I hate this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
I hate this!
9
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:00pm
Somedays, I really hate being a sahm. I love my kids and my Dh. I don't even mind being flat broke as long as the rent and utilites are paid every month. I don't miss working because I'm not qualified for anything besides food service and childcare. Nothing wrong with either of those professions, but I did food service for almost 10 years, and I have done child care all day every day since Sammy was born 6 yrs ago. Anyways, Dh leaves for work shortly after the kids wake up (6:30 am). Sammy dawdles, argues and whines when its time to get ready for school. Ruby (2 on Mar 5) is in her terrible twos. She does what she wants when she wants. I find myself yelling all day because discipline and punishment doesn't work. She is also clingy and demanding. I can't go to the bathroom for 30 seconds without her having a fit. Nothing occupies her for more than 30 seconds. She is into everything and trashes the house to the point I can't keep up. So when she takes her nap about 11:30, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I sit down to watch tv and usually fall asleep and get no housework done. Sammy comes home about 3;45 and is clingy, tired and hungry. Of course if Sammy is getting attention, Ruby demands it. So the house is still a mess and I'm dealing with 2 whiny kids while trying to make dinner. Sammy usually eats well, Ruby usually refuses dinner and makes the rest of us miserable. If she doesn't want what we're having she screams bloody murder until we're done eating. There's no room for a dining room table here, so the kids eat at the coffee table and dh and I eat on the couch. Of course there is food and dishes everywhere. My dh and I fight about housework constantly. I really don't mind doing most of it myself, but I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that its hard to do anything. Sammy really needs to work on academics, he won't work with her and refuses to keep Ruby out of the way. If we go to the bedroom and shut the door, she's outside of it having a fit. He just yells "Ruby leave them alone" from the couch. After dinner we spend some family time, then the kids have baths and off to bed by 8. So now the house is disgusting, I'm frustrated and dh is tired. He complains if I don't give him enough attention and gets torked if I ask for his help. I hate asking for help but I really need it. The worst part is that if I don't clean or demand that it gets done, nobody does it. I have gone on "strike" many times and things change for a week or two. There could be days and days of dishes, dirty clothes and toys everywhere, garbage piled sky high and nobody cares. I expect this of my kids. My dh on the other hand.. My 6 yr old asks to help quite often, but with things she can't do (cooking, scrubbing bathroom etc.) If we tell her what to clean she starts crying and throwing a fit. When she finally starts working, Ruby comes along and trashes everything. If he would take the kids so I could get something done, it would help alot. He refuses to do this because he doesn't feel like it. Oh, and the fact that I take the kids out everyday while he works doesn't count either. It doesn't bother me that the laundry and dishes are never caught up and crumbs and toys are everywhere. I'm just tired of living with a slob. Its rubbing off on the kids and I'm tired of being the enforcer. "Clean your room. Do your homework. Clean up your spills. Do this Do that" nonstop. I'm tired of saying "I can't play with you because I'm busy maybe Daddy can" and he is reluctant to jump in. He is a good person, but he has become selfish and lazy. So I'm overwhelmed and frustrated to the point of being depressed. I can't stand being so miserable all the time. HELP!

Avatar for decorator22
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:14am
Whoa! I know how you feel! I have SO been there! I'm going to tell you what I do, and it helps so much!! Find someone to take care of the kids for a night, a day, anytime someone can spare. Maybe a relative or friend can help, if your Dh won't or doesn't have time. Then go out either alone or with a friend and be YOU! You are in desperate need for "me" time! I try and make a point to do this before I start to have mental/emotional breakdown. It's what I can look forward to when I have a bad day. When i come back from my time away, I'm so refreshed! I feel like everything is going to be alright and I can handle things again. It has made a world of difference for me. Even if I'm having trouble getting away, I make a Dr's appt totally worth my while. I have a babysitter, so I take an extra half hour and I go to a store and just walk around ALONE! It's so awesome! :)

Anyway, that's my advice. It may sound corny but it's been great for me.

AJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:28am
Can your mom or his mom take the kids once a week? Will the kids sit through a movie? Has your husband always been this lazy? Have you ever thought about going back to school to do something you are more interested in doing? Then you could afford daycare and possibly a housekeeper once a week. Just some suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:55am
Can you think of some examples to tell us of times that your kids are happy? Does Ruby like riding in a shopping cart while you do groceries? Picnic lunches? Find those things that make them happy that DON'T involve manipulating mom and dad and then when you say "no" it won't seem like such a tragedy that you are ALWAYS having to say it. Let people on the board here help take your examples and come up with some activities that they might be able to do that don't involve all your free hands and brain cells. I get SO worn out when my one child is clingy and demanding and so when he can play be himself I can at least take a deep breath even if I don't get anything done. I totally agree with the posters who suggested finding someone to take the kids for short periods of time so that you can concentrate on getting things done. Sounds to me like your husband is becoming increasingly part of the problem - maybe he is fed up with noise and whining and thinks that since it is ALL you have to do all day, you should handle it without his help. Has he ever taken care of them for an entire weekend with you out of the house to see how much work it can be? Can you simplify things to make the housework easier? Eat off paper plates, put up half the toys and rotate new toys in and out so there are less to pick up. (Boy, I would LOVE to do the same with my husband's toys, but then he would do the same with mine!!!) Make a list of chores and have "no TV time" until those chores are done. Good luck!! You are not alone in feeling this way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:53pm
It's not corny. I do those things, just not often enough. I even enjoy walking to the laundry room by myself. Of course, the kids usually tag along. They think they are being so helpful when they put the dirty clothes in the dryer because its all they can reach. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:38am
Another option might be to have someone come over for an hour or two during the week to entertain the kids while you get stuff done. It sounds like you are a little overwhelmed with the housework, and possibly some prioritizing would come in handy. Since you and your husband argue often about the house always being a mess, have him list the top 3 things that frustrate him the most. (i.e. the dishes, the laundry, the toys etc.) Now explain to him that in order for you to do your best to get these three things done during the day, he has to do his fair share of cleaning up after himself and after the kids in the evenings when he is home. It isn't fair that he gets the evenings and weekends off after he punches the clock at work. As a SAHM, your work day never ends and he needs to understand that. If you are ever able to finally convince him of that, you then need to deligate some chores to your husband for in the evenings and weekends, write them and post them on the refridgerator if you need to. A couple things like doing the dishes after you cook the meal or giving the kids their baths would probably be such a load off for you.

