the hardest thing i ever did
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the hardest thing i ever did
| Sat, 05-24-2003 - 10:38am |
hello all,
i havent been on the board much lately, due to events in my life
that i wish to talk about, as they say, dicussing it, dealing with it
helps, and to get opinions from others may help.
i have 4 children, one son, who will be 25 in a few days, in short
over the last 3 years he has gone from job to job, borrowed money,
moved from place to place, and been arrested for a minor offense...we
as a family have helped him over the years trying to get his life
straight...recently my other daughter helped him find an apartment of
his own...set up his electric,,and had a job....(having roommates
never worked),,we all thought finally he will get his life in order...
wrong... as of last week he got kicked out of his apartment for not
paying,,,doesnt have a full time job...and not place to go...thru out
the times we have all taken him in ...none of us can do that anymore...
he takes advantage of us...and does nothing for himself....i have
choosen the 'tough love' route, as i have heard about that....i just
wrote him a letter, telling him how disappointed i was in him, how
i failed as a mother, and i tried my best when he was younger as i
raised 4 children myself and managed to have a roof over our heads,
food, and clothes.. i worked hard but managed...today i have a great
loving new husband and a stable life....my son does not, and i as
a mother can no longer help someone who chooses not to help themselves..
he smokes pot,, which i have told him to stop, its gives him no
motivation or goals in life, (his dad is a perfect example as his dad
was a heavy drug user since the age of 13,,,,my son always said he
would never be like his dad... his dad is now 48...has been married
5x and has 8 children throughout..my 3 who he has egnored for years..
(his loss).. i told my son today... to find his dad.. move in with him.,his dad works,
and supposedly clean and off drugs, as my son,,,,,
he has no one else...as hard as it was for me., i told him i didnt
want to hear from him for 6 months until he did something with his life,
with my anxiety disorder i cant handle any more hardships or worry,,,
so i had no choice and the hardest thing i had to do today was to
write him a letter ending with, may god keep u safe, give u common
sense and better your life....as of this point in time i am disowning
u as your mother, u are no longer my son....as i cry now, as it hurts
me sooo much to tell him that i have no choice......i ended his letter
with i love u..as i always will...
sorry for being so long,, i am at my witts end and as tough as it is
on me.. i had no choice but to tell him i cant stand by him anylonger,,
this family has helped him sooo much...and he never gets any better,
so as much as it hurts, this family can not help him anymore he has
to help himself......
thanks for listening
mary (azlibra)
i havent been on the board much lately, due to events in my life
that i wish to talk about, as they say, dicussing it, dealing with it
helps, and to get opinions from others may help.
i have 4 children, one son, who will be 25 in a few days, in short
over the last 3 years he has gone from job to job, borrowed money,
moved from place to place, and been arrested for a minor offense...we
as a family have helped him over the years trying to get his life
straight...recently my other daughter helped him find an apartment of
his own...set up his electric,,and had a job....(having roommates
never worked),,we all thought finally he will get his life in order...
wrong... as of last week he got kicked out of his apartment for not
paying,,,doesnt have a full time job...and not place to go...thru out
the times we have all taken him in ...none of us can do that anymore...
he takes advantage of us...and does nothing for himself....i have
choosen the 'tough love' route, as i have heard about that....i just
wrote him a letter, telling him how disappointed i was in him, how
i failed as a mother, and i tried my best when he was younger as i
raised 4 children myself and managed to have a roof over our heads,
food, and clothes.. i worked hard but managed...today i have a great
loving new husband and a stable life....my son does not, and i as
a mother can no longer help someone who chooses not to help themselves..
he smokes pot,, which i have told him to stop, its gives him no
motivation or goals in life, (his dad is a perfect example as his dad
was a heavy drug user since the age of 13,,,,my son always said he
would never be like his dad... his dad is now 48...has been married
5x and has 8 children throughout..my 3 who he has egnored for years..
(his loss).. i told my son today... to find his dad.. move in with him.,his dad works,
and supposedly clean and off drugs, as my son,,,,,
he has no one else...as hard as it was for me., i told him i didnt
want to hear from him for 6 months until he did something with his life,
with my anxiety disorder i cant handle any more hardships or worry,,,
so i had no choice and the hardest thing i had to do today was to
write him a letter ending with, may god keep u safe, give u common
sense and better your life....as of this point in time i am disowning
u as your mother, u are no longer my son....as i cry now, as it hurts
me sooo much to tell him that i have no choice......i ended his letter
with i love u..as i always will...
sorry for being so long,, i am at my witts end and as tough as it is
on me.. i had no choice but to tell him i cant stand by him anylonger,,
this family has helped him sooo much...and he never gets any better,
so as much as it hurts, this family can not help him anymore he has
to help himself......
thanks for listening
mary (azlibra)

Hugs
Mare
Being a mother, I think, is the hardest job in the world. When we become mothers we have so many rose-colored ideals about how everything will be for our kids. But things just don't always work that way, no matter how hard we try. I know you are hurting now, but I also know you've tried your very best. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I've felt the same way when my DDs have disappointed me. But I talk it out with supportive people like the ladies here and my SO, and I find that, yes, I did my best, and at some point you just have to do like you've done and let them go.
Someday your DS will thank you for being tough. It's the biggest favor you could do for him. He'll most likely need to hit rock bottom before he can turn his life around.
Here's a big hug from me, Mary.
--Red
Lots of hugs.
LM
&n
I would not be surprised if he will test you and see how far he can go, but stick to your guns and if he realizes that you are doing this for his good then perhaps he will come around and think about what he is doing.
I hope that he soon finds the right path to lead and leaves the rest behind him, I know it may be hard to start with for him but he will do it if he wants to.
I have family that had gone through a similar thing with their son, and now just over a year later he has made a turn about and is actually doing all he can to make things right. So just know that it can happen, all depends on your son if he is willing to give it any type of effort. Knowing that he can not fall back onto you make give him that extra push.
My heart aches for you and I hope that very soon things will have turned around for you!
Many hugs and wishes of strength to you!
hug, Lor
just read your post and the only problem my ex-husband has is he is
a grown man with a heart of stone....verrryy long story, as my dislike
for a man that fathered 3 children with me.. cheated on me on most of
our 11 years as man and wife.. did drugs, and basically ruined our
lives...effected the children when they were small...and to this day
it has been 3 years since he has contacted the girls...now 18 and 21...
as if they never exsisted...not that it matters as he is a very poor
role model...i had to raise the kids myself when he left us numerous
times over our married years....i managed and survived without him..
and did a great job i think....i could never understand mans/fathers
choice to egnore their kids...he has done so...and as i always said..
its his 'loss'.. he continue to this day to be with woman, father kids.,
and break up....last count 8 kids...4 marriages later....very sad...
and my point is....i always told my kids to learn from their dads
mistakes in what not to do...and how not to treat ones family...they
have learned much thru his mistakes in life...and i always said it
will make them all stronger.....as for my son.. he needs help...and
no one can help him beside himself....i will never stop loving him...
as for anxiety depression disorders in runs in my family.. as i had
it ..my oldest daughter has it also....my son has no insurance at all..
a job he cant hold onto...and i cant help him anymore.. any more
books that i can read that would help me cope.. please post to me...
i appreciate and respect your posts....
thanks again
'mary' 'libby'