mom (88) more info...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
mom (88) more info...
5
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:41am
Okay a little more info. First of all, all FOUR sisters are in agreement that we wish to resolve or at least address issues, concerns, and basically do our best to honor Mom. They say they are open to some kind of dialogue at least.

This is tip of the iceburg... there has always been rivalry between the two oldest, as is typical of siblings who are two yrs apart. (Like old Smothers Brothers bits!) Then a gap, then #3 and #4 (me) are okay, we are only one yr apart. Anyway... keep in mind Mom lives with Sis#2 in Fla.

Sis#1 (age 56, Colorado) is New Age-y, Drum Circle etc. Also strong personality, typical in charge first-born type.

Sis#2 (age 54, Fla) is Born Again Christian or Committed Christian as she puts it. Very capable and competent persona and doing all the caretaking of Mom at this point (Mom is NOT ill, just old and frail).

Sis#3 (age 48, Houston) is also Christian, a little more flexible personality, tends to be Mediator but trying to break out of that role.

Sis#4 (me, age 47, Houston) Im agnostic. Tend toward Comic Relief, family mascot in therapy terms.

P.S. Mom is classic Irish Catholic. P.S.S. Dad died 4 yrs ago (Methodist, nice service too).

Okay... tension is btw #1 and #2, battling for Top Dog, control etc in many ways. That is lifelong. You couldnt find two more different people. Mom lives with #2 in Florida but has designated #1 in COlorado as Executor and Power of Attorney. What a set-up. Why? I have no idea, but Mom apparently trusts #1 with that and needless to say #2 not only resents it but is concerned. Mom did finally (after much coaxing and help from some social worker) finally sign papers for #2 to give (or refuse) consents for medical interventions, Mom signed a DNR, etc. But the resentments are there and simmering.

So... issues.... ONE... Memorial Service... well of course it will be a Mass in a Catholic Church. Duh. But both two knuckleheads tell me they have fears that the other will try to impose their goofball religious rituals or twists to it. (Im convinced neither one will but they have those fears.

TWO... "well SHE (#2) got all the china and silver, blah blah blah." Sis#3 and #4 (me) also have some things, mostly sentimental value, but truthfully, Sis#1 has nothing of that. Mom has no intention of putting anything in writing, as far as she's concerned she has ALREADY given her stuff to us and has nothing left to "leave" to anyone, really. She started giving us these things after Dad died. BUt neither Dad nor Mom gave anything to #1... and she really WAS Dad's favorite.

anyway thats enuff for now. Any suggestions for Ground Rules for 4-way email dialogue btw us? Thanks, KC

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Registered: 11-12-1998
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:08pm
Sheesh, KC, what a deal! I'm no family expert by a long shot, but I give it a go with my very chintzy two cents.

First, it seems reasonable for all concerned to agree to just set aside religious differences and just honor mother the way she would want her services to be. Reasonable?

Second, it does seem like #1 was left out. Is there anything that you and #3 would be willing to give up to her and then maybe #1 would follow suit? (you know, peer pressure)

Hope this helps even just a little. It's easy for us all to tell you what to do, I imagine, but you are there with all the personalities and the drama that goes along with it.

Good luck,

Red

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 4:34pm
KC, the religous situation could be solved if mom could be convinced to pre plan her funeral. When my grandma went into a home she arranged everything with her pastor right down to the Bible passages she wantd and the hymns she wanted. It made it easier for the four kids when she passed and arrangements had to be made and it also kept them from arguing. My dad is currently in a home and we don't expect that he will last too much longer. I dn't know if he's done this, but I don't forsee any problems if not. He & my step-mom went to the funeral home and made all those arrangements, including picking out a casket, before he went into the home.

Good Luck...... kaci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 6:30pm
Have a few suggestions. First, ask mom her wishes in the matter of a service. Now, you are going to be sisters forever, so best to beware hurt feelings. Since all but dd#1 have something of moms, maybe you should get together and see that dd#1 has something also. I have been though this and it didn't turn out improving family relationships. My sis had "control". Didn't matter one iota what moms wishes were. She decided what she wanted and did it. Now, there are 5 "children" where only one speaks to the other four. The rest of us have totally split themselves off from one or two of the rest.

In my opinion, not the best for anyone. Try to remember it's stuff, just stuff. You have memories which no one can touch.

Well, thats my 2 cents,

Rain

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Avatar for mindy46
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 8:50am
isnt it funny with parents that no matter who they live with there is always one they end up favoring or trusting more then the person that is caring for them.never will understand that!!as far as your mothers mass goes when she does pass on,it should be to honor her and her religious beliefs,no others should be brought into it.the only way to deal with that is too tell your sister so.as far as 4 way emailing,you have to put on the board what you gals have to decide on and come to terms with accepting and agreeing on what should be done and what will be done out of respect for mom.best i can do kc.good luck to you and sistas!!(((hugs)))mindy
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 9:54am
Sorry! All I can say is, "Welcome to the club of kids with parents who tell us they won't be around much longer and then live to see y'all go crazy about things 'she doesn't 'want to talk about'." You described my bunch fairly well just mix up locations a tad. My db is the Executor and has Power of attorney but my flakiest sis is now the closest and is caring for Mom in Montana. I've decided that the one who is exerting the most effort can do what she wants and I think the baby feels the same way. Did find that my mom's invite to have me come up and visit real soon is "pure mom." Ie., she's now living in a house of my sister's who carpeted the kitchen with "such a deal" extra casino carpeting and mom thinks that I'm the easiest touch and will buy her new carpeting! lol Ain't gonna happen. Hugs, BB