Ladies I really need your input...long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Ladies I really need your input...long
26
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 6:12pm
You all know we are moving into my mom's house. This is necessary because we need the room. My problem is when I was 6 my dad's friend's brother molested me in the dining room and everytime I walk in there I remember. As if that wasn't bad enough when I was 11 and at a neighbors's with other kids I was molested by the girl's father. Of course this man was very involved in the church and had a wonderful reputation. After talking to him my mom came back and called me a liar. How could anyone that religious and important be a child molester? Then I was babysitting one night and the brother of a neighbor nearly raped me. Luckily this man's gay brother and his lover heard my screams and saved me. This man was out on bail for rape after just getting out of jail for rape. While I was in school the neighbor came over and begged my mother not to press charges. She felt sorry for him and didn't. When I got home I was furious and demanded what about me?! I was her child ...didn't she care about me? At least my father stuck up for me. He hunted him down in all the bars and when he found him beat him to a pulp. The man was convicted on the other rape charges and hung himself in jail. This move and this neighborhood holds no fond memories for me but I need the bigger house for my kids. What would you do? Mac knows about Frank Bianco, the one who molested me when I was 11, and I don't care if his name goes out over the web. Mac is so pissed he will probably go after him if Frank says anything to him. My ex befriended him after I told him...tells you about the hate level in that marraige doesn't it? The rapist's brother lives right across the street and i have to look at him daily. What do I do? I plan on moving in and not associating with any of them. WE are putting up a privacy fence and hibernating but I will have to see these peole when go out for my walks. Should I ignore them? Should I confront them? It happened so long ago but I still suffer from it. Why should they get away with it? Sorry I am venting but after all these years still hurts so badly. Do I have a sign on my head...:Molest her"? this is one of the hardest posts I have ever posted.

I will not even go into the drug, alcohol and child abuse that went on in that house. Pleasant memories in that house...not yet, but I'm planning on changing its karma big time. Sorry I dumped all this on you all. Believe it or not this is just scratching the surface of my life. So far it has not been a happy experience. that is until I found all you nuts:) All my love, Bernie

PS. Sorry this has been such a big downer but I needed to get it off my chest and into print. It may not help to relieve it but at least its out:)

Hugs, Bernie

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Avatar for auntjo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 12:27am
As usual a day late but don't think short on the $$s on this one!! Sorry this just hit a chord w/me as I'm also a survivor from my growing up years. I went back & lived in the "family House" as "my" family's house for a couple years while my oldest was just a baby but it was actually before I even had reason to bring back those well-repressed awful growing-up memories so didn't have problems - just stayed in denial & mucked thru as things were getting worse w/my alcoholic 1st husband at that time. I'm sure there was a lot that was working it's way to the surface just because of the house & what happened in it, but w/life happening as it was around me I didn't make those connections at the time. The rational mind can play some really good games w/itself to survive.

When a replay started w/my D a few years later the dam broke for me - and if nothing else, completely shocked my 1st husband - he hadn't had a clue up until then what I was keeping a lid on & we'd been together since HS. By then we were splitting up so when I started counseling for that & dealing w/his drinking it very quickly got focused on where it belonged & over the next couple years got a whole lot of laundry aired for myself in the company of other women who'd been thru similar stuff. Didn't do anyone else in my family any good except for maybe my D in the long run - but I'll tell ya I've been quite OK w/myself since. Nope it never goes away, but it also doesn't have much power over things I do in my life either. All things considered I am who I am because of what I've lived through (tho I'd never go back). I trust my gut instincts, I don't hole myself up, I'm very vocal about any type of related issues to whoever will listen, & guess facing it square on took the power out of it all. I feel sorry for my Dad, but it's his problem. I feel really sorry for my sister cuz she's never faced this stuff long enough to deal w/her issues over it & does some really crazy stuff sometimes so I know it's still impacting her life in big ways no matter what she "says". My brother has been in prison for over 15 years w/about 5 more to go - basically as an indirect result of what went on w/me & then my sister - & I don't think he was even aware at the time we were all growing up what exactly was going on other than things weren't right, but once he found out when we were all adults after I fell apart - his life certainly took a turn for the worse.

