the hardest thing i ever did

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
the hardest thing i ever did
9
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 10:38am
hello all,

i havent been on the board much lately, due to events in my life

that i wish to talk about, as they say, dicussing it, dealing with it

helps, and to get opinions from others may help.

i have 4 children, one son, who will be 25 in a few days, in short

over the last 3 years he has gone from job to job, borrowed money,

moved from place to place, and been arrested for a minor offense...we

as a family have helped him over the years trying to get his life

straight...recently my other daughter helped him find an apartment of

his own...set up his electric,,and had a job....(having roommates

never worked),,we all thought finally he will get his life in order...

wrong... as of last week he got kicked out of his apartment for not

paying,,,doesnt have a full time job...and not place to go...thru out

the times we have all taken him in ...none of us can do that anymore...

he takes advantage of us...and does nothing for himself....i have

choosen the 'tough love' route, as i have heard about that....i just

wrote him a letter, telling him how disappointed i was in him, how

i failed as a mother, and i tried my best when he was younger as i

raised 4 children myself and managed to have a roof over our heads,

food, and clothes.. i worked hard but managed...today i have a great

loving new husband and a stable life....my son does not, and i as

a mother can no longer help someone who chooses not to help themselves..

he smokes pot,, which i have told him to stop, its gives him no

motivation or goals in life, (his dad is a perfect example as his dad

was a heavy drug user since the age of 13,,,,my son always said he

would never be like his dad... his dad is now 48...has been married

5x and has 8 children throughout..my 3 who he has egnored for years..

(his loss).. i told my son today... to find his dad.. move in with him.,his dad works,

and supposedly clean and off drugs, as my son,,,,,

he has no one else...as hard as it was for me., i told him i didnt

want to hear from him for 6 months until he did something with his life,

with my anxiety disorder i cant handle any more hardships or worry,,,

so i had no choice and the hardest thing i had to do today was to

write him a letter ending with, may god keep u safe, give u common

sense and better your life....as of this point in time i am disowning

u as your mother, u are no longer my son....as i cry now, as it hurts

me sooo much to tell him that i have no choice......i ended his letter

with i love u..as i always will...

sorry for being so long,, i am at my witts end and as tough as it is

on me.. i had no choice but to tell him i cant stand by him anylonger,,

this family has helped him sooo much...and he never gets any better,

so as much as it hurts, this family can not help him anymore he has

to help himself......

thanks for listening

mary (azlibra)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 11:41am
Mary my mother always told me that when our children our little they step on our feet, when they are grown they step on our hearts. I am so sorry about your son and hope that by not supporting him any longer he will at last get on his feet.

Hugs

Mare

                          &n
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-1998
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 11:50am
Mary, I'm so glad you shared and hope it helped that you did.

Being a mother, I think, is the hardest job in the world. When we become mothers we have so many rose-colored ideals about how everything will be for our kids. But things just don't always work that way, no matter how hard we try. I know you are hurting now, but I also know you've tried your very best. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I've felt the same way when my DDs have disappointed me. But I talk it out with supportive people like the ladies here and my SO, and I find that, yes, I did my best, and at some point you just have to do like you've done and let them go.

Someday your DS will thank you for being tough. It's the biggest favor you could do for him. He'll most likely need to hit rock bottom before he can turn his life around.

Here's a big hug from me, Mary.

--Red

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Avatar for mindy46
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 1:21pm
you know mary,as a mother you are not a failure.it sounds like your son continues to make choices for himself that prove to be detremental to his life!you are not making the choices for him!those are his own doing.so he is failing himself.we can only do so much for our children,we cannot be with them everyday making sure they are living a good life and following the rules.i think we can all say that we gave our kids the basic roots they need to survive.one day he will find those roots you gave him and decide to make some better choices.(((hugs)))mindy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 2:59pm
Your story touched me deeply. I can relate to many parts of it. You are not a failure as a mother. You must love your son very much. That is why it hurts so much too. He is young still and he will learn and appreciate your actions eventually. My DD has just now acknowledged that what I did 10 years ago was the right thing even though it hurt. (I in a sense disowned her too) My prayers and thoughts (tears too) are with you.

