Mommy as Martyr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mommy as Martyr
13
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:29am
Hi everyone!

I have a question.

Recently, I sent an email to my mom saying that I was feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. Kids first, then husband, then mom, way down at the bottom. I have given up everything that I enjoyed to stay home (going out with friends, piano lessons, waxing appointments, etc.) I am sure that we have all made sacrafices for the sake of the family and the kids. In the email that I sent to my mom, I was basically feeling bad about it.

What she said back is that I was being selfish and now that I am a mom, the kids DO come first and I should have thought of that before I had them. I should just be happy being healthy. Like the "eat what's on your plate because there are starving people in China" mentality.

But I contend that I grew up with this "martyr" of a mother. She always cleaned. Never went out with friends. Never bought herself anything. Didn't spend any money, period. My mom wasn't happy. I think that she romantizes being a stay-at-home home now, but at the time, she was always, always cleaning and busy being broke.

Anyway, my question is:

Am I wrong to want some of the little things back? Like my waxing appointments? Does everyone think that you (as the mom) have to give up everything for the kids and the husband? Sometimes, I feel like the fact that I gave up my career and my body is enough. Am I just the most selfish, ungrateful person?

Thanks for any imput. Even if you agree with my mom.

;)

Melissa
Meldi

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:31am
Melissa,

That is how it is for a little while. How old are the children? My youngest is now 9. I am still not working outside of the home and things are actually alot easier. When they were younger, I had NO TIME for myself! I mean taking a bath was an act of god because they would yell under the door for me even if my husband was home! You have to take the little things that you can get. Learn to feel better through them (if you taught a one year old a new word, be happy about that). I never went anywhere or did anything when they were little and if you have the right frame of mind about it, you will learn to deal with it. If the one thing you want is to be waxed, one appointment a month is not a bad thing. Have your husband stay with the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:53am
Mellissa,

I think you mom was insensitive. Just because things worked that way when you were little doesn't mean it needs to be the same way for you. Times are different now. If you want to spend time to yourself or with friends why don't you get a babysitter once in a while and do it. Even if it's only once a month. Maybe you and your husband can take turns watching the kids and having a night out. Or you can do what my husband and I do and get a sitter for a set night each week and have a date night. I have one little boy who is 13 months old. I guess I'm lucky. My husband doesn't mind taking Tyler (my son) to the store with him so I can have time to myself. Or he'll give Tyler his bath so I can read a magazine in peace. I hope this helps. Even with good support systems I still feel like I have no time to myself sometimes.

Avatar for colejbmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:05am
I agree that you have to enjoy little things. To me a cup of coffee and some peace to read through a magazine is my favorite part of the day. That said- I disagree that you should learn to deal with going nowhere and doing nothing. I didn't leave DS for one minute the first 12 weeks of his life and I rarely left him with someone else until I went to work for last summerwhen he was 15 months old.

I don't think though that the one thing you should have to look forward to is hair removal! I take three hours a week to run on the treadmill, a couple times a year I get a pedicure, and monthly I met with other mommies. Just some little things to look forward to. Not saying you should jet off to Vegas every weekend or anything. Find something you enjoy to do in the evening when the kids are in bed that you can do at home and plan at least one evening out a month. Invite your girlfriends over. I don't think you can be a good mom if you not happy and I need time for my self to be happy.

Jill
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:21am
Oh my gosh, no you shouldnt feel as if you no longer can make time for yourself just because you are a mom. I do agree that your child is your number one priority and that they do come first over your needs. However, that does not mean that you can not go anywere. My daughter is 8 months old and I never went out. Recently I have been making a point of going to the gym 3-4 days a week. I notice that I have so much more patience for my daughter as a result. I agree it makes you a more patient mommy when you are not always under the demands of being a mom. By all means, make time for your self, it is important to not only you but to your child and husband. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:35pm
Thank you for all your support!

Ironically enough, I do go out every day. I bring Aspen to the gym with me, 5 days a week (unless she's sick...and she gets sick from all the other kids in the gym day care so it's sort of a catch-22). I am seeing my girlfriends this weekend. I think it's the giving up of all the monetary things that bothers me the most. I mean, baby NEEDS new clothes because she grows. Hubby NEEDS new suits and shoes because he works. Since I don't have an NEEDS (like, who really cares other than me if I wear sweats all the time? Would my husband even see my moustache? ha ha). So, I don't buy myself anything new or feel really, really guilty if I do. That's what I meant about coming last. That's where my mom was like, "just be glad for the roof over your head" talk. Blah, blah, blah.

