Ds came to visit this week-end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Ds came to visit this week-end...
31
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:25am
We talked until midnight the first night he was here about absolutely everything...EXCEPT his situation in Japan. Then, since we were both yawning, we headed for bed and made it as far as the kitchen. He said something and the dam just broke. We ended up sitting on the kitchen floor talking until 2 am. He really opened up to me for the first time about how things have been since the beginning of their marriage...not good. But even as he talked about the loneliness, frustration and sense of hopelessness, he would stop and say something about how hard it had been for his wife...different language, different culture, no control over anything, dependent on him for everything. He sounded so "reasonable"! (Frankly, and I know I'm biased, I never saw much effort on her part to learn to do anything that would make her life here any easier or more enjoyable.) The only time he broke down was when he talked about his son and then he just crumpled and the tears came. He's going to try to maintain as much contact as he can but that means probably 2-4 trips to Japan each year and, hopefully, she will bring Byron over here during his summer holiday. I would certainly be willing to help with the plane tickets for them! It's not good but probably the best that can be managed. There is a part of him, though, that is looking forward to maybe finding a girl someday with whom he can really share his life. I hope he finds her. He tried so hard to be a good husband and father. He has his faults but he did try...and got very little back for it.

This is hard for dd and me too. We are realistic enough to know that seeing Byron maybe once a year is not going to be enough to leave much of an impression in his mind...especially since there will be no English spoken in that home which means that we won't be able to talk with him much at all when we do see him. I am trying not to be negative and judgmental (not always succeeding!) and am concentrating on being grateful for the time that I have had with that wonderful little boy. He's left behind a big hole in our hearts.

Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:21am
((((Kat))))....do you think they will divorce then? I ask since you said ds might find a girl someday he can really share his life with. I can imagine this is hard on all 3 of you not being near little dgs. I pray as he gets older he will want to come and see you and maybe stay with you for awhile. Who knows, he may choose to live in the US when he grows up, that would be super. Much Love, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:41am
Kat, I feel for all of your family. Some folks

(and I am not talking about your son or dil)

are just not good at adapting majorly; but

who knew. Maybe things can still be worked

out in the year to come.

Please keep us posted; we do care, Kat.

((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Cindy


~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 7:06am
Oh, Kat, what a sad situation. I feel so bad for your ds, and I'm sure you're hurting for him too. You're right, it will be difficult to keep in touch with dgs, but keep trying. As he gets older, maybe he'll learn English more quickly when he's here.

How did your ds meet his Japanese wife? Was it at college? I imagine that's a very tough culture to fit into. I give him a lot of credit just for trying to make it work!

Hang in there, dear Kat, things will get easier for both of you!

Hugs, Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:05am
That is heartbreaking, Kat. I am sorry.

I hope you get as much time as possible with

him.

Hugs, Sara

 
Avatar for capwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:09am
I think I'll be judgemental for you for a minute Kat. Those blankety-blank people are being extremely selfish and certainly aren't considering your son's feelings or yours! There, I feel a little better. I want to say much more but I won't.

DS just needs to keep in touch with his son no matter how hard it gets. At least he has you to talk to and give him encouragemnet. And when the child is older hopefully he will make it clear he intends to spend time with his father. Many hugs sweetheart.

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Avatar for grams2many
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:22am
Kat I'm so sorry for you and your son. It is so hard when different cultures marry. I hope you can see Byron more than once a year. Perhaps you can learn some Japanese and can have a conversation if it's simple. I wish the best for all of you.

Hugs Mary

Grams

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-1998
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:51am
Oh, Kat, my heart is just breaking for you and your DS. This is such a shame. Then I guess going to Japan just didn't work for him, eh? Didn't improve the situation between them enough? This is just such a shame. I don't know what I'd do if I lived continents away from my DGSs. Again, my heart is just breaking for you all.

Many hugs,

Red

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 11:25am
Oh, Kat....just goes to show, mothers know! It's that second sense or mothers sense thing.

It's so sad for everyone involved. Have to say she is a smart lady tho getting son to go there with her. Had they not, I am fairly sure your son could have kept the little guy here. If he was born here, American citizen and mom wouldn't have been allowed to take him. Maybe I am awful, but if you and son ever get your grandson here...keep him. I don't think the USA will let her have him back.

My brothers wife is Korean and while his wife went back to vist often in the first years, never did he allow her to take the children. Thankfully their marraige seems to be a good one tho. Marraige number 3 for him I might add.

Hope things work out somehow. Little boys need their daddy and that little guy is going to end up resenting his Mom I think.

Hugs,

Rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:06pm
Kat I am so sorry for you all but especially for your Ds. You are probably right if no English is spoken it will be hard to talk to him. I sure hope Byron's Mom will try to make the effort to keep his father in his life.

Hugs to you

Mary

                          &n
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:31pm
Kat, I'm adding my heart-felt hugs and I'm so sorry for you ds. I can't imagine being seperated like that from ds. I'm sure once his child is in school they will start English classes, but you're right, it may be difficult to converse until then, if she even lets him come over here. I pray that they can at least work out a visitation for your ds. Charlie

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