I have a Problem.............

Avatar for tinybuns
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
I have a Problem.............
10
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 12:13pm
I hope someone can give me some insight in this:

Here I am a 48 yr old woman, who along with her husband have run our own business for the past 25 yrs. We are, on average, totally 50-50 in the operations. Why is it that I am not allowed to make a mistake????? Not only do I do the physical part of the work, but also I handled all the bookwork, including both home and business.

He gets mad at me, and yells at me. Don't get me wrong, otherwise he is the greatest guy I know. And this is the only place where we have a problem. Atleast in my opinion.

We run an upholstery shop, recovering furniture, etc. I do all the sewing so when I make a mistake it usually causes him some extra work. I can see where he would not like that.

But there have also been plenty of cases where HE has made the mistake and it costs us both more work, and sometimes money, but I don't yell at him. Why is he allowed to make mistakes and I'm not??

It is getting where I don't like doing what we are anymore, just because of that fact. I have told him that he makes me feel bad and it demeans me. And it also puts an awful lot of pressure on me, thus making it even worse. I am so afraid of goofing up that I am actually doing it more often.

I don't know if I am doing a good job of presenting the situation, so if you have any questions please ask.

We have built this business from ground zero into a very succesful one. We are at the point where we can relax some where the business is concerned, you know, we always have enough business that we no longer have to worry about money and are enjoying the fruits of our labor finally so to speak. What's going on here????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 1:07pm
Well it sounds to me like he just seems to think if he yells at you it will make you stop making those mistakes. Try asking him what he hopes to do when he yells at you like that and see what his answer is. Do this of course when you are not angry and neither is he. I could never work with my husband for that very reason. Sounds like you and your dh need to work this one out.

Good luck

Hugs

Mary

                          &n
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 6:04pm
Ahhh, yes, the joys of working together. I could never imagine working with my dh, loved him dearly but the time apart at separate jobs made us glad to see each other in the evenings! Sounds like it's worked for you two though, 25 years in business means you've done a lot of things right! I do wonder, though, if your dh's anger over your mistakes is really about your mistakes or if there's something else simmering under the surface. Maybe he's really tired of all the responsibility and pressure of having your own business. Also, since you've spoken to him about how his yelling makes you feel and he has chosen to ignore your feelings, I suspect a professional counselor would be a logical next step. Sometimes our guys need to hear it from someone else for it to hit home! Another suggestion - when he gets "lit up", try walking away for a few minutes without responding. By the time you do this about a dozen times and some sewing doesn't get done, it might dawn on him that you won't let him get away with his obnoxious behavior! I agree with Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us! And sometimes we have to teach them how NOT to, too!!!

Good luck, you talented lady you! I can't sew a straight line with a fancy sewing machine, finally sold the darn thing. All it did for 20 years was collect dust! LOL!

Hugs, Pam

Avatar for sassysooze
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 6:41pm
Hi Julie,

You've already got a couple of good responses here. I'm wondering about another possibility. Maybe if you are set financially, its time for you to train another seamstress and you stop carrying so much of the load?? Its just a thought. It sounds as though the two of you have worked very hard to build this business and now maybe the pressure of keeping it successful is getting to your husband and he is taking it out on you?? I don't believe my dh and I could work together.....never tried it, but I don't think I want to!

Good luck and hugs!

Sooze

Susan siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 7:50pm
My husband and I have worked together for the last 15 years and I think mutual respect has kept us from killing each other. Sometimes he screws up, sometimes I do, but I respect the work he does and he respects mine. If my husband ever yelled at me I would tell him calmly (with a hint of craziness in my eye) that if he ever raises his voice to me again, that's IT. I would simply not allow it, just as I would never allow him to hit me. I think your husband takes his frustration out on you because he knows it's safe to do so. I bet he wouldn't start hollering at his best friend if he made a mistake. Most people can control their emotions when the stakes are high enough - you yell at your friend, your friend drops you like a hot potato!

You could also calmly point out to him that he also makes mistakes and how would HE like it if you started yelling and humilitating him? There have been times when my husband and I have had some heated discussions about business, but it's never come to yelling or demeaning each other.

I hope this helps!

love,

eldri

love,

Eldri

Avatar for tinybuns
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 8:23pm
Thanks to all of you for your replies...........

Acutally, what I did, is right after he yelled at me, I looked at him, and told him "So I made a mistake, are you perfect?" then came and posted.

After work we talked it throu....and a few of you have hit it right on the button. He is getting fustrated with the demands of the business. I never thought of that as a reason behind it until a few of you pointed it out.

Just because the buiness is doing so good, we both decided to try to take it alittle easier and make the buiness less demanding on us. Which we are in the process of doing.

SOOOOOOOOO many women have asked me how I can stand to work with my husband all day long and then be together for rest. It has always just worked out well for us. Our roles in the buiness just naturally seem to fall into place and have to say it....we enjoy working with each other most of the time. There are always expections. A particularly hard day when nothing goes right, etc.

Then after work, we have our time away from each other. His friends always remark on how he is able to get away to go play golf or fast-pitch softball soooooooo often without me complaining, well.............I'm with him all day long, glad to get rid of him for awhile, LOL...........and I go do what I like to do with my friends. No really we just enjoy each other. I guess that is rare from the other women I talk to.

He's a great guy and I couldn't ask for more.

Thanks again..........I just was mad and needed to vent at the time. It just got to me today, usually when something like this happens, we end up fighting abit, and also in a joking sort of way also, but also being serious. If you know what I mean. Whatever, it works for us. We have a good relationship and work things out when we have a problem........ He is my best friend.

Julie ((Hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:25pm
25 years is a long time to run a business together and alot of time to spend together every day. There are bound to be some disagreements once in a while. I hope you can just sit down and have a long heart-to-heart about this. I admire your dedication to your work. Hugs, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

Avatar for cl_campmum_of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:50pm
Julie, sounds like you took care of it and things are working out, that is great! I think that often we do take for granted the person we are closest to and so it makes it easier to make comments we would otherwise not make to others.

I don't work with my dh but I notice that when the guys here are laid off their work and are home for a few months at a time that many of the other wives have had it by end of week one, but for me I really don't mind having him home.

Happy that you worked it out!

Hugs, Lor

     

 

          

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 11:20pm
I'm so glad to hear you have such good comunication and that you decided to take it a little easier. Big Hugs, Gabby

       


 


                              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 9:16am
I know what you mean about needing to be apart. I also am glad to see dh get away from me for awhile - LOL. Too much "togetherness" can be bad. I can't ever see my dh retire, but I have BIG plans to spend long leisurely days in my gardens.

Glad everything worked out!

love,

eldri

love,

Eldri

Avatar for tinybuns
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 7:51pm
Thanks for all your kind words...........

Actually, thanks is not enough. You all have made me feel soooo much better just by replying to me little problem. Yes, we are very blessed to have a good marriage.

But you hear of people who have been married 35 -40 yrs and then get divorced, so really a marriage is never out of the woods. That is why we both make sure that we take care of each other, from little acts of kindness to the big problems. But every once in awhile the thought comes across my mind that one day he will wake up and just decide he has had enough of me..................

Don't like those thoughts!!!!!!!!! We'll be married 30 yrs this September, hard to believe, the time has gone by so fast. That is one reason we have decided to make life alittle easier for ourselves and enjoy the time we do have, we are not getting any younger.

Thanks again............Julie