If it doesn't come from my heart I don't
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If it doesn't come from my heart I don't
| Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:15am |
As you girls know I am pretty ill right now. But even when I feel this horrible I push my self to the max and do the right thing.... which is probably dumb because my body is going to do with it what it wants NO MATTER HOW HARD I WANT MY LIFE BE HEALTHY. Okay today I gave up to fight this because fighting the lupus is a no win situation. It is sucking me dry of the enery I have left. So today I thought why don't I do things for myself and people that comes from my soul then to keep hitting my head against a wall when the person your try to teach love to does not love you... never will... Okay so I decided I am giving up the battle because I love myself and want to live a long healthy life.To convince my mother in law that I am not a worm of the dust is taking more energy out of me then what I have stored up in my body right now.I can not take my mil abuse any more. So for once I am going stand up to her and tell her in the best possible way I can paint her garden thingy for her because it would not be a labor of love nor would it come from my heart. I would be painting her this thing to look like me which she would hate so why play this stupid game with her.It would make her unhappy if the little girl is not painted white with blond hair but then on the other hand William would love me more for doing this for her out of respect because she is his mom but I can't play this game any more with her for William's sake. Girls I have done so much for her just to keep the peace in the family but my body is getting run down and I can not play the games any more. I refuse to do stuff for people in my old age that in my mind and soul it is not coming from the heart and would take more engery out of me then I can spare at this time. And if my MIL does not understand that then so be it.I am not a phoney person and I feel that I would loose respect for Hula Girl if I paint this object for her. So I am just going to come out and say I am sorry but I am ill and I don't want to do it... I don't know if any of you girls understand this but if I say I love you or I do some thing for you then it comes from my heart. I always believe that saying which states above all else be true and honest with your self. Life is to hard for me right now to throw all my precious energy into some thing that the person receiving the gift doesn't really appreciate the time or the energy it took me to paint this for her especially when she does not like me and never will because I am not white. I think I have finally came to my senses to make me happy and if I do that it will make people around me enjoy me more.. Do any of you girls understand this? I am not well enough to keep on using up my energy on people don't appriciate it right now. I do not think I am being mean to my MIL with my decision I just can not play her game any more because it makes me feel like a worm of the dust.. I would rather spend my time on the people who I love and they love me bratty with horns and all. It is a choice I have made. And there are so many people out there in the world that needs a hula girl hug kiss and pat on the poo-poo then her. I feel sorry for my MIL because of her hate for her fellow humane beings.
So that was my first decision I made today.... my second decision is that I am going to take my time and paint my underwater fountain sceen that I been wanting to paint for years. At least it will keep me busy, happy, and I will feel I am being productive instead of laying around here feeling sorry for myself...
Moral of my story is this girl make yourself happy and every thing will fall into place.
Good night girls,
Your very bratty and sick Hula Girl

All I can say is stay true to your own feelings and you are doing what is right for you!
Good luck and feel better soon! Lor
happiness is more important.
I'm still going to pray for God
to take total control over your
Lupus. Nothing else will
work.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
aloha,
Cindy
~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~
I was wondering about your underwater scene -- where are you painting it? Hope we get to see pictures.
Lei, I think of you daily and hope that you're feeling better. I just hate that you're so sick right now.
Many hugs,
Red
Make yourself happy now!
Lots of hugs!
LM
I'm with you 100%. I, too, have an incurable and basically untreatable disease that rules my life. I, too, have only so much to give and want to spend what little I have to give in a way that will best serve all concerned. Instead of a difficult in-law, I have difficult parents who are aged, ill, and dying before my eyes and won't let my brother and me help them. I do what I can for them, and that has to be enough for all of us. My SO struggles to cope wth my disease, but it puts a tremendous strain on him. I prefer to focus my energies on making life as beautiful for us as possible. Maybe that's selfish, but it's what feels right. Paint your screen. Create something beautiful. I believe that healing always comes from following your heart.
For you, I will pray for a change of heart in your MIL and for help with your illness. I will send you healing energy when I can. Be good to yourself.
Did want to see that garden thing painted like you. It would have been beautful. I think I do understand, so let mil have someone else turn it into a blonde troll. LOL
Do something that makes you feel good. Better for you in the long run anyway. At one time I did things to "keep the peace", not anymore because it wasn't giving me any peace. Just don't need that, isn't good for you at all. In the end doesn't "keep the peace" either. In my experience the more you did the more they wanted. A no win situation.
So, yes Lei I do understand. Do for you and I hope remission finds you again soon.
Hugs,
Rain
Kat
&n