I need some serious advice........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
I need some serious advice........
12
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 12:17pm
As you all know, graduation was this weekend, so my mother is here from California for that. Each time I see her I wonder how much longer she will be able to live alone. We truly do not believe she should be living alone anymore. Not only is she very, very slow in her movement (cane most of the time), but she seems to be slipping slightly in her thoughts. I know much of that is the hearing aide, but still it scares us. We also have learned she has an incontinence problem, although she says it takes too long to get to our bathroom from the kitchen. She truly can not take care of herself properly. If we try to talk to her she will fight us and say we are trying to put her in a home. She will get defensive and angry. She is a VERY independent lady and that is the reason we have let it go this far. However, she is NOT a young 80, she is 80 and it shows. Her house is a mess, she has no way of cleaning it herself, which is another reason for a smaller place. All we want is for her to move into a smaller place, a condo or apartment where there are other seniors. Living in a house alone is just not safe anymore. Believe me, we have tried and tried to talk to her and she only gets upset. We are at our wits end with this. I'm sure some of you have gone through this, so please help. Thank you, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:19pm
Gabby,

Would she be returning to Cal. or staying near you? If near you, I might start by showing her around some of the places available. Mention they are designed with her convience in mind. No yard to mow, no outside work. People who will help clean, yet still her own private place. Might make new friends also.

Wish you luck Gabby. We had my dad and great grams at home.

Hugs,

Rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 3:15pm
Gabby, that's one of the hardest things...getting them

to realize that they can't live alone anymore.

Would living with you be an option? Never easy, tho.

We went through this with Greg's mom last year; she is

also 80 now. She's been living alone since 1998 when

Greg's dad passed.

So now we have Greg's mom in a beautiful and well-

appointed 8-resident residential carehome.

We put here there because it

was most like being in your own home.

Maybe there is something like that near you?

The one Greg's mom is in has 2 round the clock nurses.

Each resident has a very tasteful large bedroom with bath.

The staff does all the cooking, washing, cleaning; takes them to

doc visits, picks up all the meds, and provide daily

activities and excursions, etc. Can't think of anything

they don't do, lol, and I told Greg that if we live to

be that age, that's where we want to be; the owner has

had such a success that he opened 5 others just like it.

I so hope that she can come to her senses. But seems

like dementia is slowly starting in on her, just like

it did with Greg's mom.

Gabby, keep us posted...we know exactly what you are

going through. ((((((Hugs!)))))

love,

Cindy


~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~

Avatar for thebutton
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 3:59pm
(((Gabby))), I'm sorry that I can't help you on this one. Unfortunately, or fortunately, all of my family passed at an early age. My situation is a double edged sword. I guess you could say it that way.

I know it has to be very hard for an independent person, or one who wants to be and can't, having to face this. But I also think that they have a terrible picture in their minds about these places, and like one of the replies to your post, if you could get her to visit some of these condo's for seniors, it might make a big difference in what she may be picturing in her mind.

From what I have seen and heard about this kind of assisted living, I wouldn't mind living in one myself.

Sorry I can't be much help Gabby, but I just wanted you to know that I wish you the best of luck with this situation, and I'm send a big comforting hug.

Avatar for cl_campmum_of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 4:09pm
Oh Gabby it is such a hard thing when our parents age and still want their independence.

My dadis turning 88 and I know there are times that he should have someone there with him

but his pride keeps him from admitting he is not any longer to manage on his own.

W have offered to get a housekeeping service in for him, but nope too much of a mess he thinks, so we said we will clean it before and he says nope I don't want one. We have offered to get meals on wheels for him as he does not alway have his meals and soemtimes they are not the best meals when he does make them, but he says oh no I never am sure what I want to eat so would rather make my own. There have been times he has burned a pot dry, not once or twice either.. he either fell asleep or??

I too wish for answers, we have offered to have him live with us and that is so out of the question for him, he will not give it even a moments worth of time.

So when you get an answer I too would like to know what is some options!

Good luck! Hugs, Lor

     

 

          

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 4:29pm
We've had our mom give up her home and move into a really nice assisted care place that had a 2 room apartment but had a diningroom downstairs for residents as well as a visiting nurse and cleaning services. She went bonkers there because they kept her at an arm's distance and she had gotten blind enough that she used talking to herself to remember things that she used to write notes to herself about. (If my mom is unhappy, she can make all of her children unhappy fairly quickly.) She then moved into a nursing home (for the winter was te promise if she got better)and was really beginning to deteriorate more as she saw it as giving up. Now she's in a little house with peple who come in and help her get going in the morning and she "goes to work" at the nursing home most days for adult daycare where there are activities or she can nap if she gets tired. The home health care lady is there for the days she doesn't go. This is working much better as having her independence is really very necessary for her mental well being. She's perked up enough to want me to visit so that she can hoodwink me into buying her some new carpet. For your mom I would look into what kind of home health care is available in her area as well as maybe some Meals On Wheels. If she doesn't want to leave her home, it will be a real uphill struggle to help her that way, imo. (btw my mom is an old 85 as she smoked like a chimney til a year ago.) Hugs, BB
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:17pm
She wants to be by her friends, but I checked where she lives and there is no place at all, I couldn't believe it. There are lots of places here near our community. Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:18pm
Thank you, no living with us is not an option. I just plain do not want to do this. The 2 of us would drive each other crazy, we are so different. Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:20pm
You know, I feel the same way....I think when I get to that point I wouldn't mind at all living near other seniors with a little assistance if need be. Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:21pm
((((Lori)))), please tell me we will not be this stubborn when our time comes. Hugs, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:25pm
Thank you BB, I think you're right. We will never pry her out of that house,she will die there. Hopefully she will let us know when she needs extra help. I have not gone to visit her in 9 years, she always comes here. I cannot staep foot into that house of hers, it is such a mess. She will NOT let us purge or do anything, so that's a problem. If she would let me go through some things I would go down there and do it. When I offer, she says, "You can do it when I die". Gabby

       


 


                              &n

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