I'd say if it's going to cause you to feel bad - don't do it - tho my first reaction would actually be to recommend finding a group to share this stuff with as it rears its head & getting help putting it in its place where it really doesn't have as much hurtful impact anymore. Especially since it sounds like you really don't have much choice in living there. It's not a fun thing to do - but well worth the effort and heartache of the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 9:12am
First of all, you seem unwilling or unable NOT to make the move. So, I think your problem is really how to act once you're back in that neighbor, eh? Well, this would be my take on it (and I'm aware my behavior mode is different then others, so these are only suggestions). Since you will be back in this house, it's important that it become your home, not just a place for you and your family to hang out at. Therefore, mind adjustment is very, very, VERY important! I wish I could remember which one of our incredibly smart friends told you not to be a victim. So important! If you move back into that house feeling you're going back as the victim you once were you're defeating your sense of ease there from the get-go. You're going to have to go back as a grown woman who has faced adversity and WON! You can face anything because you've already had some of the toughest ordeals a female can handle pitched at you. The house didn't do it to you....those people did. However, you stated you promised your father you would keep the house and you apparently feel the need to keep that promise and the connection to your dad. That's OK. Can you get into the necessary headset that you don't have to stay inside that house to stay safe? That would not be healthy for you! That would in essence be giving them the power to profoundly effect you all over again. You are not a victim and they should not have any control over your well-being or your life! I can’t say that strongly enough Bernie! Go out of that house! Live your life the way you want to without restraints because these horrid men are around. If you aren’t comfortable with confronting them, then look through them. Don’t even allow your mind to accept them as anymore then landscape around you. (Think large piles of rotting dog poop!) Look at them as nothing more than that. Yeah, I know it’s scary, but I actually use tactics like this in life. LOL! And it works! That is going to be your home, don’t allow a few perverts to rob you of mental contentment! Keep us informed Bernie….and know you have the strength and support of all of us behind you. ((((firm embrace)))) Kay
Avatar for hulagirl_leilani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 1:20pm
Kay ya get two thumbs up for that answer... that was brillant... almost as brillant as mine... ha ha ha... just kidding Kay... I loved your answer that response even perked me up. Mahalo for sharing that... That was great... pat yourself on the back... chick! You did good... ya think like I do which is absolutely wonderful for this odd ball to know...

You have a great day now!

Hula Girl

Aloha,

Lei

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 2:18pm
Bernie and Kay,

As I read your post and the repliess, my first thought was to email you Bernie. Just didn't want to dig out the past and air it here. Then, I thought it's good to know your not alone. Kay, your rely made so much sense to me. Think your suggestions were nothing but great.

Much of your past sounds like mine. Could add a few other misadventures though. The only one that paid for what he did was a doctor who was finaily reported. When I told my mother she just didn't want to know I guess. You no longer have to be a victim, you can make choices and follow though on them now. You said you wondered if you had a sign that said "abuse me", yes Bernie we did. That sign is/was our behaviors and actions after being victimized the first time. Perverts have an uncanny skill in detecting this. Bernie, you don't need that sign anymore. I suggest you toss it and make life what you want it to be.

As for the house, it's just that...a house. Walls, roof, rooms etc. You now have the opportunity to turn it into a home. Your home, a place of peace and contentment. By now, the wallpaper, paint, etc. is most likely different, if not I suggest you change it. Change the entry to the house in some way also. Your place now. Change things before you move in. Might make a world of difference.

One of my abusers was a family member who showed up at all the weddings, reunions etc. Not being a child any longer I told him one day what would happen if he dared attempt to touch me ever again. Thats impowerment Bernie and you can do it also. This is your world to, you have a place in it. Take it back Bernie and do what pleases you.

I could go on, but enough for today. Don't allow anyone or anything to still hold contol over you hun. They did what they did then, today is a whole new day and your no longer a

powerless child. Sure you have heard of "Take Back The Night", take back the day also.

Hugs Bernie, you can do it.

Rain P.S. To Mare, I am jealous also. Stop rubbing our faces in it or, ummmm, well, I'll just turn green. lol

5360774911227568598063_610w

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 3:51pm
Kay, thanks..we know she can overcome, and she will!

~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 4:01pm
I will be thinking about you. My molester got what he deserved. I know it's awful but I do not feel sorry for him. He was 18 when I was 6 and this happened. He left and joined the military and then the Secret Service. he was down in Cuba and was strangled to death. I know I should feel bad, but I just don't. It was a very scary time in my life, when I should have been a happy-go-lucky child. Hugs, Gabby

       


 


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