? for those whose loved ones...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
? for those whose loved ones...
10
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:08pm

have had major surgery.

I want to be by myself when he's in surgery. I don't want to feel like I have to "take care of" or "entertain" family members who may come. I've been through sitting through two surgeries of dh's in the past year. His surgery on the 29th is, obviously, more serious than those were and much longer, but I *really* don't want to have to take care of anyone else or have anyone butting in on my reflections, meditations, and visualizations that have gotten me through his prior surgeries. Did anyone else feel this way?

My dd, 25yo, and her bf are still staying with us. I *know* my dd. She is a caretaker to the nth degree! She is going to feel like she needs to come and take care of me during his surgery. I don't know if any of his cousins, who are like siblings to one another, will be showing up at the hospital, too. Actually, if my dd comes, I hope someone else does show up. I can whisper in each of their ears that I need them to help take care of the other one. LOL Then I can take care of me.

There are many things that we won't find out about the surgery until the day before surgery, ie, what time he goes in, how long it will be before I can see him, if someone will come out to let me know how he's doing, etc.

As for my dd, I had NO IDEA that they were going to be staying this long! She told me a week or ten days. Well, it's been about two weeks now. Yes, they are job hunting. Yes, they are apartment hunting. However, it doesn't seem like they are doing so anxiously. I want my house back, but I want her out of that hell hole (excuse the language, but I am being literal) she was living in worse. So we are just trying to encourage them to keep at it. There is no financial strain with them staying here as they are paying their way, but we are so used to it just being the two of us except for a few days here and there. My mom told me that kids are like sponges and always coming back. LOL

The best part is, after this dd moves out, my younger dd, 21yo, and her two kids, 2yo and 7mo, will be coming to stay with us for 4-6 weeks. Yes, I did offer this in order to get her out of that place. I even offered to help with daycare during that time. It's hard when it's more important to get our kids and grandkids out of that place than it is to keep our home our own. LOL

 


Photobucket


My posts are a matter of opinion based on research and personal experience and are not legal or medical advice.


PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket


Photobucket

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 9:13pm

My son asked if he could live with me for a month or so.about 4 or so years ago.


Duston ended up with me for 18mths.He even moved over here when I did.


I was thinking he wasnt going to leave.At the same time Pregnant Holly and Tajh moved in.


About the major surgery issue?.I cant relate.I've always been the paitent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 1:31pm

Hi Steph


I don't mind having people there with me while I am waiting for someone who is having surgery. However I really don't like it if they seem to think they need to take care of me while they are there. I sure hope your Dh surgery will go well. Will be keeping him in my prayers.


HUGS


                          &n
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 2:49pm

Thank you both for your thoughtful answers. I talked to my counselor about this yesterday. I'm feeling much better and more in control of things, as much as I can right now, after doing so. :)

DH came to me this morning to let me know that we will be working on the aftermath together even though, right now, he's needed to be introspective right now. That is all I wanted from him. I was concerned about this from things he had said recently.

For myself, I am using meditation, visualization, and my "self" to be okay right now. I will continue to do so. That, and our love for one another, will get us through this together.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-1999
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 9:12pm

Steph, Hugs...my hubby had prostate surgury about 3 years ago....sooo if you have questions/fustrations/ concerns/ just email me...I will try and help...Keeping you both in my prayers....


Hugs Ruth




Edited 1/26/2008 8:33 am ET by rjohn99

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 12:32am
Thank you so much for the support, Ruth! It feels good to have that right now.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-1999
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 8:35am

Steph...Removed my email addy...figure you have it now!


 


Avatar for hulagirl_leilani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 12:21am

Steph through emails to each other you know I have been there and done that when William had prostate cancer and surgery. This is what I did... I point blank told everyone that I could not take care of any one else then William period and that they were on their own when taking care of their needs.

Aloha,

Lei

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 1:23am

Lei- Thank you. I do appreciate your advice, thoughtfulness, insight, and openness. I think that I'm going to be okay. Now, my worries are lying more with him, where they rightly should be.

We have been trying to take care of the practicalities. It's very frustrating that we can't get info on the surgery and hospital that we should have had long ago and still don't have, ie, how they let the family know what's happening, how long the surgery is, where we go and even WHEN we are supposed to show up. ARGH and GRRR Yeah, it's pretty stupid that we don't have this information.

The good news is that dh is in good spirits. I looked up his surgeon online. First, dh is in the province you should be in if you have to get cancer as they have the highest cure rate. Second, his cancer clinic is rated number one for prostate cancer. Third, his surgeon is WOW! This guy is the "A" doctor on the team. He has several fellowships with national medical organizations both in Canada AND the U.S. He received his first fellowship five years after medical school. He operates and is on the board of a research organization for medications for prostate cancer. ETC. When the staff page for the hospital opens, it defaults to him. :) This was a great comfort to us! I told dh that I hope this guy doesn't have a family because, if he does, his wife is raising the kids. LOL

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 10:15am

I think I would appreciate someone there for moral support but would not want to nor feel the need to take care of someone else


but often I was alone when waiting for someone after surgery....because there was no one else


I hope all goes well


hugs


Dutch

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 7:22pm
Thanks so much, Dutch!

Photobucket