Any suggestions on dealing with unsupor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Any suggestions on dealing with unsupor.
7
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:08pm
With an unsuportive friend?

My dh & I have decided to ttc #2. We are going to start trying within the next 2 months. I have a very good friend who has been ttc for years now. She was very happy for me when I conceived dd, and has been wonderful. We have very honest talks regulary, and she has admitted to feeling jealous when some people get pregnant so easily, and it is so difficult for her.

I can understand this, and realize how painful it must be for her to see everyone around getting pregnant. I thought she would be happy for dh & I in our descision, even though it is hard on her. When I mentioned that we were going to ttc, she snarled at me,and said "that I already have 1 child, and she doesn't have any", and "why do people like me take it upon ourselves to populate the world."

It was hard to take, and I understand where her anger is coming from, and that it is not really aimed at me, she is just angry. My problem is, now she won't even talk to me. She hasn't returned my calls or emails. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?

TIA

Lesley

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:24pm
If I were you, I would lie low for a while. I would simply send her a nice card that said that you were sorry that your pregnancy is coming between you, but that you are and always will be her friend. Tell her that you will be there if and when she ever wants to talk again. Other than that, I would not push it. You were absoultely right when you said that she is only acting out of pain (and having never experienced infertility myself, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be). She is going to have to deal with her grief in her own way, and when she has, she can lean on you again. Just make sure that YOU don't do anything to add to her grief. To try to get back at her for the way she treated you would be like hitting a wounded dog because it bit you in its pain. I know it's hard - good luck!

Paige (mom to Harper, John, and Gib)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:57pm
Thanks Paige

I would never do anything to hurt her. I certainly wouldn't do anything like flaunt us ttc in front of her. I know that she is really hurt, but at the same time, I think I have a right to be happy. I also thought maybe the best thing to do was to stay low for a while, and hope she comes around, but what if she gets angier and resents me more? It may sound like a really dumb problem, but she is a very good friend, and I would hate to lose her friendship after all these years. I wish she could conceive, and all her problems went away, but I can't make that happen. I feel really guilty because I can have a baby. I see her side, but I see and feel my side as well.

ARRRGGGGHHHH


I have been there for her all the way through, even before i got pregnant with #1. So it wasn't like I already had a baby, neither of us did. It is so frusterating. I love her dearly, and want the best for her. I also want her to be in my life again. I am so mixed up, in agreement, and a little bit hurt! If that makes any sense!!!

Lesley

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:37pm
She's not mad at you as much as she is jealous and angry that she hasn't been able to get pregnant. It is possible that she needs to talk to a counselor about her feelings. Give her some time but send "I'm Thinking of You" notes to let her know that you love her.

It's the same when family or friends tell me they had a little girl. I have 6 boys and it breaks my heart everytime I realize that I may never have that daughter I've dreamed of since I was a little girl myself. I think it's the same thing. Nothing can take the place of our dreams, our hopes, our hearts desire... Give her some time.

Let her greive and if she doesn't come back for a while, know that she is still hurting and just needs some space. A true friendship never ends.

Thinking of you

Stephanie

Stephanie

 &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:36am
Thanks Stephanie

You are an amazing woman to have 6 kids... I don't care what sex they are, you deserve a pat on the back for having 6!!!!! Good job. When I look at stories like yours, I feel like my problems are so small. You must have had a lot of challenges. Congratulations, being a mom is hard. You've done it 6 times over!!!!

Lesley

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:01am
Well I can totally relate to the trying,, My dh and I had our 1st dd and thought this is great we will have more,, well it took us over 4 yrs to have our 2nd child,, it IS very frustrating and hurtful,, HOWEVER I have a few friends that in the mean time tried, and DID have babies. It's their life, they would always ask me if I were angry,, NO!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:00am
Hi!

I can understand what your friend is feeling. My dh and I were ttc for years, then got pregnant and lost the baby at 9 weeks. It was horrible. The week of my miscarriage one of my sisters-in-law gave birth. I couldn't handle going to the hospital to meet the new baby and didn't see her for a few more weeks. I did end up getting pregnant almost a year later and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, but those months in-between were so full of tears and heartache that I can't even stand to remember them (the tests, the hoping beyond hope that THIS will be the month, etc.).

So, I agree that your friend just needs space. If she will never be able to conceive then she needs time to come to terms with her infertility. The tears are probably always on the verge of falling because infertility is on her mind every minute. You (without intent, of course) remind her of her perceived "failure" as a woman. Infertility is really all-consuming.

Just my thoughts,

Melissa
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:10pm
The best thing to do is LEAVE HER ALONE,AND GIVE HER SPACE!Every time she sees you so happy with your child and about to have another,it is like rubbing salt in her wound.As much as you may hate it ,your lives have gone different ways.She needs friends who are going through what she is right now!This is very painful for her!I had a friend who I worked with and her DH and she have been married for years and not able to have a child.When I had our son, I quit my job to stay home with him.One day I went by my old job to show him to my former co-workers,and she just looked at him and never said a word.Just turned away and went back to work while everybody else made over the baby.At first I was hurt,but then I realized that it was to painful for her,so I left her alone.I feel so fullfilled as a mother,and I can only imagine how awful it would be to see mothers everywhere with their babies and know I could never have one.It must make them feel just awful.I know you hate to hear this,but she doesn't need you as a friend anymore.It is too painful for her,and you will do her more good by staying away,if you really care about her!