was and is still learning about the diversity of a veggie lifestyle, he agreed that would be fine. It hasn't really become a problem for me until recently when we moved in together and I started cooking for us both. He does not know how to cook so I have been preparing the dinners. I noticed that in the last few weeks, he was eating out more than usual and I was only having to prepare food for myself. On one hand it was fine, because I could make something small and simple just for me (less to prepare, less to clean), but on the other hand, it bothered me for a number of reasons, he got out of clean-up duty, he was able to enjoy a fine meal out, but mostly, I thought he missed meat at dinner time, and was purposely making plans to eat out. I asked him if the arrangement was bothering him since we moved in, and he said no, he only missed it when we ate out with my parents at a sushi place (his favorite food). The problem is that he is not technically a vegetarian, only around me does he choose to forgo meat. It was fine in the beginning because we would only be/eat together about 3 or four times a week, now that we're living together and seeing each other every day, it seems strange. I always feel guilty or feel he has this other life/side to him because he's eating completely different when I am not around. I was married previously to a carnivore and it didn't bother me much that he ate meat, we just agreed that I would not prepare it. I am used to being around carnivores (I hardly know any strict vegetarians like myself). I am not pushy when it comes to eating lifestyles, I am passionate about my choices, but I do not expect others to follow suit, just respect my choice. I think it's wonderful that he has that much will around me and lucky to be with someone who would make such a choice, but as time and awkward situations pass (Thanksgiving is around the corner; it will be our first together), I am feeling a little strange about all of this. I have no intent of ever going back, but recently he made a remark to me that he has this wish that one day he could get me to eat fish and I responded that if I did ever change my mind, it would be on my account, not his. I don't know if this is making any sense, I just thought someone might understand or could relate. Thanks
Marie

Hormel has these fully prepared things that you put in the microwave for four minutes, sit for two, and are ready to eat. I have it on good authority that they are good.
That authority is my father, a Southern born and bred carnivore. No one was surprised when I became a vegetarian the day I was dropped off at college 8 years ago- I hadn't eaten more than three bites at a meal for several years. We didn't know that I'd get sick a year or so later and have to come home, or that Mom would have a stroke in late '03 and I'd become the cook. It might sound like a sob story, but we do get along
Hi,
I am the only strict vegetarian in my house.
PEACE ALSO TAKES COURAGE
Thank you for your respones and suggestions. I made a decision years ago (and everyone I know respects it) that I would not purchase, make or eat any type of meat product- I was a vegan for 2 years, but have since incorporated real cheese, however that's it and all it ever will be. Like I said, this is my choice and I do not require anyone I meet to not eat meat around me, including my fiance. This is not a pre-requisite for a relationship for me-this was his choice to not eat it whenever I am around. He's doing this out of respect for me, but I just don't want to feel guilty. If he were doing this for himself, it would be different. I talked to him about it last night and he said he didn't want me to feel guilty and that he is sorry if it is coming across that way, but that he doesn't mind passing on the meat when we're together. I guess I have to be okay with that. Don't misunderstand... I would love nothing more than for the whole world to become vegetarian, but that has to be a decision people make by and for themselves. Here's a thought: What happens when our child is 8 years old and my husband takes them for a bite to eat, normally he would eat meat because I wouldn't be around. Now we have raised our child veg, but once he/she is of a mature age, if they choose meat, that is their decision. But at 8, does my husband let them eat it if they ask for it, because after all he hasn't exactly given it up, only around me? I know I am going off on a limb here, but as I think about it, it just all seems so hypocritical. Hopefully it won't ever become such an issue and everything will be fine.
Thanks!
i'm not sure what problem you are having with the situation. it sounds to me as if everything is working out fine in terms of living together with different diets. if anything, the problem at this point is that YOU aren't respecting your fiance's decision not to eat meat around you by repeatedly questioning him about it.
he says he doesn't want to eat meat around you, he's a big boy capable of making up his own mind about that, so take him at his word and just drop it. there is no reason to constantly be questioning him about it or feeling guilty.
i'm not sure what you are saying about when your child is 8 years old. are you saying, how can you "enforce" that your child not eat meat when his/her daddy eats it? i think that's a very interesting question and a legitimate concern, and i don't think you can teach a child that something is morally right while one parent is not modeling that behavior. it would be like saying "son, it's wrong for you to cheat at board games, but it's ok for daddy to do it." but that is something you have to discuss with your fiance before you have kids. i think you'd have to leave it up to the child if he/she wanted to join daddy in eating meat when he eats it or be like mommy and not eat it. how else would you do it? if i were you, i'd go to the grassroots veganism board at vegsource.com and pose this question to jo stepaniak and the folks there. jo has a great book called "raising vegetarian children" and i know she'd have words of wisdom for you.
this dilemma, by the way, is an example of why i'd never be in a serious relationship with someone who isn't vegan. it's such a basic difference in values, that i don't think it's possible to create a life with someone whose values are so different. this is a perfect example, how can two people raise a child together when one believes that eating meat is morally wrong and the other thinks it is fine? it's a lot different from living with a roommate or father who eats meat, i think. but that's just my personal feelings on the subject.
Hi Marie!
I am in a kind of similar situation.
i'd buy him a cookbook ;)
honestly though, i think the only real problem i see is the lack of sit down family meals...he obvisouly respects your choice very much which is wonderful and hard to come by IMO. perhaps you can sit down with him and talk about why you'd like him to sit down for dinner with you, and eventually with your baby. for me, thats an important part of family time and bonding...the family meal. its not for everyone though.
also talk about any fincancial constraints going out to dinner several times a week can cause. right now your finances are for the two of you and the two of you alone...but once a baby is involved it can get costly, you should save your money now and get as accustomed to pinching pennies as you can. they don't seem like expensive little creatures but they are LOL.
it really is amazing how much money you end up speanding on such a tiny little thing :o)
Life is basically a series of choices, and your child will learn that early. He or she will be exposed to two different ways of eating- it's somewhat like having a two-religion home. The child has to make a choice- but he or she would, anyway. You couldn't force her or his friends to never bring beef jerkey along as a snack on some outing, or prevent him or her
Marie
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I am a vegetarian and have been for 18 yrs. I am also living with a meat eater, and I just had a baby girl 4 months ago. My partner is a chef so he makes most of the family meals or has lots of imput. He eats mostly vegetarian and occassionally buys and cooks meat meals for himself. Your partner is capable of making his own part of dinner too. As far as the baby is concerned my partner and I have agreed to let her try what she wants. However since I am vegetarian and will be making and eating food with her, she'll eat as I do. If she wants to try some of daddy's chicken or fish then she may.
We eat a very balanced diet which is the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby.
I hope this helps.
Good luck!
jeannie-marie