If it doesn't come from my heart I don't

Avatar for hulagirl_leilani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
If it doesn't come from my heart I don't
10
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:15am
As you girls know I am pretty ill right now. But even when I feel this horrible I push my self to the max and do the right thing.... which is probably dumb because my body is going to do with it what it wants NO MATTER HOW HARD I WANT MY LIFE BE HEALTHY. Okay today I gave up to fight this because fighting the lupus is a no win situation. It is sucking me dry of the enery I have left. So today I thought why don't I do things for myself and people that comes from my soul then to keep hitting my head against a wall when the person your try to teach love to does not love you... never will... Okay so I decided I am giving up the battle because I love myself and want to live a long healthy life.To convince my mother in law that I am not a worm of the dust is taking more energy out of me then what I have stored up in my body right now.I can not take my mil abuse any more. So for once I am going stand up to her and tell her in the best possible way I can paint her garden thingy for her because it would not be a labor of love nor would it come from my heart. I would be painting her this thing to look like me which she would hate so why play this stupid game with her.It would make her unhappy if the little girl is not painted white with blond hair but then on the other hand William would love me more for doing this for her out of respect because she is his mom but I can't play this game any more with her for William's sake. Girls I have done so much for her just to keep the peace in the family but my body is getting run down and I can not play the games any more. I refuse to do stuff for people in my old age that in my mind and soul it is not coming from the heart and would take more engery out of me then I can spare at this time. And if my MIL does not understand that then so be it.I am not a phoney person and I feel that I would loose respect for Hula Girl if I paint this object for her. So I am just going to come out and say I am sorry but I am ill and I don't want to do it... I don't know if any of you girls understand this but if I say I love you or I do some thing for you then it comes from my heart. I always believe that saying which states above all else be true and honest with your self. Life is to hard for me right now to throw all my precious energy into some thing that the person receiving the gift doesn't really appreciate the time or the energy it took me to paint this for her especially when she does not like me and never will because I am not white. I think I have finally came to my senses to make me happy and if I do that it will make people around me enjoy me more.. Do any of you girls understand this? I am not well enough to keep on using up my energy on people don't appriciate it right now. I do not think I am being mean to my MIL with my decision I just can not play her game any more because it makes me feel like a worm of the dust.. I would rather spend my time on the people who I love and they love me bratty with horns and all. It is a choice I have made. And there are so many people out there in the world that needs a hula girl hug kiss and pat on the poo-poo then her. I feel sorry for my MIL because of her hate for her fellow humane beings.

So that was my first decision I made today.... my second decision is that I am going to take my time and paint my underwater fountain sceen that I been wanting to paint for years. At least it will keep me busy, happy, and I will feel I am being productive instead of laying around here feeling sorry for myself...

Moral of my story is this girl make yourself happy and every thing will fall into place.

Good night girls,

Your very bratty and sick Hula Girl

Aloha,

Lei

 

Avatar for cl_campmum_of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Leilani, I agree if you do not feel like painting it for her then do not paint it. She is not very warming to you (to say the least) and I think that if you paint this is just shows her that she has still the power over you...especially if you do not feel like painting it for her.

All I can say is stay true to your own feelings and you are doing what is right for you!

Good luck and feel better soon! Lor

     

 

          

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Lei, I'd rather you not paint it in that case. Your

happiness is more important.

I'm still going to pray for God

to take total control over your

Lupus. Nothing else will

work.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

aloha,

Cindy


~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-1998
Leilani, bravo! I am so glad that you have come to this decision. You're right, this project would be consuming too much of what little precious energy you have right now, and you would feel resentful and hurt no matter how positive you tried to be. I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell her that you are just not up to the task. She probably will not accept that, but that's her problem.

I was wondering about your underwater scene -- where are you painting it? Hope we get to see pictures.

Lei, I think of you daily and hope that you're feeling better. I just hate that you're so sick right now.

Many hugs,

Red

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Good girl...you just learned same lesson i went thru with in-laws. Nothing Made one of my inlaws happy..no matter how i tried...So I decided to quit taking the abuse because all it did was make me miserable. I started saying NO and that day it made a big difference in my life. I know longer felt drained and abused. Start enjoying yourself and do the things you would like to do...Take care and be happy, Jamie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Your first concern should be yourself. Your energy should be well spent - towards yourself and those that love you. Never mind those that don't care about you or your feelings.

Make yourself happy now!

Lots of hugs!

LM
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Hula Girl,

I'm with you 100%. I, too, have an incurable and basically untreatable disease that rules my life. I, too, have only so much to give and want to spend what little I have to give in a way that will best serve all concerned. Instead of a difficult in-law, I have difficult parents who are aged, ill, and dying before my eyes and won't let my brother and me help them. I do what I can for them, and that has to be enough for all of us. My SO struggles to cope wth my disease, but it puts a tremendous strain on him. I prefer to focus my energies on making life as beautiful for us as possible. Maybe that's selfish, but it's what feels right. Paint your screen. Create something beautiful. I believe that healing always comes from following your heart.

For you, I will pray for a change of heart in your MIL and for help with your illness. I will send you healing energy when I can. Be good to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
You go Girl! I am behind you all the way! MIL is so selfish to ask you to do this for her when she knows how sick you are. If she doesn't like your telling her no tell her to come see me! The broad will never bother you again:) Love ya, Bernie
Hugs, Bernie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Dang Lei,

Did want to see that garden thing painted like you. It would have been beautful. I think I do understand, so let mil have someone else turn it into a blonde troll. LOL

Do something that makes you feel good. Better for you in the long run anyway. At one time I did things to "keep the peace", not anymore because it wasn't giving me any peace. Just don't need that, isn't good for you at all. In the end doesn't "keep the peace" either. In my experience the more you did the more they wanted. A no win situation.

So, yes Lei I do understand. Do for you and I hope remission finds you again soon.

Hugs,

Rain

5360774911227568598063_610w

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Leilani, you really have to take care of yourself in all respects. Do what feels right to you. Otherwise, you'll just be fighting the current the whole way and, as you say, you just don't have the energy for that. Take care of yourself and be happy.

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Good for you! Sometimes it's best just to be honest and everything else works out. Have fun with your underwater scene!! Hugs, Gabby

       


 


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