Mommy as Martyr
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Mommy as Martyr
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:29am |
Hi everyone!
I have a question.
Recently, I sent an email to my mom saying that I was feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. Kids first, then husband, then mom, way down at the bottom. I have given up everything that I enjoyed to stay home (going out with friends, piano lessons, waxing appointments, etc.) I am sure that we have all made sacrafices for the sake of the family and the kids. In the email that I sent to my mom, I was basically feeling bad about it.
What she said back is that I was being selfish and now that I am a mom, the kids DO come first and I should have thought of that before I had them. I should just be happy being healthy. Like the "eat what's on your plate because there are starving people in China" mentality.
But I contend that I grew up with this "martyr" of a mother. She always cleaned. Never went out with friends. Never bought herself anything. Didn't spend any money, period. My mom wasn't happy. I think that she romantizes being a stay-at-home home now, but at the time, she was always, always cleaning and busy being broke.
Anyway, my question is:
Am I wrong to want some of the little things back? Like my waxing appointments? Does everyone think that you (as the mom) have to give up everything for the kids and the husband? Sometimes, I feel like the fact that I gave up my career and my body is enough. Am I just the most selfish, ungrateful person?
Thanks for any imput. Even if you agree with my mom.
;)
Melissa
I have a question.
Recently, I sent an email to my mom saying that I was feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. Kids first, then husband, then mom, way down at the bottom. I have given up everything that I enjoyed to stay home (going out with friends, piano lessons, waxing appointments, etc.) I am sure that we have all made sacrafices for the sake of the family and the kids. In the email that I sent to my mom, I was basically feeling bad about it.
What she said back is that I was being selfish and now that I am a mom, the kids DO come first and I should have thought of that before I had them. I should just be happy being healthy. Like the "eat what's on your plate because there are starving people in China" mentality.
But I contend that I grew up with this "martyr" of a mother. She always cleaned. Never went out with friends. Never bought herself anything. Didn't spend any money, period. My mom wasn't happy. I think that she romantizes being a stay-at-home home now, but at the time, she was always, always cleaning and busy being broke.
Anyway, my question is:
Am I wrong to want some of the little things back? Like my waxing appointments? Does everyone think that you (as the mom) have to give up everything for the kids and the husband? Sometimes, I feel like the fact that I gave up my career and my body is enough. Am I just the most selfish, ungrateful person?
Thanks for any imput. Even if you agree with my mom.
;)
Melissa

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That is how it is for a little while. How old are the children? My youngest is now 9. I am still not working outside of the home and things are actually alot easier. When they were younger, I had NO TIME for myself! I mean taking a bath was an act of god because they would yell under the door for me even if my husband was home! You have to take the little things that you can get. Learn to feel better through them (if you taught a one year old a new word, be happy about that). I never went anywhere or did anything when they were little and if you have the right frame of mind about it, you will learn to deal with it. If the one thing you want is to be waxed, one appointment a month is not a bad thing. Have your husband stay with the kids
I think you mom was insensitive. Just because things worked that way when you were little doesn't mean it needs to be the same way for you. Times are different now. If you want to spend time to yourself or with friends why don't you get a babysitter once in a while and do it. Even if it's only once a month. Maybe you and your husband can take turns watching the kids and having a night out. Or you can do what my husband and I do and get a sitter for a set night each week and have a date night. I have one little boy who is 13 months old. I guess I'm lucky. My husband doesn't mind taking Tyler (my son) to the store with him so I can have time to myself. Or he'll give Tyler his bath so I can read a magazine in peace. I hope this helps. Even with good support systems I still feel like I have no time to myself sometimes.
I don't think though that the one thing you should have to look forward to is hair removal! I take three hours a week to run on the treadmill, a couple times a year I get a pedicure, and monthly I met with other mommies. Just some little things to look forward to. Not saying you should jet off to Vegas every weekend or anything. Find something you enjoy to do in the evening when the kids are in bed that you can do at home and plan at least one evening out a month. Invite your girlfriends over. I don't think you can be a good mom if you not happy and I need time for my self to be happy.
Jill
Ironically enough, I do go out every day. I bring Aspen to the gym with me, 5 days a week (unless she's sick...and she gets sick from all the other kids in the gym day care so it's sort of a catch-22). I am seeing my girlfriends this weekend. I think it's the giving up of all the monetary things that bothers me the most. I mean, baby NEEDS new clothes because she grows. Hubby NEEDS new suits and shoes because he works. Since I don't have an NEEDS (like, who really cares other than me if I wear sweats all the time? Would my husband even see my moustache? ha ha). So, I don't buy myself anything new or feel really, really guilty if I do. That's what I meant about coming last. That's where my mom was like, "just be glad for the roof over your head" talk. Blah, blah, blah.
And I'm pregnant again (due at the end of July and baby girl is 11 months old right now). I think that my hormones are just getting to me and making me a little touchy!
Thanks again, ladies!
Melissa
Erica
Better half to Tommy (7-7-01)
Mommy to Taylor Katherine (7-19-00) and TJ (9-7-02)
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hmm well yes i can relate...after the first child came i did try and maintain some of what i was..but it didn't take long after #2 and #3 came that i became buried under the children.
I mean i have no problem with them being the priority i think that way however i do think a mum needs something for herself..a stress relief something that is for her.
I buy magazines, will
Pamela Mom Of 3
Baby in need of a set of wheels? Visit the strollerboard
When I complained that I have not had a vacation in a few years, my MIL said that when she was raising children they went over 10 years without a vacation and never grumbled because they needed the money for the family. This is the same woman who now takes vacations all the time. She loves them. I KNOW she hated not taking them when my hubby was younger.
When you are pregnant and have one in diapers it is so very hard to find a moment for yourself, but you will need to find that time. I make my hubby come home extra early at least once a week so I can retreat to the bedroom or go out. He also gets up early on the weekends to take care of our son. It is a little different in my situation because my son is 3 and in preschool, but I get my nails and hair done. I need to look good to feel good.
Find some other mommies you can trade off babysitting with. Join a moms group, they are wonderful. www.momsclub.com You can meet other moms in your situation, have playdates, moms nights out etc. When my son was younger, it was wonderful.
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