I was just like you, many times just so frustrated because I felt like I was the maid instead of mom or even a wife. I became (and still do at times) cranky all the time and nagged my kids to death. My husband finally picked up on my frustration (the tears probably gave it away) and he actually has started helping more around the house, even without asking. I do my best to praise him a lot for his help, because it helps inforce to him how important this is to me.

Another thing you might try is reducing the clutter in your house. Get rid of the toys your kids have abandoned or broke long ago. Also rid yourself of outgrown kids clothing. Put those handy flushable bathroom wipes on the back of the toilet and tell your family to use them often when they make a mess.

Keep your chin up. In a couple of years they won't be so clingy and trust me, you will miss it to some degree.

Mocha

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:52am

yup my 12 yr dd is a mommy's helper, she goes to people's homes and plays witht he kids and keeps them entertained while the mom cleans, or cooks,, maybe you can find one of them. Also another thing that may help is try after your son goes off to school and your dd is still in bed or watching tv. or just sitting in the kitchen with you, try to cook your dinner then. So that later all you have to do is heat it up and some of the mess is already cleaned up.


and I know we hate it when our little one's want to help it seems to make a bigger mess or it's not done the way ''we'' want,, but I have learned to say so what,, let them fold the towles they are not perfect but ya know what they are so proud of themselves, it keeps them occupied for 10 minutes, and we didn't have to do it,, let them do things too. We all have these days sometimes more then other's,, try approaching your dh diffrently,, instead of complaining to him that he doesn't help, try the nice approach and say hon I know you are tired at the end of the day but if you could take the kids or help woth cleaning up it would help me a great deal,,, sickening I know but it sometimes works,, LOL!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:57pm
Its gotten a little better. He'll help more if I don't complain so much. I know how hard it is for kids to help. My walls are usually dirtier than they were before the girls cleaned them. A few weeks ago, my husband had them wash a wall to occupy them. The doofus actually gave them a bucket of water! (I give a damp washcloth) Well, we had water EVERYWHERE. It was ok until Ruby dumped it on her head. Can anyone explain how 2 inches of water in a bucket or tub turns into 6 inches on the floor? I used to prepare meals ahead, then quit doing it for a while. The crock pot was above the cupboards and I couldn't reach even with a stool. So now its back on the counter along with the vaccuum sealer. My counters are sooo tiny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:00pm
well gosh....if he is complaining about stuff not getting done, and wont at least occupy the kids at night while he is home, then how does he expect it to get done...... i have a friend whos dh is the SAME way.walks in the door from work, and whiiiiiiines and complains about how the house looks.......welllllllll...then HELP........ but he wont.and a big part of her day is picking up after EVERYONE.sorry.... here we ALL(cept dh) pick up after ourselves, and if we see something out of place.PICK IT UP...but.... my dh STILL hasnt caught on to that concept, he will walk over a pair of pants for DAYS...... cuz they ARENt his....well ummmmmmmmm the crap in the toilet aint mine either, but i clean it.sorry. lil graphic....but... true.. after 24 years of marriage you would think he would catch on...i have done tests. leave something in the middle of the floor where i know he walks daily, and he will just walk over it....it wasnt his.......so why pick it up....... i bitch and bitch, but it still sits there..... but my theory, if i can get the kids to pick up, then that is 75% of the battle....... with your 2yo... do you have a play pen???????? i had one, and i didnt keep the girls in it ALOT, BUT.... there were toys in there that they never get to play with UNLESS they were in teh play pen..i also lived in a gated community as i call it!... my kids were not allowed in the kitchen , or bathroom, the only room they could get into was the living room and their bedroom.... my GIANT play pen. but it worked, that way they only rooms they were distroying was those 2..... and at least, if i had to go potty, or the utility room, i knew they were in a safe place, where they couldnt hurt much, and they werent going to destroy the house.. kids like boundaries, and it sure helped my kids and my sanity.... i also signed up with a home based business,, not much time to do it , but when i did get to get out and do parties, at least i got out of the house once in a while.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:56pm
My dh is a little different. He doesn't care what the house looks like until I ask for help. Then I hear "Just what did you DO all day?" I think the worst part is that he won't help the girls clean thier room, clean the bathroom or help clean up after dinner. I think those are 50% his responsibility too. But that is just my opinion. It's gotten a little better, we had it out a few nights ago. We used to put Ruby in her exersaucer, which she loved. Then we tried the playpen, it would work for about 10 minutes, now she knows how to get out of it. The kitchen is gated and the bathroom and our bedroom are shut. That helps. She freaks out or gets into everything possible if I leave for a few seconds. ARRRRGH! We used to send the girls to mother in laws or the neighbor once in a while. The neighbor moved out and grandma has too many health probs to take care of the girls by herself. Paying a babysitter is expensive, even teenagers want $6 or more/hr for two kids. OUCH! When I babysat as a teen, $2.50/hr a kid was what "rich" people paid. I'm sure we will figure out something soon.