And I'm pregnant again (due at the end of July and baby girl is 11 months old right now). I think that my hormones are just getting to me and making me a little touchy!

Thanks again, ladies!

Melissa
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:18pm
I just think happiness is what you make of it. My husband was in the military and I can honestly say that I NEVER left my children with friends or anyone. My husband and I decided to dedicate ourselves to each other and the children. Don't forget that everything is temporary and they will only be children for a very short time. I am 37 now and my youngest is 9 years old and soon will be my time and my husbands time. We all get overwhelmed at times, however WE are the ones who decided to have kids (and our hubbies, of course) and I just think sometimes we are too much into what we have "lost" and not at what we have "gained". I would hate for ANYONE to look back and say wow, those WERE the good times and what happened??? I felt like I needed the weekly maincure, working out at the gym or whatever the case may be. I would have been very upset if I had not been there when my children took their first steps or said their first words. As far as walking on the treadmill, I am assuming that is at home and so what??? If the kids are with you, that is not what I am talking about. YOU and I make the decision evey day if we are going to be happy or not. It is not about manicures, treadmills or whatever. If you WANT to be happy, you will. If you do not WANT to be happy or if you complain over not enough personal time or every little thing that goes wrong, you will act or be miserable. I don't mean to be rude, but i have 4 children and stayed home with EVERY ONE of them and believe it or not, both them and I have been happy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:28pm
Congratulations on your new little one! Mine are about that close too. Seventeen months between the oldest and next to oldest. You have a couple more to go to catch up with me! (haha) Alot of it is probably hormones and I don't buy things for myself either. It is strange because you will get used to not buying things for you and then when you are able to afford it, you will not want anything (that is how I am now). I guess after being cheap for so long, you just get used to it. I hope you feel better soon and this too shall pass!
Avatar for heavensjubilee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: meldi
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:46pm
Awww Melissa. I am so sorry that your mom was that harsh to you. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting something for yourself, even if is pain causing (OUCH waxing!). You deserve it. All SAHP need time to themselves for the little things for 1 reason. It is those little things that make it easier to deal with the kids and hubbies on a daily basis. I personally don't get really any time to myself except late at night when everyone goes to sleep and there isn't much I can do except read, x-stitch, or play on here. I used to have MNO with a group I am a member of but I haven't done that since Sept. or Oct. and it shows. I lose it quicker that I used to with even that few hrs a month out. Pampering yourself is a must with everything that goes on in our lives. Don't forget that you need to keep yourself happy before you can keep everyone else happy, even if it is painful (can you tell I would never do that?? LOL). Take time for yourself and ignore your mom. What was "right" for her isn't necessarily "right" for you!! Keep your chin up and a smile on your face and you can do anything!!! HTH!!!


Erica

Better half to Tommy (7-7-01)

Mommy to Taylor Katherine (7-19-00) and TJ (9-7-02)

Check out our Family's site at http://pages.ivillage.com/heavensjubilee/


http://www.internetmoms.net/cgi-bin/team.cgi?id=Er38474&action=show



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: meldi
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 2:40pm

hmm well yes i can relate...after the first child came i did try and maintain some of what i was..but it didn't take long after #2 and #3 came that i became buried under the children.


I mean i have no problem with them being the priority i think that way however i do think a mum needs something for herself..a stress relief something that is for her.


I buy magazines, will

Pamela Mom Of 3

Baby in need of a set of wheels? Visit the strollerboard

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: meldi
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 9:57pm
When our moms and grandmoms were raising children, the times were different. The mom was supposed to put everything aside for their children. Now, if you ask many of them about their lives when they had young kids, they would say (in all honesty) they hated it. My mom hated it, my grandma hated it, and my MIL hated it. You are right about the romanticizing of it. But they didn't like it either. They were martyrs.

When I complained that I have not had a vacation in a few years, my MIL said that when she was raising children they went over 10 years without a vacation and never grumbled because they needed the money for the family. This is the same woman who now takes vacations all the time. She loves them. I KNOW she hated not taking them when my hubby was younger.

When you are pregnant and have one in diapers it is so very hard to find a moment for yourself, but you will need to find that time. I make my hubby come home extra early at least once a week so I can retreat to the bedroom or go out. He also gets up early on the weekends to take care of our son. It is a little different in my situation because my son is 3 and in preschool, but I get my nails and hair done. I need to look good to feel good.

Find some other mommies you can trade off babysitting with. Join a moms group, they are wonderful. www.momsclub.com You can meet other moms in your situation, have playdates, moms nights out etc. When my son was younger, it was wonderful.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com

Pages