Lots of hugs.

LM
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 3:18pm
(((((((((Mary)))))))), it really sounds like this is the best thing you could do for him, even though he won't think so right now. This must be very hard for you, but he probably doesn't realize that either. Hopefully he can turn his life around and stand on his own 2 feet. We all need help at times, but it really sounds like he has not even tried to help himself, like you said. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but know you have support here. Hugs, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

Avatar for holland122
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-25-2003 - 12:33pm
has he ever been tested for ADD or ADHD?....they are often abusers of alcohol or drugs...it is genetic...his father could have it too...sounds like they both have trouble sticking to one thing....good resource.."Driven to Distraction", a book...success stories of adults who were helped...very often it calls for antidepressants...good luck..Dutch
Avatar for cl_campmum_of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 5:34pm
Mary, that had to have been one of the hardest things you could have done in your life, and I am so sorry to say that you had to be put in that position. I think under the same circumstances I would have done the exact same thing. At your ds' age I think he should be looking forward to settling down not necessarily with others but atleast he shoudl be looking at maintaining a full time job and makign a life for himself.

I would not be surprised if he will test you and see how far he can go, but stick to your guns and if he realizes that you are doing this for his good then perhaps he will come around and think about what he is doing.

I hope that he soon finds the right path to lead and leaves the rest behind him, I know it may be hard to start with for him but he will do it if he wants to.

I have family that had gone through a similar thing with their son, and now just over a year later he has made a turn about and is actually doing all he can to make things right. So just know that it can happen, all depends on your son if he is willing to give it any type of effort. Knowing that he can not fall back onto you make give him that extra push.

My heart aches for you and I hope that very soon things will have turned around for you!


Many hugs and wishes of strength to you!

hug, Lor

     

 

          

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:41am
good morning dutch..

just read your post and the only problem my ex-husband has is he is

a grown man with a heart of stone....verrryy long story, as my dislike

for a man that fathered 3 children with me.. cheated on me on most of

our 11 years as man and wife.. did drugs, and basically ruined our

lives...effected the children when they were small...and to this day

it has been 3 years since he has contacted the girls...now 18 and 21...

as if they never exsisted...not that it matters as he is a very poor

role model...i had to raise the kids myself when he left us numerous

times over our married years....i managed and survived without him..

and did a great job i think....i could never understand mans/fathers

choice to egnore their kids...he has done so...and as i always said..

its his 'loss'.. he continue to this day to be with woman, father kids.,

and break up....last count 8 kids...4 marriages later....very sad...

and my point is....i always told my kids to learn from their dads

mistakes in what not to do...and how not to treat ones family...they

have learned much thru his mistakes in life...and i always said it

will make them all stronger.....as for my son.. he needs help...and

no one can help him beside himself....i will never stop loving him...

as for anxiety depression disorders in runs in my family.. as i had

it ..my oldest daughter has it also....my son has no insurance at all..

a job he cant hold onto...and i cant help him anymore.. any more

books that i can read that would help me cope.. please post to me...

i appreciate and respect your posts....

thanks again

'mary' 'libby'

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:40am
Hi Mary, You don't know me because I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been on this board for several years (almost since it began). I don't have children, so I have not been in your position, but I do have a family situation somewhat similar to yours. My brother, who is now 46, has never gotten his life off the ground. He went to college longer than either my sister or I, but has never really had a job that lasted longer than 6 months. He survives largely because my parents have continued to support him, despite the fact that the rest of my family thinks that my folks should have cut him off years and years ago. That way he would have had to figure out a way to support himself. With them supporting him, he has not reason to get a job! Well, it has not been a healthy thing for him, as you can imagine. So, I guess I'm saying that though taking the tough love approach might be very painful for you, in the long run you may be doing him a big favor. I admire you for having the courage to let him go. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Janet