punky_13...I want to ask you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
punky_13...I want to ask you....
8
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 2:07pm
Hi Punky!

In replying to my post, you mentioned that your m/c was your fault.

I was wondering why you feel that way, and if there is anything I can do to help you think it through or see it differently. Can you give me the facts, hon? I would be interested to know why you believe this because it is a heavy burden to bear and I would like to help you lighten the load.

Only if you want to, k?

With love,

Owlessa :>

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:16pm
(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))) hoping you'll tell your story, punky!! i miscarried, too, not too long ago, either~ it's not easy- but we're here to talk, and cry with you if you need it!

bec

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:27pm
well, i told the story in the other post but just in case i'll tell it here too.

I was 15, no money, no insurance, the guy who got me pregnant flat out told me he wouldn't help me or be around if i had the baby. He said he would even deny that it was his if it came down to that. I was depressed, and had no one to turn to for support, and wasn't sure I could do it.

So i overdosed, trying to kill myself. my mom found me and took me to the ER, few days later i was bleeding and went to a ob/gyn and she told me i had miscarried.

ever since i think about it every single day and i can't believe i did something so incredibly selfish. i am ashamed even talking about it. i don't tell people usually because i think they will hate me or judge me as a bad person... it's just insanely hard to deal with, i'm still dealing with it every single day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:35pm
punky, everyone makes mistakes, that's part of life. But you're a better person, because unlike so many others, you learned something from it all. Not to mention your hormones were probably raging at the time and had a good bit of hold on you. Try not to let your remorse control you, though no doubt you will feel it for a very long time. You were just being human. And very very young. You're not a bad person for what happened.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:42pm
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

well, hon, everybody makes mistakes- and being a pregnant teen cant be easy! i mean, it's hard for us married ones!!!

have you thought about maybe naming your baby, and writing letters to him/her? it makes the process of grieving a little easier, if you have "someone" to grieve for, you know? maybe light a candle for her every now and then?

don't beat yourself up about it, hon~ there's nothing you can do about it now, and all you can do is for your next child, whenever that is~

(((HUGS)))

bec

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:43pm
thank you. i know i will feel guilty for a long time, but i feel like i need to do something to compensate for what i did.

i'm only 16 and i'm hoping i'm pregnant! sheesh!! i know i am too young and i am scared about it, but at the same time i'm hoping that it's positive tomorrow because i want to make up for what i did before. i would do ANYTHING for this baby (if it's positive) and i would dedicate my whole life to making him/her happy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:56am
Punky,

I think all of us sympathize with how difficult your miscarriage must have been for you. Your circumstances were very traumatic. Have you been able to get some counseling? M/C is difficult enough to process as it is, let along when it involves the emotional turmoil you went through. It would help ease the pain and the guilt and help you through the healing process.

I certainly understand your desire to go back and take a different path than the one you took before. The question everyone I know who has gone through m/c has asked themselves is when is the right time to walk that path.

You are still so young and have so much of a future ahead of you. There is so much time to have the baby you desire. I'm not knocking the urge. I had the strong urge to have a child from the time I was in my early teens. I just knew from seeing a friend of my older sister's go through teen parenthood how exruciatingly difficult it was, especially on the mother.

I ended up not having my first child until I was 26, and there were times that the only way I survived was to just live minute by minute and rely on the strong network that I had managed to make in adulthood. As difficult as it is, and I think every person on this board who already has a child would second this, parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. But I'm so glad I waited. I had so many wonderful experiences. I graduated from college and started a career that was exciting. And I think those experiences only enriched my ability to parent.

I read from other posts that your period this month was rather abnormal. It is not unusual to have af's that are a bit freaky now and again when you're in your teens. Mine didn't get regular until I was about 18, and I had started when I had just turned 11.

If you do end up being pregnant, I can tell you will do your best. And I urge you to seek out and make a network for yourself before the baby is born. There are programs in almost every city to help. Use them. It will make all the difference to you and your baby.

Good luck. I wish you the best, and I will pray that you will get the support you need to heal and move forward.

Yours,

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 11:21am
Hiya!

Punky, Kate has brought of a few topics that I think are worth your looking further into...I wanted to elaborate on that beautiful voice of reason.

First of all, I am so sorry that life has dealt you a hard hand...sometimes we are put in situations that we cannot choose and it is hard to get a hold on the good stuff...we get trapped....there seems like there are no solutions...your feelings are real....thank you for sharing your pain with us.

I want to say a few things:

First, ok, you got pregnant and had no support...that must be hard, considering that you are so young....I understand.

You chose a way out, which was your attempted suicide....but let's start with the pregnancy first, ok?

I want you to know that although it may have been a factor in your m/c, it MAY NOT have been. Twenty percent of ALL pregnancies end in m/c...healthy women too! Your stress level and all that you were going through may have been factors too, but there are many other reasons that you may not have been able to have that child. There are genetics, which is the most common reason, or hormones - your body may not have produced enogh to support the pregnancy, or if you believe it, as many do - it was God's way of helping you to grow a bit before letting you be a mom...it was FOR you. Do not blame yourself...DO NOT think that you were being punished or that you made that happen. Doctors don't even know why m/c occurs in every case...remember, a lot of women who unfortunately take drugs or drink through their pregnancies don't always lose their babies.

But let's look a little deeper at your situation as a whole. Let's look at your desire to become pregnant. Honey, you are young, but I see things in your life which, of course, would make you want someone to love you unconditionally. But before you try to get that through bringing another person into this world, I think you may want to try to get it from yourself and your family. Take advantage of your youth and what the world has to offer YOU! Maybe try to strengthen yourself and your bonds with your parents by talking to a counselor (yes, there are FREE programs for this too!)...get to the core of alll of this stuff, and you may find that what you are searching for is right in front of you...it is YOU! Please do not try to "make up" for your lost pregnancy by trying again...later on, you may realize that the answer was just to understand more about yourself and your situation. Life is hard - VERY hard....give yourself a chance to grow, learn, see things and find love in yourself. I wish I could put my arms around you and tell you how much I hurt for you, but honey, life gets easier with more knowledge, education and love. Find that for YOU....THEN share what you have found with someone who deserves GREAT YOU. You respected the people who wrote to you b/c you thought they were strong...GET strong for yourself! We are here to help you find the way....there are many people who want to help you. I want you to know that you are not alone.

Start by forgiving yourself and making peace with your past decisions...work through them.

Once you can forgive yourself, you can start to heal and move on and make good decisions.

I am not judging you for what you have chosen before...I am glad that you made it through. But take it as a second chance to make some changes for yourself...do it for yourself...you are worth it! Your sharing with us shows me that you are a fighter and that you are on your way to a good life. Keep fighting! You are a great woman, a strong woman, a women with some stuff to deal with, but we all have stuff that we must come to terms with. Hang in there, punky...reach for the stars, they are yours to reach for...and people out there who want to help you get to where you want to be.

I am so glad that you are here with us..thank you again for having the strength and courage to share...I feel honored that you gifted me with your story...

With much respect and love,

Owlessa :>


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 11:58am
Hey Punky :)

I just wanted to second everything Kate and Owlessa said. I couldn't have said it better! I continue to be amazed by the care and love shared by others on this board!!!! I hope you can open your mind and heart and let some of the things they spoke of sink in. Their messages were clearly written from experience and from the heart. Wishing you all the best! :) Missy